To ask what is wrong with me and how do I NOT do this?!

[Tueooo]

39 and my whole life I have been scared of progressing anything with men who are truly into me and treat me well.

Men who are clear about their feelings, feel safe and warm, I just go off them after a few dates. As a result I’ve ended up with truly awful men, one left me 6 months pregnant, another forced me to have an abortion, another threatened to throw me down the stairs and hit me.

I’ve never found it difficult to meet men and dating doesn’t faze me at all. I’ve met someone quite by chance and he’s great, I can tell he cares about me even after a few dates, there’s no pressure to do anything and he’s always interested in my day etc.

I don’t want to ruin this and hide from it. But as we are a few weeks in I can feel myself looking for issues and coming up with things in my mind that might be too cringy or awkward (yes I am aware how incredibly immature this is). Even down to his car!!! I’m analysing that and thinking it will be awkward because it’s so small so I can’t get in it with him… just crazy stuff like this.

I know it’s likely come from childhood and whatever attachment I have but I just want to stop it. How?!

Honestly I think therapy would be a really good idea. Self sabotage is a real thing and that is what this sounds like if you are so determined to be with men who just treat you horribly. I think understanding that attachment and where it’s come from and how you can learn to properly trust people could be really good for you.

Stop dating until you’ve had therapy and worked really hard at unpicking the psychological scripts that are sabotaging all your potentially good relationships.

Huh? How small is that car?

I just need to know what the car is! I can’t think of many/any one seaters!

Ford fiests it made me cringe and I truly don’t know why

The amateur psychologist in me would suggest there's something in you that believes you don't deserve a good man, or that it would be more painful to lose a good one so you sabotage because of that.

As pp said, you could try staying single until you've worked on yourself a bit.

To be fair, there's nothing attractive about a man driving a Ford Fiesta. I'm with you on that.

Bless you!...im in the same situation iv been abandonned during pregnancy myself and have huge trust issues now, that im really just turned off by men at this point. There is nothing wrong with you, i think some therapy could do some good. I never take my own advice, i could do with some too because im really guarded now. Its not great is it!

Do you fancy him? A lot can be forgiven if you think ‘I actually really like this guy and would like to know him better.’ It seems a little shallow to judge him by his car, but possibly you’re not really feeling it and the car is a symptom.

So you will find fault with every man so maybe stop dating and get therapy

I used to have one and I loves that car so much

I need to know what car you drive.

I want to laugh, fiestas are bigger than you think, but I cant because yiu need help @Tueooo

I dont know what has happened in your life to feel you dont deserve a good partner and to instead choose people who punish you, but only you can stop this negative behaviour.

Please have some counselling or hypnotherapy to help you. And whilst youre waiting for that, look yoyrself in the mirror every morning, say nothing. But in your head say Hi to yotrself and tell yourself that you are worthy and you do deserbe good things. Its not a fix but a start. Good luck x

Do you have children?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you but I do agree that it’s likely down to your childhood and internal beliefs. Definitely try therapy.

I’m absolutely baffled by how you think you wouldn’t fit in a ford fiesta. It’s a 5 seat car. How much space do you need?! 🤷‍♀️

Therapy is your answer.

I also have questions about the ford fiesta, it's a completely normal size car

Don't be ridiculous. Unless you are both like characters out of My 600lb life.

Why do posters think her issue is with the size of the car? She’s cringing at the type (make/ model) of the car surely?

Sorry if I missed something in the OP re. car size?

OP, could you push through the cringe for a few more weeks till you get to known him better?

I thought it was only weird dickhead men who thought their car had any bearing on their attractiveness. There are really women who think like that?!

You are the live embodiment of a red flag @Tueooo

I don't really have advice for the OP apart from "you know what the problem is, just don't do it" because it's quite a strange mindset to me, but I do feel a lot of the normalisation of "ick" talk recently reinforces this mindset - fixating on some utterly innocuous personality trait like an accent or food preference and deciding that you can't get past it, it's revolting and the man who has it is just a figure of fun.

When I read ick threads on MN, half of the posts make me assume there's something wrong with the poster, not the person they're talking about.

I agree with previous posters that it sounds like self sabotage. I think you need therapy to work out why you think you don’t deserve someone who cares about you and treats you right. Yes we can all be attracted to a “bad boy” but they don’t change - most of them are just bad!
There is a lot to be said for kindness, respect and affection, but you also have to throw attraction into the mix too. I think the cause might be deep rooted and may need careful unpicking

Shallow!!

Op I totally understand.

If I fancy a man you can guarantee he will have a drug and or alcohol problem. It’s so sad but I have accepted it and presume that sadly i will be single for ever.

Therapy is suggested but I don’t think we can control who we get the hots for.

The men who I have been attracted to have done me so much damage that in a way I am now frightened of being attracted to someone.

The man i fancied the most did me the most damage and ridiculously I still find him attractive when I see him. Logic and lust can be deeply unconnected for some of us .