Birthday party attendance due to hockey match

[imsoverytired82]

DD has a birthday party on Saturday invitations. And rsvps given out weeks ago.

earlier this week school spring a voluntary hockey match on the same day.

parents are contacting me saying their child wants to play in the match and they want to come to just the birthday tea

Aibu to tell them not to bother and to uninvite them given that they have volunteered to attend a hockey match when they’d already confirmed for a birthday party?

I can totally see why dd is not happy and you. I hate being dropped when a better offer comes along. It is a rejection. The only thing to try and do is rearrange it. Can the venue take you later? Have you asked? I’d probably swerve bigger parties at this age. Just have a few close friends. How many are still coming?

Id also tell the school. It’s extremely poor to add something in. Do you not get a termly calendar?

You are entitled to feel cross, but for your daughter's sake, let them come to the tea. It's a decent compromise. Your daughter's party is not that important to these girls, obviously, but they are trying to accommodate her, so don't shove it back at them. You don't know how that would pan out for her.

There's a decent compromise and then there's being a complete and total pushover!

Oh yeah we couldn't give a stuff about you as we'll drop you like a hot potato for something else...but we'll be rather hungry after all that sport that we'd rather do instead of see you so we'll grace you with our presence for a bit so we can get fed and watered post match for free. Absolute cheek!

And 13, first "teen" party, no wonder your DD is upset, what a cruel way to find out where you stand with your mates

It's not an important match, it's literally something school have decided to chuck on extremely last minute for funsies.

I'd bollock school too, obviously they aren't in control of what the kids do but might make them think twice before throwing surprise events again and fucking up people's (already paid for) plans.

Bollock the school? They're not allowed to put events on in case a child is having a party?

@BoogieWonder Our school did a termly calendar and there was a sports fixtures calendar. This was a private school and everyone organised parties around the school calendar. And, no, they didn’t add things in at the last minute. They knew parents would have made other arrangements, eg seeing relatives, going out for a meal, visiting friends. It was totally parent time with no school changes impinging on that. If they had done, they would have had a chorus of objections from parents!

Well, that's one interpretation......

What type of party is it and how many CF'ers are attempting to drop it? If only a few then oh well, don't change anything but if it's a lot then I'd consider changing the time if possible.

I absolutely wouldn't allow them to come only for food, how rude.

I would compromise, nothing to be gained taking a hard line. If you dump everyone who lets you down you’re dd will have no friends. They’re all young and want it all!

that must feel awful for your daughter! Is she also on the hockey team? As a sports parent, I can understand it from both aspects - firstly the season is often limited and fixtures finite so you want to play as much as possible. Turning down the match also runs the risk of appearing uncommitted to the sport. One of my kids wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to play sport but would still send a present to the friend who’s party they were missing. The other would choose the party even if it meant falling out of favour with their coach.

As you’ve already paid for their place, I would be so tempted to send something petty like… “that’s a real shame, x has decided they would rather play hockey. Unfortunately, it’s too late for me to amend the booking or add another guest and I confirmed the numbers based on your availability to attend. I will send across my bank details for the cancellation fee to ensure X doesn’t lose out on her birthday celebrations and we are able to make up for it elsewhere”

P.S sending the message is probably bad advice so don’t do it. 😬

What sort of party is it?
can you call the venue to see if there’s any flexibility to change the timing/day?

They are unbelievably rude because they're not just declining for a better offer. They want the best of both worlds and are asking you to accommodate that for them.

@Obeseandashamed You would send a present but your child would choose optional, last minute, hockey match? That’s very poor behaviour and completely putting themselves first! You need to review how self centred that looks!

Oh that's rotten luck and a tough age to feel rejected. But they're not really rejecting DD, it's just a schedule clash (keep telling yourself that...I'd be fuming too)

Is there any possibility of changing the date/time of the party? If these are your DD's particular friends I don't think I'd uninvite them because that will make her more sad. Can you pad out the activity with some extra children (cousins etc.) and then have a bigger group for tea?

i can't see anything the school did wrong here. They set up a fun activity for the kids - they wouldn't know (or care?) about a birthday party. This is very much on the other parents - my kids wouldn't have the option of opting out of a commitment.

But honestly if they don't want to come to your daughter's party, maybe that's okay. How many kids are we talking? Is she upset? Will the venue work with you at all? Hard to give specific suggestions without knowing what sort of party it is.

parents are contacting me saying their child wants to play in the match and they want to come to just the birthday tea

Why are the parents getting involved? At 12/13, don't they manage their own social lives?

