Stressed mum and don’t want to see this mum

[Nicewsytoday]

I know other people are battling serious problems and I know for most this will be a non-issue but can someone help me with this issue:

really lovely mum I’ve met recently and our girls get a long so well. We have tried to meet beyond the school gates twice (once arranged by me and once by her) but problem is both times she has cancelled last minute. Now she’s trying to arrange a third time!

The issue is I get stressed quite easily so for example this morning my only day off I got the kids out of bed earlier plus woke up earlier myself, rushed breakfast, then rushed getting them out of the door plus driving and worrying I’ll be stuck in traffic so will be late (I have 2 different school drop offs so extra stress compared to the other mum). Snapping at my children to hurry up to then getting a text 10 minute before arranged meet up to cancel.

How can I put it nicely to her I don’t want to plan a third meet up? I only get every other Friday off and I work some weekends so this is 2 Fridays I’ve had to wake up earlier and stress for no reason. I’m thinking I just need to not see anyone for next few weeks as I’m so tired. Our girls can meet up in school and play and there’s no need for us to become friends but on the other hand I am lonely and don’t have many friends.

Just say youre busy cant

I know I shouldn’t wake up earlier and just do things as usual but I literally wake up brush my teeth and then get kids ready drop them off. Come home then get properly ready like shower etc,(sorry I know it’s gross) But as I was meeting her I made sure to shower, put make up on etc. plus the youngest never gets in trouble for being late so occasionally we are getting in just as kids bell rings to line up.

When I work it’s a whole different story as they both go breakfast club and husband takes them on way to his work. I obviously do wake up, shower and look presentable on my working days but my only day off every 2 weeks I like to be a slob

I do think that you are making it into a big deal building it up in your head, so then the cancellation is even more annoying.

No one cares for an after school drop off coffee whether someone is wearing make up or not.

Why don't you next Friday at the school gate just ask the other parents if anyone wants to pop to the cafe for a coffee , and people may well say yes

if this mums behaviour is stressing you more than giving you pleasure, then is she ever going to be a good friend?

I don't agree with posters on here who say don't ever say anything. It's fine to double check with her, once you've made plans that they are going ahead. Say that you only get limited time off and ask is she sure that she can make it. Say you'd like confirmation the night before so you can make other plans. Keep it cheerful, but to the point without apologising.

Hi OP

Why dont you do something at a less frantic time so there's less chance of her cancelling and if she does its not such a big issue? Eg Park after school, a walk and a coffee on a Saturday morning etc

Two cancellations… not a great start but personally I’d give another chance and I’m not lonely and have close group of friends!

You’re making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

However, your Fridays are just as important to you as hers are to her. That should be a non negotiable concept.

I am known to be blunt. My friends know this. But they are still my friends. They tell me that they are. I would not be above texting “if you will be keeping the commitment, so will I. Happily. If you will be cancelling, let’s do so now”.

If the morning is too stressful why not meet up later in the day (maybe the hour before collection?)
Or arrange to meet after school with your children?

that's why I framed it as a question.

If she is also busy or maybe anxious then perhaps that is why she cancelled, can you maybe leave it for now and perhaps arrange to see her with the children during a school holiday ? I appreciate that might not give you time to chat and relax but the kids can be a buffer.

Honestly unclench...its not that deep.
Just invite her to something you are doing anyway

"Hi Flaky friend,

We are going to X park / x softplay on sat at 10.30 and going to the cafe after. If you guys want to join you are welcome"

Dear Potential friend, As you know I only have every other Friday off. I put things off the last 2 as I planned to meet with you so things have built up a little. I need a little while to clear my backlog so can I get in touch with you when I next have a free Friday? Will be a few weeks I think. thx

Arrange to meet her at a time and place that doesn't put you out in any way. No getting up early/getting stressed/rushing around. Arrange it for half an hour later than you were aiming for today at a place you are quite happy to go in any event. E.g. I try to go to the nearby farm shop on my day off so would arrange to meet at the cafe there- if they cancel it is no big deal, I can have a coffee and do my usual shopping.

I’m a bit like you op, if i know i’ve somewhere to be or someone to meet then i can’t relax. It would really annoy me if i’d planned a day off around someone and they cancelled. Well actually i’d probably be secretly pleased but i would resent having planned around it iyswim.

Previous poster nailed it with the reply - sorry, really busy at the moment can we rearrange for next month/year.

Well the Op can’t answer that at this stage

I’m a reformed flaky person. While I can’t speak for all of my kind, here are some suggestions for ways to make this less stressful for you

1. you don’t need to be punctual for social engagements with a flaky person, so you can let go of the stress of being late
2. you can say to a flaky person (or anyone!), mornings are tricky - could you do [time of greater convenience for me]?
3. Arrange to meet at something for an activity - farmer’s market or exhibition or cinema or gym or whatever - so if she doesn’t turn up you’ve still got something enjoyable to do
4. It’s OK not to rearrange when she cancels, or if she tries to rearrange you can say ‘this is a tricky time of year, let’s check in when the dust settles after half / Xmas etc’ and then leave the ball in her court

How far apart do you live from each other. I would give it one more shot. A double fail isn't really unusual in mumworld, and Murphys law is it will always be with the same person. Could you invite her to morning tea or lunch at your house, then if she doesn't turn up you can at least of gitvsone things done at home before the weekend.

Some people are just flaky.

If she asks you if you’re busy next Friday just say you’ve already got plans.

Are you both single parents?
If not and you really like this woman, why not arrange an evening or weekend meet up or meet up with the kids?
Or meet up for a coffee close to the school just before pick up time?

If she flakes again then I’d not bother again.

Clearly the time doesn't work for either of you. Suggest a time when it won't affect your stress or routine if she cancels

Has she said why she cancelled? Is it something that can’t be helped or just because she can’t be bothered?

Why cancelled?

How about saying yes you’d love to meet up sometime, but it’s difficult to make arrangements and then cancel them, so maybe she could let you know when her life is calmer and you could try again?

That lets her know (but in a nice way) that you’re not ok with being flexible/changing plans last minute, so if she’d like to try again that’s great but she really needs to stick to it?

I have a mum friend who did exactly that. Generally cancelled about 30 minutes before the arrangement. I therefore made the arrangement that she could come to my house for a coffee. So if she cancelled it wasn’t any skin off my nose.

Easy to say but just stop worrying about being your best self and being presentable, meeting somewhere mutually convenient etc.

She's cancelled twice so in your shoes I'd probably keep it simple and invite her along to something you're doing anyway instead of making specific plans. Text her and say "we're going to the park after lunch, feel free to pop along" or just invite her over to yours at pick up for a coffee before they go home.