Stressed mum and don’t want to see this mum

[Nicewsytoday]

I know other people are battling serious problems and I know for most this will be a non-issue but can someone help me with this issue:

really lovely mum I’ve met recently and our girls get a long so well. We have tried to meet beyond the school gates twice (once arranged by me and once by her) but problem is both times she has cancelled last minute. Now she’s trying to arrange a third time!

The issue is I get stressed quite easily so for example this morning my only day off I got the kids out of bed earlier plus woke up earlier myself, rushed breakfast, then rushed getting them out of the door plus driving and worrying I’ll be stuck in traffic so will be late (I have 2 different school drop offs so extra stress compared to the other mum). Snapping at my children to hurry up to then getting a text 10 minute before arranged meet up to cancel.

How can I put it nicely to her I don’t want to plan a third meet up? I only get every other Friday off and I work some weekends so this is 2 Fridays I’ve had to wake up earlier and stress for no reason. I’m thinking I just need to not see anyone for next few weeks as I’m so tired. Our girls can meet up in school and play and there’s no need for us to become friends but on the other hand I am lonely and don’t have many friends.

Do you know why she is cancelling? Is it a genuine 'can't be helped' reason, or is it more of a 'woke up and couldn't be bothered' type thing? The answer to that would influence my decision to keep trying.

Either way though, you need to relax, if she likes you, she likes you, you don't need to be anyone other than who you are.. if you have to get freshly showered and fully made up to feel worthy to be in her company, and be so stressed out that you are snapping at the kids, then maybe this isn't the right friendship for you anyway?

It sounds like the pay off may not be worth the anxiety it is causing you.

Regardless of her cancelling, this sounds like an awful lot of stress for a casual meet up. This is something you do because it’s enjoyable, it’s not meant to be this hard! Arrange meet ups for a later time so you’re not rushing and wear what you would normally wear, you shouldn’t need to make a special effort with your appearance just to meet friends. It feels like you’re putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself.

Can you delay her a bit?

”hi XX, please don’t take this as a brush off as I’d genuinely love to meet up but I’m swamped at the moment! Can we arrange a date for a few weeks time?”

it may give you a chance to rest and recover but also but not cut off an opportunity to grow your social circle.

@Nicewsytoday I wouldn't plan to meet someone who just cancelled on me twice no. I would plan activity with the girls so you can socialise at the same time as the girls are playing. She might be even more "messed up" psychologically than you feel you are (not saying you are) hence the flakiness?

Why did she cancel?

I assumed you were a single mum until you mentioned your husband. Why are you lonely? Why are you concerned about your appearance in front of this other Mum but not in front of your husband?

Another vote for suggesting she join you at something you will do anyway. I’m not keen on people who are flaky around arrangements but have got to know some who turned into good friends after a shaky start. Taking all the pressure away makes it much easier for both of you.

Actually I’d start with no pressure get togethers, and then only move on to make time critical arrangements with people who take the same approach I do.

I think considering she’s cancelled on you twice you need to be a bit firm and pick a time/place that’s convenient for you. Or just suggest you go to the park or something with the kids after school and you can chat then.

Make your own plans. Tell her you'll be going to eg the park after school and she's welcome to join you if she likes

Don't make someone a priority when they don't commit to you

I think try to make plans that don't feel like a big effort, in case she cancels. Eg at your house, or some time when you'd be out anyway.

I have a flaky friend who has improved over the years but still often late / sometimes a change of plan. She is an excellent friend in other ways and great company so I value the friendship and just expect last minute texts!

Agreed.

You haven't got time for this nonsense. She must know she's taking the piss.

Meet at 2, on the way to the school run. You’ll be up and ready, and if she doesn’t come you get an extra hour to drink coffee and read a book. Great!

Have a former colleague who kept saying he was keen to meet up then kept cancelling at the last minute. He did it a few times before I gave up and I haven’t replied since. If people really want to meet you they won’t let you down, especially not multiple times.

I understand this as a part time worker I often do the same on my days off, so it is more of a rush when going straight out from drop off as I’d normally just chuck any clothes on then get properly ready when I get home, or go the gym first for example.

I would say, plan another meet, but have a back up option if she cancels. Go to a cafe anyway, take your book, treat yourself to a nice drink and half an hour’s peace and quiet. And maybe have a look into making some new friends some other ways, like gym or clubs?

This - arrange to meet but later in the day to lose the stress element. It's not fair on your kids to be snapped at because you are meeting someone for coffee, even if she didn't cancel.

What an odd question. I always make an effort for friends. But My husband sees me in my old stained joggers with no makeup and greasy hair and still loves me!

Can you arrange to meet later in the day and then go from that (say coffee) to collect the kids from school. Then that gives you plenty of morning that if she cancels it then doesn’t really impact your day. Give her one more chance and then park it.

I would tell her that you have to work most Fridays and it doesn’t leave much time for meeting up. Say you’ll be in touch when your schedule gets easier.

Can your husband do the school run and drop them to breakfast club on a Friday so your day off starts when you wake up? You could then arrange to meet the other mum for a late morning coffee having had a relaxed time at home first.

What were her reasons for cancelling?
Maybe its third time lucky.
If not, and you’d still like to try see her, maybe try arrange something you’re doing anyway so whether she turns up does not impact your day as much.
Some people are just a bit flaky. My tolerance levels for this vary.

OP sounds like you could do with building up your confidence in general, rather than worrying about meeting this particular woman. Have you ever quietly observed how the confident moms at the school gates do it? I'm naturally quite confident but could find it hard to approach if groups of moms had already formed and were talking at the gates. A new child.from another country joined the school later on and her mom was such a dab hand at this. She would just smile and approach a group and say something like 'what an exciting day the girls have tomorrow with the school tour' 'did anyone else's child have them running around the shops at the last minute.for their project' 'im going to treat myself to a coffee before pick up if anyone wants to join me'. Etc etc She was so lovely and warm and engaging and people responded very well to her.

Just say ill be in touch really busy atm ... fade out.

What would work for you op? Meeting before pick up? You could text - would love to but mornings after drop off seem tricky, meeting at 2 near school before pick up would work well for me as well if that’s an option?

This happened to me. The lady was sooo flaky. I fibbed her off a few times until she got the message. Even though our kids our older her daughter still requests meet-ups but her mother never makes any effort.

What reasons did she give for cancelling?