To wonder whether women know when their brothers treat their girlfriends badly?

[ThisLimeMoose]

Women with brothers who have treated their girlfriends or ex-girlfriends badly, did you know or suspect what your brother was really like in relationships?

Or did you automatically believe his version of events when the relationship ended, including anything negative he said about his ex?
Just wondering whether sisters tend to recognise these sides of their brothers or whether family loyalty influences how they see things.

My brother is awful and has had dysfunctional relationships. He blames the women. The scales fell from my eyes the last time, he was gaslighting his ex and kept their child after cheating on her. He’s done some of the abusive behaviours to me but to a lesser extent. It was hard to accept but probably when you look at upbringing it’s not altogether surprising. My mum was really tough on me and my sister but lenient on my brothers. My other brother can be a bit of an arsehole at times but he has a lovely wife who brings out the best in him and he has always been a different character to my first brother so his arseholery tends to be more in passing and he can admit when he is wrong. Brother number 1 it’s part of his character that he thinks he’s right and blames everyone else. I do find it fascinating how people can have the same upbringing and turn out completely differently. I have 3 sons and am so keen to avoid them being horrible.

Yeah valid points.
There would certainly be a lot of intricacies to navigate.
Not to mention, it would take up an awful lot of green space too if we all dealt with them the same way 😆
What a pity the law won’t just deal with these assholes with capital punishment. Sad thing is I bet if there was a vote for this, the majority would vote against introducing it.

Yep wasn't a suprise to any of the family, the way he acted wasn't particularly different in a relationship when drunk so when told why they broke up totally believed her and non of the family didn't support her thru it. He did the usual apologies time and again and finally she finished the relationship properly with him but sad because for years me, parents, siblings have been trying to get this brother to change and he never has

Let’s just say my brother has the wife he deserves, and leave it at that

The death penalty for cheating, or for forgetting your birthday, or for putting your dirty dishes on the side and not in the dishwasher? Seems like overkill.

Well yes THAT would be overkill lol.

Don’t recon “he forgot my birthday and went out with the lads instead” would quite meet the threshold for domestic abuse in a court of law though.

…might be thumb screw territory though 🤣

I am not responsible for my brother's behaviour.

The women who choose to enter into a relationship with him, need to take their time to know the kind of person he is before getting too committed to staying with him.

As his sister I have no input or influence whatsoever.

My brother is 65 yrs old.

What is the expectation? Should I be warning the potential partners? Or telling a grown man how he should conduct himself in his personal relationships?

And how would you deal with it? I tried and got thumped, I’ve warned girlfriends to not get involved.

He is a 6ft 3 man built like a tank.

I have no uncles or other male relatives that could deal with it. Police have been involved and he’s been arrested and given a slap on the wrist.

The op isn't couched in terms of domestic abuse though, it's talking about men who treat their girlfriends/partners badly. You can get quite a lot of insensitive, selfish behaviour that counts as treating someone badly before it becomes abuse as defined by law.

We had a similar situation in our extended family. The wife abused the children openly (one was removed from the home). Her husband would never hear a bad word about her and protected her from social services, ed psychs etc. `years later we discovered that she physically assaulted him many times, in front of the children.

Yes, because I was the one on the receiving end of his bullying and aggression as teens living at home.

My other brothers are totally different! Really lovely men with wives and children they adore. All brought up together and treated the same. We didn't have very good parents, they were alcoholics and pretty unpleasant, but he's the only who turned out this way.

He's obviously picked up some damage somewhere, we all did- but we don't take it out on everyone around us.

Yes I know.

Watched it for years and was truly horrible. My mum witnessed it too, we agreed on the subject and then seemingly overnight she did a 180 and one hear a bad word said about him.

I dot believe my brothers version of events around the breakdown of his marriage.
I also think he’s a cocklodger in his new relationship and have distanced myself from him.

The men in my family who are terrible partners are quite clearly awful partners. They meet their girlfriends while doing things that show their character and priorities. The women they meet think they'll be the ones to change them.

And it isn't just a surface thing. Even when you get to know them and get to understand why they are the way they are, it inspires a lot of women to go even more into some sort of saviour mode when they should just realise they are a lost cause until they choose otherwise.

The thing is, even if you did try and intervene and "warn" them, they wouldn't listen anyway! And then a few want you to be mad at your cousin when they've finally had enough. He doesn't cheat on me or not turn up to my birthday!

I can see it only because of how I’ve been treated by men myself and the learning I’ve had to do to heal and protect myself in further relationships. I grew up with it basically taught that men are better women slave at home and are financially abused. Led me to end up with an abusive husband. I’ve not seen anything explicit in my brothers relationship as I cut him off after he was toxic to me. But before I did I just felt it by the way she watched him constantly and that she gave up work and they seem to be following the life he dictates. I’d believe her yes. My mother would not.

Wanted to chime in with an eternally grateful post to the step mum and sister in law of an ex who gave me the real low down on his last 3 relationships and feigned surprise when I said I had heard a completely different version of events. I never looked back. Hugely grateful to these women who must have seen far too much heartbreak to keep keeping his secrets.

No I know and I both went mental at my brother and told her to leave.

It wasn’t violence just persistently being a loser and cheating. Thank god they didn’t have kids and she was able to make a clean break.

This was 10 years ago, and he’s married now, a father, and no longer an absolute dick

My brother has been awful to a previous girlfriend and I always took her side as I believed her.

my husband has done some abusive things to me and also cheated on me. His sister always tells me not to ‘villainise’ him as he’s just misunderstood and that time(s) he was violent it was just a misunderstanding and must have been mutual. I used to go to her at the beginning but she is a huge enabler

Yeah. They're my cousins. I often make the joke that if we were royals, I'd be fucked as I'd be betrothed to them. __

A thousand different versions of refusing to commit but also sticking around with someone who clearly needs them to for their relationship to be healthy.