Feeling guilty over Christmas plans

[Christmasguilt]

I really love Christmas but am just finding it hard to make plans that work for everyone and it’s really making me anxious.

Before having a child, DP & I used to spend it with our own families but obviously don’t want to do that now we have DS.

I think the fairest way is to alternate who we spend Christmas Day with each year but I just feel horrendous guilt that it leaves my parents on their own every other year. The other option is for me to spend it with my parents one year & my brother see them the next, but I know my mum will be disappointed not to see us all together.

Just feel like I’m treading on eggshells trying to keep everyone happy but ultimately know someone is always going to end up disappointed.

Or, every year someone is happy. You can’t please everyone all the time. They are grown ups, they can take it in turns!!

Can you eat out? Book a local hotel which is offering a Christmas lunch and everyone eats together.
We alternate families for Christmas dinner however we see both families on the day and spend Christmas morning for a cuppa and mince pie, with the family that we’re not eating with. My sister does the same but she does Christmas evening and pops in after dinner. It’s chaotic but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Christmas is not just one day, it's a season. There are special parts to be made on lots of days. If your family are within 10 minutes of you it makes it so much easier.

There's Christmas lights, Christmas Eve breakfast, Christmas Eve to read stories, put out mince pies and hang up stockings with GP's, Christmas Day has a morning, lunchtime and evening to mix up family. Boxing Day is just as much fun (if not more) to do the cousins running around causing havoc part. Betwixmas for pantos, or shows or special lunches, NYE, New years day walks and lunch. Your parents are adults, they can survive a day alone and you can make up for it on other days.

It sounds like your mum will only be happy if both you and your brother’s families both go to her house for Christmas Day forever more. She will probably say your/your brother’s in laws don’t mind. Just like she probably said your dad’s parents didn’t mind being completely excluded from all of your Christmases!

I agree with the posters who suggest you start your own tradition of Christmas Day at home with your own family unit (who knows, your relatives with young children might like to do the same but daren’t speak up and might be glad of the it being started by you).

Then either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day (probably Boxing Day will be best), invite extended family to an open house buffet set up, with everyone bringing something to eat/drink to ease the financial burden.

I think it is rather selfish of your Mum to say what she has - it is just one day out of the whole Christmas period after all and she can see you on other days.

It depends how far away. We usually spend Christmas day with my family and boxing day with DH's, used to alternate. We've actually hosted the past few years so not as much rushing about.

I'm not one to think it should only be immediate family, DPs/GPs should be included as well. Plenty of times you can spend a day over Christmas with your own, one day a year with all os important to me.

Sorry if already mentioned and explained but why on earth is it all or nothing ?
No, you might not be able to have all your siblings and their children and your mum etc.
But sure you can share your mum and dad with your siblings? Take hosting them in turns ?

I think you are very lucky that everyone is so local and you can pop in and split time. Try living in England, one set of grandparents in Scotland and one lone grandmother in wales. It gets far far harder than you are thinking is difficult!

Your parents aren’t on their own they are together!!

I’ve only read your posts op.

But id just open house it.

Invite everyone and who comes comes and who doesn’t doesn’t. People can alternate coming to yours and else where grandparents can pick and choice which years.

Offer an invite for the main thing but also if you can’t make it feel free to pop in for a drink and a few chocolates or something.

Since you’re willing to host it makes the most sense.

Could you go to one side in the day for dinner then come home and invite the other side round to your house for a buffet, drinks and games in the evening? You then alternate that every year and then you get to see everyone at some point during the day.

Potentially then see the people who you had the buffer with on Boxing Day (or the day after) for a more casual second go at Christmas dinner?

You aren’t the only ones who find it hard, there is always a family member somewhere making unhelpful comments but the fairest way to do it is to split it.

Please enjoy Christmas your way. I wasted so many when mine was little to host so everyone was included. That meant I was not truely present for most of the day for around 15 years, then a fallout meant I decided to spend Christmas Day with just my children and it was perfect. We also didn't have the traditional food. We opted for salmon & eggs for a late breakfast between opening presents, games, films and friends over for a Chinese, yes some are open, and cocktails in the evening 👌 And we've carried it on for the last few years. Don't feel guilty, enjoy the day, as people have said, our parents had their day for years, now it's yours on your terms x

Honestly once my children have their own families I would be over the moon with every other year! I don’t expect them to see me every Christmas. Your parents have each other, it’s not like they’ll be all alone.

This!!

