To expect teen to be in bed by 11pm

[BlueOinkYello]

Its been half term week and i've had to work whilst my 14yo has been off. I have one younger ds as well. I said to ds from the start that even though its half term I need everyone upstairs in their rooms at 11pm every night because i need to get up at 6.30 and ds is so noisy that i can not sleep if hes up. We've had huge falling outs about this all week. He wants to play ps with his friends til early hours and he wants to eat when hungry (ie. midnight microwave noodles etc). I can't deal with that. Aibu?

How did you magic yourself into his body to find out his hunger levels?

I guess im starting to sound like a bit of a dictator then because i dont allow eating upstairs 🙈Apart from sweets or small snacks

Why? He is 14? He can have a few snacks in his room. He won't die of hunger.

He had his dinner at 9pm?

For the few snacks in his room. Mute point anyway op doesn’t allow food upstairs

We are very very different people

Absolutely fine but you are putting yourself in a bit of a hard place argument wise if he’s not allowed food upstairs but not allowed downstairs to get food.

No way I would buy a 14 yo a fridge for before bedtime snacks. He can pick them up in the kitchen at 10.30 pm.

He will do fine as most people do from 10.30 pm untill 6.30 am. Snacking is more a want than a need. Also for teenagers.

I feel we were making different points but you made me giggle on a Friday so thank you 😂😂

Their brains run on a different time so they can't just go to bed. He needs headphones for the computer and something carb heavy he can eat in the kitchen

Well im not saying he's not hungry. But i think he should learn to eat enough when dinner is served so that he doesnt need to start cooking at midnight. Dinner was meatballs and he chose to have only 4 because he was in a hurry to start gaming. Thats not enough for him.

I also believe eating just before bed is not good for you but thats not the point here really. Its stretching the evening and keeping everyone else up.

That’s all very fair and your house your rules.
I married a man with a mum exactly like you when he was a teenage boy. It’s interesting 😂

I have put YANBU because of course you should not be disturbed when you have work.

However my 14yo DS (y10, so almost 15) absolutely loves staying up late in the holidays and I remember the delicious feeling of being up late when my parents went to bed. His phone goes off and there is no games console available but he watches telly quietly, probably gets himself snacks, and comes quietly upstairs when he feels like it (probably I would say 1.30 at the latest). He shuts the door to the living room obviously and I shut my bedroom door and we put on some brown noise and I don’t hear him at all.

He would probably love it if you allowed it and there was a way to make it work… using headphones for telly or console, no cooking, get his snacks before you head up to bed, he creeps up quietly and shuts doors quietly, etc.
Obviously if you wake up (because of noise he’s made) then that’s it, not again.

They do tend to have naturally later body clocks and it’s also just nice for them to have a bit of space and feel grown up.

One thing I would insist on though is he recognises it’s a privilege and a compromise for you and he’s grateful and respectful. Any sense of entitlement and the deal would be off.

You could negotiate with him. He gets to stay up later if he can learn to be quiet. That would mean food that doesn't make a noise to prepare.

You can mute a microwave ping, Google your model number. Do to together so he engages critical thinking on how to solve it.

We were lucky that they didn't have gaming stuff upstairs in their bedrooms, it was downstairs so Dh and I got the lounge and the children were gaming with their mates in another room.

Mine had headphones with their microphone having some adjustment on it meaning they could hear themselves or something so they didn't shout down the headset.

But yes, the working people who have the jobs that pay the bills are the ones who decide when the house needs to be quiet.

How do you know?

He has headphones, but he is very heavy handed with doors and cupboards and his voice is loud. He doesnt know how to keep it down.
He actually does go straight to bed and falls asleep in minutes when he finally gets there. So who knows..

Right? I found this baffling. Glad I’m not the only one

Think you're missing the point. OP is the one going out to work to earn an income to keep the family homed, warm and fed. Once DS is old enough and contributes equally/gets his own home/leaves home he can make all the noise, as late as he likes.

This is about noise, not bedtime. When he is 20 you'll have the same issue and no authority to tell him to go to his room. He will have to make a choice, stay up later but be very quiet, or go to bed. Just be careful because it can be a double edged sword. What if he is in bed early and you are not allowed boil the kettle because of a rule you created. I think you can work on a compromise and make him understand that he needs to respect your wishes but without dictating his bed time. Also consider ear plugs

I think from what you’re saying that you might be a bit noise sensitive. A microwave pinging on a different floor through two closed doors wouldn’t wake most people up. I think a lot of mums (and it is mums, dads don’t suffer) really struggle to sleep if they know their kids are still up and awake or if they’re not in yet which is really understandable and expected, but it’s not always fair to make it child’s problem to manage. Him opening a cupboard would also be unlikely to keep someone awake if they were sleeping normally - I think you’re on high alert.

Again, your house, you’re the parent, what you say goes so certainly not unreasonable but if you wanted to you could try some earplugs and brown noise in your room and see if that helps?

OP made the decision to have a child who would become a teenager and must make allowances for the fact he's on holiday

Its a big thing to say someone is exactly like someone else, when you dont know them at all.
Was your husbands mum also a single mum? Raising two sons alone? The dynamics of that are very different from a 2 parent family.

11pm is my 14 yr old DD’s tv off, phone off, light off time during the holidays.

I very clearly just explicitly meant about the rules around food, bedtime and noise. But she was indeed a single mum with no help and she had two children but one of them was a girl if that makes a difference