MIL has forbidden DS to call for his friend when we visit

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The in laws (who live close by and we see regularly) have told DH that our 6 year old should not go to call for his school friend (who lives next door to the in laws) when we go to their house this Sunday. His friend is a girl the same age and her sister plays with them too who is 8. Since they started getting on very well at school they have occasionally called on each other when we have been at the in laws. It's only happened twice in about three months as they are not often home when we are there. The parents are really nice and tell me he should come over whenever we are there. Last time they even let him join them for dinner. My in laws are not so welcoming and though the kids go back and forwards between the two houses the in laws seem a bit annoyed when they are at the in laws house, and this time ahead of our visit they told my DH that he shouldn't go there and we should just have time as a family. The problem is that all the other kids at the family gathering, including our youngest are a lot younger and the in laws don't really play with him, it basically means he gets bored of playing alone of me or DH have to keep him busy. I'm quite annoyed that they have said this to DH. I'm probably not going to counter it, but if it gets to a point tomorrow where he is bored and everyone else is just doing their own thing then I will tell him yes if he asks to go and play. But I'm just wondering how others see it? Thanks!

How often do you see PIL & how long are the visits?

If for example you’ve had lunch together, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for DS to go & play while the adults chat. Better than playing on a screen.

When I’m a granny I will not want the neighbours kids in and out of my house. I would like for my DIL / DS to arrange their own play dates with my neighbours’ kids in their own house.

That said, I would probably not say anything as I know anything ‘small’ can ruin a MIL / DIL relationship, so would suck-it up and quietly pray the kids fall-out soon 😂

Why on earth would they want some random kid at their house?

Thanks for all the opinions, it's useful to see it from different sides. For context we are there one day every other weekend and the visits are the whole day - about 10.30-5pm or later. As I said he has only been across to this friend twice, starting about three months ago. It only occurs to him to want to see the friend if he hears them playing in their garden. Also those two times when the girl did come to the in laws they did stay in the garden. And both times it was at the end of the day well after having had lunch. He also does play with the little kids, but obviously there is a limit to that and in laws focus is definitely more on the little ones. I also think it is unfair whoever asked "Can I not entertain my own kid?", I'm simply tired from the week, also have a one year old.

Op, can you get the grandparents to come to you on alternate weekends. Or perhaps you could cut your all day visit down to a half day instead of a full day.

I think that your MIL is very unreasonable. If she is only bothering with the younger children, why on earth would she care if he plays with the little girl next door, especially if they only play in the garden and not the house.

Do you enjoy the whole day visits every other weekend?

What struck me was the fact that your son had dinner with the neighbours. Was this in place of something that MIL had made? I would be pretty annoyed if that is the case.

Sorry OP I might have missed this - where you say the kids are between the two houses do your DS' friends ever pop over to your in-laws' to play, or are the playdates always at the friends' house? The only way in which I could see this being unreasonable is if your in-laws are being forced to host play dates at their house. Assuming they aren't then absolutely encourage DS to do to their house if he is feeling ignored.

Sorry, just saw the bit about them coming into your in-laws' garden. I have to say I can understand a bit more of why your ILs don't want this becoming a regular thing, were they asked if the kids could come over? (But even then there is a pressure for them to say yes). I think best thing is for any play dates to not impose on your ILs at all. I love having kids over for playdates and also remember how sad I was when I watched one of my flower borders of seedlings get absolutely trashed through innocent play/running around. They shouldn't have to be responsible for anyone else's kids in my humble opinion.

I think they aren’t being unreasonable to not want his friend in their house, that needs to stop. I don’t see the harm in your DS playing next door though as long as it’s not very time and just for a small amount of time like an hour. If it’s longer and more often that’s more of an issue. I don’t get the bit about you saying you and DH have to entertain him though, surely yes you do as he’s your DC. It’s your responsibility to keep him entertained and play with him.

Sorry OP, but you lost me at your last sentence. We have a 5yo and a 1yo and both work full time. We're both exhausted and we still play with our own kids. That's parenting.