I honestly can't remember the last time I spent Christmas with either set of parents. We usually do our own thing. It was always a bit difficult to fit it around our work; I used to work in retail so would be working right up til last thing Christmas eve and back in on boxing day and my husband was an undertaker so sometimes had to work Christmas day. Though my husband is happy to drive 2 hours to my Mum's, if we did that one Christmas we would expected to drive the 5 hours to his parents the following year. His birthday is in December so his parents usually come up for that and drop off the Christmas presents then. It varies with my Mum to fit around all her plans. Its her partners granddaughters first Christmas so they are going there, but stopping here to take us out to lunch on the way.

Most people I know alternate. Your parents would be selfish to expect you every year. If you live close by you could always do Christmas day at one boxing day the others, if you not you may just have to plan, i'm sure most parents know that once their child moves out and/or marries they won't have every Christmas together.

Oh FFS am so sick already of ''Christmas Guilt' 'Christmas Plans' 'Christmas Memories' et al threads ad nauseum. It's ONE DAY ffs. Already sick of it and it's only October. Everyone stressing needs to get over themselves and just do whatever suits themselves. Anybody taking the huff can gtf.

Once we had kids we started to host my folks every other year, and my sister hosts them on the intervening years. We’ll usually all meet up together on Boxing Day. It’s worked well. You have your own family now and must prioritise that - once I had kids I wanted them at home on Christmas morning and parents are welcome but I’m not travelling.

We rarely see our adult children and grandchildren at Christmas and yes, I am sad about that. One lives 6 hours away and can rarely get time off over Christmas, so we tend to see her at Christmas only about every 3 years. The other has a child who is a cathedral chorister who has had commitments over Christmas for the last 4 or 5 years, but we only used to see her every other year anyway.

I won't deny that it does upset me, but I fully recognise that they are adults now and they have their own lives to lead. We started going away over Christmas sometimes, or just planning a relaxing and luxurious day just for ourselves. Last year we decided to have a post-Christmas celebration and we invited anyone in the family who was able to come. It was lovely! Much more relaxed, fewer expectations, just a really nice day. Maybe suggest something of the kind to your parents? Either at your house or theirs?

But if they are the kind of grandparents who get really upset if they don't get to see the children opening their presents, how about face-timing them or sending them a video. And make sure the children thank their grandparents when they open them (unless all the presents come from Santa... which I have never understood)

Can't you invite both parents to you?

Do Christmas day with one lot and boxing day with the other and alternate.

If possible I would try and see both. When both sets of parents were alive we would go and see the parents we were spending Christmas dinner with around 2/3pm and stay until 8/9ish. Then the parents we weren’t spending the day with we would get there about 11/12pm. Then Boxing Day we would have dinner with the parents we didn’t have it with Christmas Day. We would get there around 3pm and have a lazy morning indoors. This worked for us but only trialled it until my son was 4. They get up so early on Xmas day that it’s nice to be out by 11. We took there fav Christmas presents with us. We also both work for a company that shut down for 10 days over Xmas so we had plenty of time at home during the Christmas period.

I am an only child so my parents really were on there own every other year, my husbands parents had another son and we would alternate with them. Yes the cousins didn’t see each other but it meant the grandchildren got a special day with their grandparents without it being very hyper and overwhelming. Kids are always more hyper this day. Then we would have another day with the cousins.

you have 4 options as I see it:

1. alternate with your brother. It could be important to set an expectation that you will not have your parents every year.

2. Your parents have each other, so nobody is on their own if you stick to one year whole family with brother & family and you and one year on their own.

3. you book a restaurant for the years you have the in-laws too and everyone comes back for drinks/games.

4. you alternate Xmas and Boxing Day with parents and in-laws so they all get a special day.

but don’t feel guilty about putting your own immediate family first.

As soon as we had kids, we made it clear we were spending Christmas at home. It’s easier for us as my DM is abroad so it was only in laws to worry about and they and we were happy to host at our home.

Don't get in to the alternating, the 1st year you decide you want just you, partner and children that will throw another problem up, how to tell them. The main children's gifts are at their own home, but we drag them away to other houses. Tell your parents and in-laws, if they are near that you will be having Christmas dinner at home on your own, they are welcome to come Christmas night or boxing day or you visit them boxing day. Then stick to it.

The only advice I can give you is to start as you mean to go on.
Families are complicated things. You can’t keep everyone happy all the time.

Your mum probably doesn’t realise how her comments are impacting you. When she next says something, tell her. Hopefully she will realise and stop commenting and start planning something positive for the day.

She will have to get used to it. You have a baby and can’t tie yourself up in knots trying to keep everyone happy.