These girls are behaving badly, and parents are enabling it by acting as intermediaries.

@AlexandraCarrington No. Parents get involved if there’s a question to be asked and they are providing transport. And a present.

Last minute, very little notice, sprung upon at the 11th hour events. Not scheduled matches, not events planned out in advance that parents are given notice for to put on their calendars.

It's had a very negative knock on effect for OPs daughter and while it's not their fault the DD has such shitty fairweather friends, they should be made aware that this has been a result of their last minute twatting about.

It's going to be telling the parents either the kids come to the party or they don't bother.

I'd feel humiliated if a bunch of friends sacked me off for something unnecessary only to pop up for the food. Plus the match might overrun, OP could be getting lots of "whoops, sorry we can't come at all" texts in the middle of the party. I bet if it was their own daughters they wouldn't be happy with a "whoops"!

OR OP tries to reschedule, she can say to the parents look you've already rsvpd, I've paid in advance, DD is upset, but she can't force them to come.

Well, yeah it is......🙄

Social suicide for the daughter for her mum to tell everyone off and ban them from the food. She might never recover from that. Of course it's upsetting but in the real world people do back out of things and if you throw a hissy fit you are quite likely to lose them as friends for ever. These are not primary kids - this is yhe birthdays girl's social circle and I wouldn't mess with it. "That'll teach them" while her daughter is ostracised is hardly a win.

What BS. A commitment to attend a party is a commitment. Sorry can’t play hockey, child is attending a party.

These parents are enabling their kids to be spoilt, self centred monsters.

Watch and take note OP. Those that enable this behaviour from their kids will get their commupance when those kids grow up and decide they’d rather do many things other than caring for their elderly parents.

I’d be tempted to do a withering pass-ag chat-gpt generated message that clearly you have differences in parenting values as you are teaching your daughter that friendships need to be nurtured and a commitment to attend someone’s special day is a commitment, even if something more exciting comes up.

Not sure I agree with this. I put a lot of effort into hosting and if people drop out for crummy reasons like this or don’t show up etc I find it such a total lack of basic manners and grace I cut them off (not if someone’s genuinely ill or whatever) as I am not flaky and can’t be arsed with people who are.

Means I have cultivated for myself and my kids social circles of people who are reliable and thoughtful.

If another parent in my circle enabled their kid to drop out of my child’s party with a few days’ notice when it had been booked and paid for because something more fun came up, I’d feel we were teaching our children very different values and wouldn’t wish to cultivate a relationship with that family, so if being direct meant my kid wasn’t friends with that child any more I’d feel that was not too bad, and they could focus on friendships with people with the same values.

Can you fill the spaces you've already paid for? Maybe with friends from other schools/primary? If I could, and if the tea was part of the thing you'd paid for, that's what I would do and uninvite the people who can't come the whole time.

I'd also be contacting the venue though, on the off-chance it could be moved a bit - I'm in Ireland, and places are inclined to be a bit more friendly here though, so I'd stand a chance of managing that.

A very tricky one given the ages of the DC. It is very rude of people to drop out at the last minute. I'm guessing it's an activity party that cannot just be moved back an hour. How many are invited and how many are dropping out? Is it all "close friends" or is it "close friends and hangers on". If it's close friends only and 8 invited and 4 dropping out it's worse than 8 invited, the 6 close are attending and the other 2 hangers on are not. It also depends on the dynamics of the group. Is there a queen bee so to speak who is doing the hockey and the others are following?

However, teenagers by nature are socially clumsy. It could be that they are trying to do both, do the hockey which finishes before DC's party ends so we can do hockey and go to DC's party. In which case parents should be saying choose 1 or you have already committed to X's party.

Although the official communication is that the hockey event is for funsies, it could be that that coach/ school are very much pushing it on the girls playing for the teams verbally, "it would be good for you to go/ it gives you more exposure/ great if we could have several teams playing ect". It makes it tricky for the girls as not going could be portrayed as "not showing commitment" and the coach may be giving that message verbally to the girls.

I would also be tempted to speak to the venue as @FlatCatYellowMat suggested.

Depending on capacity and bookings they may be able to shift your party a little later. Our local softplay party bookings are dire at the moment (if their aggressive advertising and begging posts on sm are to be believed) and so they would be able to move you back. Same possibly at our local trampoline place.

Tell your DD shit happens, sign her up for the hockey match with her mates and plan a party for afterwards

A quick "Oops! We didn't know that was happening" and move on, don't help her ser herself up for those feelings of rejection

You have lost the booking money either way, unless the venue can be flexible