To think when 2 members if same family go no contact, its almost impossible for other to not take sides

[HowHaveYouFoundThis]

Have you ever experienced this? How did it all pan out?

I'm referring to when it's two people within an immediate family do say a dad and son, son has decided he no longer wants to see the dad, due to his childhood

I can fully understand why people, need to cut contact, but im just interested in the effects on the wider family

Easier for who? It's not great having neither parent at your child's birthday party because you don't want to chose one and exclude the other.

I don't speak to my brother, and no-one is made to take sides. My other relatives speak to him (I think - we don't talk about him so I don't really know) and my Mum talks to him. They only have to take sides if one of the people involved demands it. I have never demanded they stop talking to him, talk badly of him etc. They can see him as much or as little as they want, and if I chose not to be somewhere where he is invited, then that is my choice, not their issue.

Sides are often taken because one of the parties demands it.

My brother demanded people choose him or me when I went NC with him. Several years on people either talk to him or me. He considers anyone who doesn’t want to take a side as taking my side and cuts them out.

Whereas DH has two cousins, brothers, who are NC, but they don’t demand it so people don’t feel obliged to. They attend weddings, birthdays and the likes and just stay out of each others way. They did alternate Christmases with their parents before falling out so that hasn’t changed. They even attended the big birthday dinner for their Mum and sat at the same dinner table.

My sister and cousin fell out. I didn't take sides, but it was difficult, my sister felt I should, but I refused to not see my cousin, my children shouldn't suffer either not seeing my cousin's children. My reasoning was both had said something they probably shouldn't have, but nothing irreparable, and if I took sides they'd never feel the need to make the effort and talk again, and I and my kids would miss out seeing the wider family. It was difficult, but glad I stuck to my guns.

I worked hard to stay close with both, listened to a fair amount of bitching/whining from both about the other, though they were reasonably good at accepting I was staying neutral.

Negotiated a truce and immediately wished I hadn’t bothered- they were actually playing for sympathy rather than actually wanting to reconnect.

And both eventually let slip they begrudged me not having taken their side.

So be wary.

My FIL told my husband to choose between me (his wife and mother of his children) and him 🤣 so yes, some people do ask for sides to be taken. Boggling!!

Why do you need to know the details tho?

I never said I don't believe it

Do you think with the wisdom you've gained going through this, if you went back in time, would you listen to them telling their sides or would you do anything differently

Wow the delusions, imagine your fil is quite a controlling person

Two of my sisters fell out just after my DS was born, he is now 25. Zero contact between them. After our Mother died the other siblings, so that’s 3 more sisters including me plus my brother chose to cut off one of those sisters. My other sister was right to cut contact all those years ago with the one we all cut contact with, we just weren’t brave enough when Mother was alive.

At the time I didn’t take sides regarding those two falling out and remained in contact with both. Neither mentioned the other ever. The one we all cut contact with did various things over the ensuing years that dug her own hole.

Two of my brothers haven't spoken for years. I didn't take sides. I still talk to both just as much, I just don't really mention them to each other. Works fine

Yes. Life is so much better without him!! He still pops up in the emails every 6 months as he gets enraged that he can’t control us.

It absolutely does matter. You're being deliberately vague which is very strange, almost like youre wanting to excuse yourself from acknowledging an abusive family member to make your own life easier at family gatherings.

If you believe someone is abusive then why would you want to be around them? And yes it matters how close you are to this person because if you see them every week or live near them or they're your sibling it informs the advice you are given. If you see them once a year and you're not close then just ignore them. Simple.

Its incredibly tough. I can never have all my family together again in one room. If my older children marry, they will probably end up with neither relative as each will say i wont come so you dont have to chose.
It impacts every christmas, birthday, mother day. My parent has been seriously ill and it impacted who visited hospital, even though noone is estranged from that parent

You don't need to know anymore than the son is very unhappy about things that went on in his childhood to the point he feels the need to go no contact, of course the dad is upset
Of course it's causing stress between the dad and his wife as she's still allowed contact

And it's affecting other around as it would
Some people don't know, if they should try and talk them into trying to talk it through, or ignore it and see what happens in time etc, there no easy answer to know what to do

I don't see any abuse or have any suspicions but I don't think people cut a parent off unless it's perhaps years overdue.
I'm not repeating that again

So they had the chance to change ways but choose not to.
Families eh

I think that the people in the centre of it all sometimes perceive sides being taken even if the extended family are trying really hard to avoid that.

Two sisters in my wider family are no/low contact. No one knows why except sister 1 who suddenly stopped speaking to sister 2. Sister 2 is mystified by the whole thing and wants to try to fix it. Sister 1 is having none of it. The parents are very reluctant to get involved as they don't want to alienate either sister but Sister 2 perceives that as taking Sister 1's side as it sort of accepts the status quo which is of Sister 1's making. If the parents did get involved Sister 1 would perceive that as taking Sister 2's side. True neutrality feels impossible.

Family occasions - which sadly in recent years have mostly been funerals - are awful. I want to smack all their heads together.

I would stay neutral, and carry on emotionally supporting both, but I don’t think I’d help them reconcile. I’d leave it to them. I felt played.

My sibling didn’t talk to one of our parents for 25 years then my parent died. My relationship didn’t change with either of them and I didn’t take sides.

I went no contact with my sister and mother after years of abuse, bullying, and golden child/scape goat shenanigans of which my extended family was well aware even when it was happening to me as a child. When I went no contact they gave it the whole ‘not taking sides, not getting involved’ thing, and some of them even criticised me for causing strife in the family by going no contact. I’ve now happily cut the whole mob out of my life. I get that not getting involved and not picking sides can sound appealing, but sometimes not picking a side isn’t a neutral act. The devil doesn’t need an advocate, and if my family are so concerned about family values now then it’s a pity they weren’t so concerned about them when they were all silent about my childhood abuse.

I guess what I’m saying is that ‘not picking sides’ is sometimes cowardice rather than peacemaking.

You don't have to repeat anything. But now I 100% know youre excusing abuse. Its really sad.

If someone came to you and said they'd been s3xually assaulted you'd say it probably didn't happen because you didn't see it? Or didn't have any prior suspicions. That's a truly horrendous way to think about someone else's trauma.

And fwiw if you dont believe the son (and be honest you don't) then he's better off without you so just leave him alone.

Im NC with my brother and had advice for you, which is why I asked questions. But I've realised this isn't just some falling out, you have already taken sides - you wrote "of course the dad is upset" as if we should feel sorry for an abusive person. Just because it's none sexual and you didn't see it doesn't mean it's any less abusive.

Nobody has even asked you to take sides anyway so my advice to you is stop meddling if you arent extremely close to either of them (again who knows because you won't answer any straight questions 🤣). Because if I was that son who was abused and saw this thread I wouldn't want to be in contact with you anyway. Pretty simple.

Yes you've summed that up perfectly
It's so complex

Bingo!!! Thank god someone said it.