To feel like my future looks bleak and lonely

[Moonsandstarss]

I’m a single parent with two DC, one will be off into the world in a few years and his sibling is likely to go into supported living as he has complex needs. My parents are elderly and once they are gone I will be left with no family. I have friends but I don’t see them very often.

My future seems bleak and lonely right now, I do have lots of passions and interests but they don’t take the place of having family around you. The women my age or older in work have siblings, partners, lots of children, children’s partners, grandchildren and just a huge support network.

My relationship with my oldest has been strained too since I separated from ex and I can’t imagine him being the type to be visiting me or phoning etc.

I am independent and can happily go on solo trips etc but humans aren’t meant to be alone all the time. I’m trying to be positive but it’s hard!

You are not alone. There’s a lot of women in this situation who have been single parents, myself included. Parents passed now and DC flown the nest. You say you are independent and have lots of interests. That’s a positive thing so try not to frame your situation as lonely, it won’t help, think of it as just different. When your DC have left you will have some freedom, which not everyone has. You say you’re happy to travel solo, not everyone has the confidence to do that. Maybe you’ll have opportunities that other people with families don’t have. Yes they have support but they may have other struggles that you don’t have. Remember families are not always easy and there are lots of miserable married people ! We all have different lives. You still have time to make new friends or find a partner. Try to make connections now through the things you are interested in so that by the time your DC leave you have other companionship. Personally I was much more lonely when I was stuck in a marriage that wasn’t working.

You cannot compare the situations when you have a husband.

I’m struggling to see what’s ’deeply enviable’ about the OPs life to be honest given she has a child with complex needs and a strained relationship with the other.

What do you think is ‘deeply enviable’ @Eastofexodus

I have no good advice on dating, but can you join a weekly or monthly hobby group with a strong community? Like choir, a book club or a walking group?
Not gym. That's not social.
Sorry to hear your kids can't provide you with community.
I am in London and there are so many women like you.

I am not sure lots of children helps loneliness. I have 2 and they are both very much doing their own thing. The world is very hard for young people these days- jobs, finding love- and thus they are more ' self absorbed' than we were.

I think your future looks very exciting because you have a blank slate with the freedom to do anything you want to! I would be starting to plan now.

I’m 65, married to a man 10 years older than me, childless not by choice, have no surviving parents. One older sibling and a DN. I will likely be a childless widow one day. I could sit around thinking how bleak my future looks too, but I prefer to live in the now and make the most of every minute.

Very few people have this, @Forgedsnak . For this really to be the case you need access to unlimited or at least significant funds and no responsibilities at all and as the mother to a child with complex needs I don’t think either of those apply to the OP.

I don’t think for a moment she’s doomed to a lifetime of misery but making out she has this amazing life isn’t fair; it’s a form of gaslighting really. It isn’t acknowledging that she’s been a single parent for many years, that her earning ability was likely affected by her child’s needs or that he will need care going forward.

You are looking at your life as it is now and imagining that, minus the children and parents, as your future. But the future is not static. Just as people drift away or become less close, others can come in. We just have to either let them in or take steps to seek them out.

If you hibernate yourself then it may look lonely, but you can choose to live a different way.

That’s just nonsense and what a negative outlook @iwant2cats . Gaslighting? FFS. There are loads of local meetips / Groups that cost very little to join. New hobbies you can take up, online dating, day trips ….rambling groups! The future is what you make it.

My friend has been single for a while and her only child moved out a few years ago, she does have friends but she said she misses just the kicking off the shoes at night having a tea and talking about the day sort of companionship that comes when you live with other people, especially if you have a partner. Plus if meeting up there is a cost element

Many single parents over compensate because they are single parents. So I think it’s understandable it’s harder for them than anyone with a partner. The poster that’s writes they have a husband, it is not comparable at all. My youngest has just moved out, I was quite worried but fortunately they only live 30 minutes away and I have DH at home.

I have never lived alone and I do not want to. I had 5 siblings, then moved in to shared housing a bit grim and cheap but really fun then DH and I lived together. I am sure some people do really love living alone, I think it’s fine to admit if you are not one of them.

Slightly stunned by the number of ignorant "I just have a husband" types, have come on here to patronise OP. Ladies, kindly GFY.

I think looking after a child with complex needs on your own is very draining and OP is no doubt exhausted, hence why she feels flat and lonely.

I can, because my husband might drop dead tomorrow! The OP has children (unlike me), so we both have at least one person in our lives.

Exactly! Anyone who has a husband will likely lose them at some point - women usually outlive their husbands. But they are a lot less likely to lose their children.

OP the fact that you are looking ahead now means that you know that to change course you need to take action. Build connections, work on friendships, date if that's what you want. If you do nothing there's a fair chance your world will get smaller. It might not. But having a plan will only help. I wish you well.

@Forgedsnak I don’t think you necessarily have to be negative, but you do have to be realistic. I don’t know if gaslighting was the right word but I’m not sure what else you would call ‘you have a poor relationship with one child and the other has complex needs and will need lifelong care and no partner to support, ooh wow, you’re so lucky, what an enviable life’. I really do find those sorts of posts very odd and can’t understand the thinking behind them at all.

The first problem with the things you describe is that they are things to do. These aren’t connections with people. Connections may come later but they also may not. The second problem is that quite honestly they are very depressing things to do. Meetuo groups tend to be as hoc and so the numbers are never the same week from week. New hobbies are fine if it’s something you’d want to do anyway: if not, it’s rather pointless and it isn’t easy as you might think either. Online dating … erm. Rambling? I honestly am hard pushed to think of anything I’d be less inclined to do than join a rambling group, it’s always felt somewhat like the last bastion of desperation to me, but in fairness some people enjoy it. The point is though that if you’re not doing it when you’re married or in a relationship it isn’t suddenly going to become appealing when you’re single.

For my part, I’m not planning on going into widowhood, whenever that may be, unarmed. I have my lovely children ; I’m absolutely going to retrain and I’m going to volunteer and I’m going to get a lot of enjoyment out of my life as DH has shown life is short and seize the day and all that, but those with husbands and ‘well they COULD die so I am JUST like you OP and so stop moaning’ really, just do one, which is the politest way I think I can put it without being deleted.

Exactly!

This is like those posts that used to say they felt like a single parent when their husband worked away a lot!

A silent house with no one to talk to is very different to one with a husband pottering around somewhere!

I sympathise OP. In the past, I was v lonely and it was really hard

No wise words, I'm afraid, but plenty of empathy

Agree.

Well bully for you. The op is a single parent, im sure she is as delighted for you as I am.

Some days good, some days bad when alone, and living alone like me. I figure there is no set up in life that is going to be perfect, so I make the most of my freedom to do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want - if anyone!

It takes practise to get used to your own company, but it can be done. I think being ok on your own depends on your personality. Extroverts might find it more difficult than introverts, but that's not always the case either.

I found being alone daunting and depressing at first (bereavement), but over time say about 2 years I gradually crawled out of the pit. No one is going to give me any medals for not trying to help myself, tough and all as that is TBH.