MIL has forbidden DS to call for his friend when we visit

[Hellotodays]

The in laws (who live close by and we see regularly) have told DH that our 6 year old should not go to call for his school friend (who lives next door to the in laws) when we go to their house this Sunday. His friend is a girl the same age and her sister plays with them too who is 8. Since they started getting on very well at school they have occasionally called on each other when we have been at the in laws. It's only happened twice in about three months as they are not often home when we are there. The parents are really nice and tell me he should come over whenever we are there. Last time they even let him join them for dinner. My in laws are not so welcoming and though the kids go back and forwards between the two houses the in laws seem a bit annoyed when they are at the in laws house, and this time ahead of our visit they told my DH that he shouldn't go there and we should just have time as a family. The problem is that all the other kids at the family gathering, including our youngest are a lot younger and the in laws don't really play with him, it basically means he gets bored of playing alone of me or DH have to keep him busy. I'm quite annoyed that they have said this to DH. I'm probably not going to counter it, but if it gets to a point tomorrow where he is bored and everyone else is just doing their own thing then I will tell him yes if he asks to go and play. But I'm just wondering how others see it? Thanks!

Agreed, it's completely unnecessary.

OP is fine with slagging her mil off behind her back on a public forum, but can't just say "Oh, look at the time, we'll be off now" to her face, which is really all that's needed.

Exactly, long visits tend to be if you live a distance away.

I get them not wanting the kids in & out.

A whole day is a long time & I'd probably say he could see his friend after lunch for example.

Well, no, the MIL has said he's not to bring the neighbour's child over anymore to walk in and out of her house and garden, along with her older sister and it's not OPs place to attempt to circumvent another person's choices in their own home.

The solution is they just visit for a normal length of time, a couple of hours, then leave.

Do you ever invite the neighbour’s child to your house @Hellotodays

What I'd do is:

• take toys/books/pen and paper to the in-laws if they don't have that stuff there.
• Always say you have to be away by a specific time to manage expectations.
• Contact DC's friends' parents and arrange a playdate for after the end of the visit and pick him up later.
• Obviously have the other child back at yours another time.

I’d shorten the visit.
12-4 would be plenty.

The girl is his age and the in laws probably spend most of the time doing adult stuff but expect the kid to sit and listen to stuff he has zero interest in. Little effort on their part.

The visits are long because the mil wants them to be long. This is the part that frustrates me, it gets to a point where everyone is just sitting around and not really interacting, the little ones have had a nap or are just tired out, my son has played everything he can find to play there, at this point me and DH always start to say it's time for us to go, then the mil will jump up and offer our son a piece of cake or something, ten minutes later she is back to doing her own thing. It's like she wants us there just for the sake of being there.

Then you need to put a time limit on it. Tell her you'll be coming round for lunch but have to leave at three because of some other commitment, and stick to it.

Most children don’t have a friend to call on at their grandparents’ house and survive. I think it’s rude if you are forcing an arrangement on them that involves another child coming into their house/ garden - they have the right to say no to that and personally I find it weird to turn a grandparent visit into a play date.

OP has explained what happens when they try and leave:

'The visits are long because the mil wants them to be long. This is the part that frustrates me, it gets to a point where everyone is just sitting around and not really interacting, the little ones have had a nap or are just tired out, my son has played everything he can find to play there, at this point me and DH always start to say it's time for us to go, then the mil will jump up and offer our son a piece of cake or something, ten minutes later she is back to doing her own thing. It's like she wants us there just for the sake of being there.'

And you're slagging off OP on a public forum so why is it OK when you do it?People having problems with family, especially in-laws and venting and asking for advice, is Mumsnet's raison d'être and business model. If everyone got on with their families, Mumsnet would probably shut down for lack of traffic.

I totally agree with changing the visits. While I do think it's rude to go and visit someone else while in the middle of visiting a first person, I also think your MIL is just expecting too much of your and your child's time if it's a whole day every other wknd. I would just stop going. Change the way you interact and spend time together so that it suits you as much as her. She's not the parent any more, having everyone congregate in her home and to her expectations.

Agree with this, you're a guest and yes kids get bored, that's normal.

As others have said, arrange playdates before or after.

Who on earth has 8.30am Sunday morning play dates? Or at 5.30pm on a Sunday? (Assuming it’s half an hour from OP’s to MILs).

Just shorten the amount of time spent there.

Agree, seems OP wants the grandparents to engage with the kids all day.
why he shouldn't go and play with his friend if you're saying it's my job to make sure he is entertained at the grandparents after they have finished interacting with him or prefer to interact with the babies and toddlers?
Your job doesn't mean passing him onto the neighbours.

That's such a long time to spend in someone's house every 2 weeks. I loved mil1 and could spend a lot of time with her and fil1, even went on holiday with them. But they interacted with dcs lots. And were interesting people. Especially mil. Loved mil2 as well but we tended to take her out if spending longer with her. All deceased now but lots of lovely memories.
Non of them would hold us to rigid visits like this.
Have you spoken to dh about this? Or are you ok with the long visits?

I have a feeling dh wouldn't want this.

I've found most people who say things like "it won't kill kids to be bored while visiting the grandparents" are the lazy type who cause the boredom in the first place. I've never heard it from anyone I consider interesting and engaging! There are so many times in a kids life that boredom is inevitable and they can "practise being bored" if you do thinks it's necessary, why would a visit to your loved ones be one of those occasions? It says a lot about those people's relationships.

I think if the neighbour kids are coming into your in-laws house, it's the right thing to do to stop that. But letting him go and play with his friends when there's nothing else to entertain him in the house is absolutely fine.

Your in-laws either need to engage with your child themselves, or let him do something else he enjoys. It's a really horrible character trait if they actually do believe that they have the right to make him sit around bored just for their benefit.

My dgd often called to play out with a lad 2 doors down. My dgs’s often joined them too.
Yes this was probably more when I was minding them but also if their parents were here.
I thought it was great that they were all playing outside. They had a great time in the fresh air, socialising, maybe learning to compromise/communicate without adult intervention and not on screens.

If he's seeing his grandparents regularly, I don't really see the harm in maybe every 2 or 3 visits, he's allowed to go off and play with his little friend next door if she's in.
But honestly, I think it's a bit of a rite of passage for every primary school aged child to learn how to be a bit bored at their grandparents house.

Lols, well you’re not right on my part. I have a great relationship with the nieces and nephews in my family, who regularly request visits to my house. However, they’re also kids who find going to their grandads house a bit dull but politely accept being a bit bored because they’ve been brought up to have manners.

I meant to see his friend at his friends house & not do the in & out.

Sorry that wasn't obvious.

I think its one thing if he goes to her house to play. But I don't think he should have been allowed to bring her to the GPs. You say they stayed in the garden, but we are out of garden season now pretty much, so next step is in the house. My guess would be they don't want someone else's children in their home (which is fair enough) and potentially don't want to become overly friendly with next door. Polite hello's is one thing. But maybe they are not on board with anything more. And next doors child being over is heading down a different route.

Just cut the visits short. That's a very long day for everyone.

Sorry OP, I'm well past the kid stage and wouldn't be impressed with my neighbours kids running about or poking stuff in my house.

I wouldn't stop DS going out to see his friends as he'll have a much better time with them than sitting with boring adults, but I would be telling him that he isn't to bring them into Granny/Grandads house.