To not want to be woken for sex?

[Niceplaceforanap]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I’ve been with my husband for over 15 years and we have two young kids, 6 and 3. I’d say our sex life really comes and goes depending on stress, life and just general desire. We’ve had patches where we’ve not had sex for a few months, which always makes me quite worried. We have been better at making more an effort recently (still only like once or twice a month), but it’s hard when you’re just knackered from kids and work and the mental load etc etc.

my issue is I still feel like when we have sex is really down to him, and increasingly his “when” is in the middle of the night. This happened on Sunday night when he woke me up making moves at 1am when he knew I was fast asleep and had to get up at 6am for school run, a really stressful workday, bla bla. If I try and resist he will persist for a bit but gets the message and will leave me alone if I ask, but sometimes I do relent as I feel like I should try even though I’m exhausted as it’s bad if I’m always saying no, especially as it’s me saying we need to make more effort to have more intimate time, just wish he would try it on at a normal time when I’m actually fully conscious! He falls straight to sleep after and then I’m left awake going through my mental to do list.

i’m aware our sex life could be better, and I’m probably quite vanilla, but surely this isn’t great either? Honestly, sometimes a vibrator is so much easier!!

he is generally a very good guy and very much a feminist. But still, I’m not mad keen on these middle of the night sexy wakeups.

There is no time at any point in my life I want to be woken up for sex. If I'm asleep, I'm not in the mood for sex. I don't get enough sleep as it is, and I'd be furious to be woken for this! It's so selfish and all about a man putting his desires ahead of yours!

I would tell him one time, absolutely clearly, never to wake you again. I'd expect him to follow it.

How lovely to still be wanted after 15 years.

I've give anything to be woken for sex by my partner.

It's not lovely to be woken in the middle of the night for sex or any reason.

@CarbootJunction What a thoughtless comment. That's you, not everybody is the same. The OP is exhausted and isn't happy about it.

Well, then you're free to let your partner know it's something you'd enjoy.

I would hate it and consider it highly selfish unless I'd clearly said it's something I wanted. It's clear the op hasn't.

Why wouldn’t she be wanted? People don’t dry up and turn into a pumpkin. Wanting a sleeping person isn’t OK. Wanting an awake person is lovely.

Throes of passion, not throws.

I absolutely agree
my partner just wouldn’t do this!!!!!!!!
he sounds awful!

This, the first sentence above nails it.

I actually find the men who go on about being feminists are the worst for this type of thing.
Last guy I dated last year kept doing this in the middle of the night and in the morning when i was fast asleep, plus the er "accidental" "oops, wrong hole" nonsense and I dumped him and decided i really cant be bothered trying to date anymore. I'm 56 and completely done having to teach men things that have been discussed openly during sex education classes at school for decades and is also all over Facebook about basic non rapey boundaries, like if she is asleep dont try to have sex with her! Its doing the rounds again now, I'll try to find the pic and post it if I can

So no, you are definitely not being unreasonable, especially when you have discussed this multiple times.

See number 3 on the photo

He's waking her to ask, so very much avoiding number 3. It's possibly 7 that's an issue, although even that isn't clear. It is his wife who has expressed some interest in sex with him in the past and he's asking, though may not accept "no" as quickly as he should, OP is unclear.

A counsellor to help you talk may be all you need, but you could also consider a sex therapist. The idea will probably make you cringe if you're both avoidant about talking about sex! But a good one will have come across it all before and have a ton of ideas, exercises and tools to choose from to help you both get comfortable with finding a happy compromise.

What sort of a mind reader do you need to be to understand that waking someone who is sleeping peacefully so that some need of yours can be met is not a good idea?

The woman has told him repeatedly not to do it.

It doesn't even require mind reading.

FFS.

He should accept No straight away, every time!

He is not waking her up to ask, he is waking her up making moves and keeps going until she eventually relents or she has to repeatedly say no until he eventually gives up!

Boys have been educated school about this for a very very long time now and it isnt up to their female partners to reinforce to them more than once that a sleeping person can not give consent.

My young adult daughters are absolutely dumbfounded and really angry about the fact that men are still being given excuses surrounding basic things like this by saying women need to be clearer, no, men need to listen and respect boundaries straight away.

That isn't what OP describes. She says he presses up against her and she resists, he persists a bit but then stops. That could be he persists hoping he'll wear her down, or he persists until he's sure she's awake and making her preference clear.

The later isn't the least bit rapey or even necessarily entitled, and it's fine for OP to not like it and tell him she doesn't and expect him to not do it again. But he's not a mindreader.

Thanks for missing the bits in my post where I say;

“Yes, he absolutely should know, without being told, not to wake up a busy mother in the middle of the night for sex, when they have an early start in the morning”

and “Yes he is being a selfish arse”

The mind reader bit refers to op’s statement that when she is woken for sex at 1 am she sometimes resists but sometimes relents.

So although it’s absolutely wrong of her dh to try it on when she’s asleep; this guy is currently getting mixed signals which is why I have advised speaking to him in very clear terms.

My DH would get fucking nowhere with this! I don’t imagine the sex is particularly thrilling either when you’ve both just been asleep.

If you go to bed at the same time there’s much more opportunity to initiate!

its as simple as nothing will change till they have a conversation about it
and yes he will carry on because OP hasn’t said anything about it so he thinks there’s nothing wrong