To think when 2 members if same family go no contact, its almost impossible for other to not take sides

[HowHaveYouFoundThis]

Have you ever experienced this? How did it all pan out?

I'm referring to when it's two people within an immediate family do say a dad and son, son has decided he no longer wants to see the dad, due to his childhood

I can fully understand why people, need to cut contact, but im just interested in the effects on the wider family

Did you find it challenging or afterva while did you get used to it, the new normal ? Did it take long for it to become the new normal

Suppose I just ment because in this situation the Don still wants to see mum, so that obviously also causes tension between the mum and dad
But I see your pov of how far the ripples spread

Probably easier when parents aren't alive

I continued to have the same one to one relationship with each of them, it didn’t really have any impact on me. I was/am extremely close to both of them.

Does the dad not want the mum to see their son?

Thus us what I'm hoping for

It's more that it's just awkward and painful, amd causes tension and upset

I think it can be more complicated when the abuser is another family member and recollections vary.

The impact snowballs. MIL cut off two of her siblings decades ago and so there are no cousin relationships left for her children. BIL and I don’t speak for the past decade, but SIL his wife and I would chat when we met occasionally at family events, and SIL his sister and I were in touch. After MIL and FIL died though his sister has eventually cut me off and there’s no reason for SIL to contact me off her own bat. The problem is that ds is effectively cut off from all of them too. It is a huge decision not to be in touch, it can burn the whole network for generations. I still can’t imagine being in touch with BIL though.

I’ve had no contact with my brother for about 6 or 7 years and can’t imagine ever talking to him again.

Nobody else has to take sides. It’s not their issue so why would they?

I think it depends what you mean by "sides". I'm NC with my parents. My brother is still in contact with them. I don't expect him to take sides, but practically that means I also have a LC relationship with him, because I don't want him repeating things about me to my parents or vice versa.

I dont think it is complicated really, another poster said it better than me that staying neutral in this type of situation is picking sides. And certainly the family member who has been abused in this case (i believe survivors of abuse personally) will see it that way. Its not neutral to them, it's telling them you don't believe their version of events.

I wouldn't ask someone to choose sides if I was in the son's situation, but I also wouldn't remain close to people who didn't believe me. This is classic gaslighting telling people their memories arent the truth, particularly if it's been a pattern over many years (which it sounds like it has).

Abuse within families is sadly extremely common statistically speaking, and people get away with it by gaslighting the victim and those around them. I would be extremely wary of someone using "memories may vary" and stay away from the situation entirely rather than remain neutral.

IME don’t take sides. Your relationships to both are entirely separate and belong to you, not the feuders.

Don’t let other people weaponise your relationships. Keep it light, keep it reasonably cool and don’t pass much news on.

The feuders are secretly desperate for you NOT to take sides.

My dsis went nc with me 3 years when I confronted her about her helping herself to dm money she has turned all family friends against me with whatever lies she has told everyone no one asked me for my side of the story.

dsis best friend in my dh cousin and they are barely in contact now.

I found out dm has recently passed away when I rang the care home nobody has bothered to tell me

Sometimes there is collateral damage and it's not about taking sides. I know of one instance where a person had to step back from both his mother and sister. The mother and sister were enmeshed to the point where you couldn't have one without the other.

Other times, people are stepping away from a dysfunctional family system where the issue is less the individuals than the whole way the family operates.

Two of my DD's don't speak, my youngest is the instigator and won't make up. I can understand her pov, so haven't taken sides. I'm having a direct cremation because of it. They both attended a family occasion and the older DD kept trying to speak to the youngest, no-one else got involved, except to tell the eldest to leave it, so she won't be going to anything again, except another siblings wedding in a few years time. If the people falling out have children, it gets more complicated.

DH & his sister have been NC for over 10 years, other family members are still in contact with both. They aren't the type of family to have parties or family get togethers so no issues there but there definitely has been resentment over the years over things like christmas day.

My family are much older so parents have passed and our younger brother too
They would have been horrified.
My sister has a summer BBQ and I have a Christmas party. Neither of us attend.

I miss the fact I have a sister as she should be my best friend. We never got to that point. She was violent to me as a child and put me in danger many times.
She tells lies about me, always did!
She tried to control all of the remaining family relationships. It hasn't worked so I'm grateful for that.

The straw the broke the camels back was giving my stalker my new address through her DIL. My sister doesn't have the gift of foresight so wouldn't think for one moment it would be passed on. My stalker tried to attack my daughter. It caused a medical emergency.
Absolutely no apology from my sister.