My kids are the only grandkids in both sides and seem to manage fine without younger ones to play with. If your inlaws don't have toys - take some! And organise seperate play dates with his bestie. It's really not that hard.

I guess it's your in-laws right to not have the neighbor's kids in their yard, if that's what their complaint is about. But other than that, I think that's the parents' decision, not the grandparents. I guess I'd say more information is needed here.

If it keeps them off screens and physically playing with each other that's very precious. Could you have a conversation with in laws to understand what exactly the issue is, maybe there is a win win.

Because it's something their grandchild enjoys, maybe? 🤔

If it keeps them off screens and physically playing with each other that's very precious. Could you have a conversation with in laws to understand what exactly the issue is, maybe there is a win win.

When we were kids, one of the highlights of seeing our grandparents was being allowed to call for and play with the little girl (more or less our age) who lived next door. It was a real treat to have a new friend. We loved it and it kept our grandparents connected with their neighbours, which is always useful. Don't understand the mentality of thinking this is bad thing!

That’s a long day my children would get bored unless there were activities for them to do. I’d try to hold it off by entertaining him but in the last couple hours of the visit I’d let him. Your ils can dictate who comes in their garden though.
My in-laws used to get bothered if dc were on their phones/watching tv but we were there 2/3 nights it’s impossible/uncomfortable to stay in visitor mode for several days

I agree.

If I go visit family then my kids don't go play with the neighbours. It's just rude, unless suggested by the hosts.
Particularly if their cousins are there! The age gap can't be that big if your son is only 6, surely you can see the value in him interacting with younger family members?

I can also see why you in laws wouldn't want to see kids coming in and out of their house, including kids they've never invited in the first place. I'm surprised you don't.

OP I can kind of see why the in-laws might find it a bit rude, but I can also see your point that they don't engage with him and it's boring for him. I think it would be pretty rude to accept their hospitality and then do something they've explicitly asked you not to. But I also wouldn't want to make DS sit there bored, because it will ruin his appreciation of these family visits.

Is there any way you can explain the situation to the neighbours and then, when the afternoon is dragging on and DS is bored and wants to go next door, you make your excuses and leave, then call on the neighbours and take the kids to the park (or maybe they will invite you in) and DS can play with the friend for a few hours and you and DH can watch while you chat. (If there's somewhere to grab a coffee nearby, all the better). Alternatively, just go home when DS starts getting bored. It's really not nice to make him stay somewhere where there are loads of people but no one's interacting with him. It's not really like entertaining himself at home.

(however, I also decide when and how long with stay with family. If it's too long a day for them, leave earlier or arrive later. Or go less often.)

We play with our kids plenty, don't assume that you play with your kids more than we do with ours. And of course we take toys for all the kids there. But then what is the reason why he shouldn't go and play with his friend if you're saying it's my job to make sure he is entertained at the grandparents after they have finished interacting with him or prefer to interact with the babies and toddlers?

The PILs sound like self-absorbed mean-spirited people. This isn't some random kid - it's their next door neighbour who happens to be their grandson's friend. Unless there's some massive backstory, why would anyone NOT cultivate that relationship, never mind good relationships with neighbours when there is an actual shared interest? There is absolutely no warmth or humanity in the PILs' attitude, and they will ultimately find it self-defeating.

My godson's grandparents hated their DIL and made a point of being frosty to her, while their grandson was very much subjected to a 'be seen and not heard' attitude. I once went for lunch with them all at their place and it was torture. The DIL is now dead and the grandson, nearly 21, hasn't spoken to them in years.

There are some obvious, logical ways of setting some ground rules in a compromise.

Yes it is your - or your DH's - job to entertain him - because it's rude! Just arrange seperate play dates. Or agree a pattern (so once every couple of months or something) - your MIL wants to spend time with her family together.

I am from an older generation, but I do think that this is quite rude. Your inlaws want to spend time with their grandchildren and I know my parents wouldn't have wanted other people's children in their home.