To not want to be woken for sex?

[Niceplaceforanap]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I’ve been with my husband for over 15 years and we have two young kids, 6 and 3. I’d say our sex life really comes and goes depending on stress, life and just general desire. We’ve had patches where we’ve not had sex for a few months, which always makes me quite worried. We have been better at making more an effort recently (still only like once or twice a month), but it’s hard when you’re just knackered from kids and work and the mental load etc etc.

my issue is I still feel like when we have sex is really down to him, and increasingly his “when” is in the middle of the night. This happened on Sunday night when he woke me up making moves at 1am when he knew I was fast asleep and had to get up at 6am for school run, a really stressful workday, bla bla. If I try and resist he will persist for a bit but gets the message and will leave me alone if I ask, but sometimes I do relent as I feel like I should try even though I’m exhausted as it’s bad if I’m always saying no, especially as it’s me saying we need to make more effort to have more intimate time, just wish he would try it on at a normal time when I’m actually fully conscious! He falls straight to sleep after and then I’m left awake going through my mental to do list.

i’m aware our sex life could be better, and I’m probably quite vanilla, but surely this isn’t great either? Honestly, sometimes a vibrator is so much easier!!

he is generally a very good guy and very much a feminist. But still, I’m not mad keen on these middle of the night sexy wakeups.

My guess is that there are no date nights or weekends away because the OP would be the one making all the arrangements including the childcare, and it would turn into one massive pain in the arse for her and a very nice time for him.

He wouldn't bother working to rekindle the spark because the chances are good he will get his way at 1 in the morning, and since getting his rocks off is the only part of sex he's interested in, he has no motivation to make any effort to create a relationship in which his wife would be an enthusiastic participant.

Depressing picture, isn't it, @mathanxiety.

Yes, sorry, I meant sleep-raping her. It's possible that is what he's doing, though OP seems to be saying he doesn't persist when she objects.

My EX used to do this, I absolutely hated it. I repeatedly told him I disliked it, he repeatedly continued doing it. The last couple of years of the relationship, having sex with him made me feel physically sick, like my body wasn’t my own as he didn’t care whether I wanted to or not, just wanted to get his dick wet. One of the best things about having left him over 5 years ago now, is NEVER being woken in the night for sex that I don’t want!

Interestingly my EX went to boarding school from a young age, and I sometimes wonder if that experience has anything to do with this odd habit of his.

I would absolutely lose my shit if someone woke me up for sex. That is abusive. You need your rest.

I couldn’t be with a man who thought it would be acceptable to do that. It sounds like you love him so I would be making it crystal clear (at a calm moment, not in the moment) that if he wakes you again in the hopes of sex, the relationship is over.

So the fact he falls asleep straight after indicates he’s using you as a sleep aid. Haven’t you already told him not to do this?

One more reason that I'm not married and NEVER EVER WILL BE AGAIN.

The world of people is divided into two categories: those who don't mind being woken up, and those for whom being woken up for anything that is not the house burning down is a reason for murder.

I'm on the second category, and my partners know about this from day one.

The ones on the first category often have no understanding of how absolutely SHIT it feels to be woken up for the ones on the second category. They really don't know. They need telling in no uncertain terms.

Just tell him that he's not to wake you up. Why is this a problem?

Not really trying to get too personal, but does he wake up around that time with an errection? Asking because I had a former boyfriend who did and told me, “I don’t want to waste it!” Yeah, no. That’s a renewable resource, buddy, and this is not the time.

You know your not unreasonable. Tell him this must stop. Now

You also want to improve your sex life so discuss this too. Can you put a time aside when you can make time? If you want more sex why are you waiting for him to make a move. Doesn't matter how vanilla it is he will love you reaching out first.

You need to communicate, in waking hours.

I’m on the fence with this, have you ever actually clearly said you don’t want to be woken up? If you only have sex twice a month and the two times he makes a move you’re responsive does he know you don’t ‘really’ want it?

Do you ever actually make the move? I realised when my kids were similar ages I NEVER initiated sex, when I fell into bed I went fast asleep. There was never a good time. I didn’t want it when I went to bed- too tired. In the night- too tired. In the morning- lie in. Weekend- pfft!

My husband strokes my shoulder, kisses my neck, has a cheeky boob stroke to test the water in the night, as I do with him. Neither of us ‘sleep raping’ or ‘abusing’ each other. Just initiating consensual sex within a very happy marriage. We don’t need to resist, If either of us aren’t feeling it we go back to sleep. We are both clear tho and communicate. How else do you do it without sending each other a text and a time slot.

Your children are so young, you’re both in the absolute trenches trying to keep up with life and keep a marriage together. Our sex life was far far from rampant when our children were so young. We were both frustrated with each other at times trying to align our sex drives and exhaustion. We did acknowledge after abit our sex life was shit but we understood it was life factors not wife factors. We are finding our feet again now our children are tweens/teens- just need to be very quiet so we don’t get caught 🤣

I would be absolutely furious. And then extra furious because the level of anger would not allow me to get back to sleep. How someone could think this appealing to an exhausted mother of young children I do not know. Perhaps someone who’s only in it for himself and couldn’t give a shit about his partners feelings or personal space. Tell him to stop this immediately.

I’m quite a sexual person and still arguably in the honeymoon phase with my partner of one year. And I would lose my RAG if he woke me up for sex, I would legitimately be enraged. Multiple times I would break up with him. Sleep is so important to me, I’m one of those people who cannot function on low sleep. I also have a 2 year old so sleep is at a very high premium for me. No, fuck that.

I would tear my DH a new one if he woke me for sex in the night. Selfish, horrible behaviour.

Its really inconsiderate of him - have you told this great feminist husband how thoughtless it is or that you don't want him to do it?

Feminist 😂😂

Trying to wake up a woman to perform sexual duties and persisting until he gets the message that it's not on the cards, is not a fucking feminist.

Performing out of guilt or a sense of duty and obligation, will build resentment.

This man is not a feminist.

You're not being unreasonable to not like it. you are being unreasonable not to tell him and to build up resentment.

Does he even know that afterwards you're left wide awake when he rolls over and falls back to sleep?

When you talk to him about the need to work on intimacy, talk about when is a good time for you - and maybe start taking the lead a bit more and initiate at a time that works for you.

It's not ok at all. If you have told him not to do it then he should be respectful of that very reasonable boundary.

What stood out to me, though, is that you stated he's a "feminist" which seems quite unbelievable based on the subject of the thread. It also feels like you may be trying to convince yourself that he's a better man than he is.

Have you ever had a proper conversation about this?

YANBU OP! He should understand that you're tired and need your sleep. And waking you up by 'making moves' is just gross tbh and crosses your personal boundaries. I had something similar when I had a young baby, he kept trying things in my sleep and i would wake up and he would be inside of me. I was furious because I was so exhausted! I felt violated and never looked at him in the same way. You need to tell him that it's absolutely not OK! How incredibly selfish of him.

If you're not making time for him any other time of the day, but you do in the middle of the night, what message are you reinforcing?

I can get past the waking up thing.

It has pissed me off for DECADES that some men will take sex then fall into bliss sleep, leaving a woman lying there wondering what just happened.
But it actually bothers me even more that women stand for it. A man who shags and rolls is a man who's not been told, it could've been going on for years that way, through several relationships.

He might be a nice considerate kind thoughtful understanding etc etc man, but if that is enough in its own to make a woman accept "receptacle sex" then I despair. Get the sex right. It's pleasure for both or it's not happening.

Seriously, men need telling, women need to value themselves properly and steer this.
Cmon OP, how many times have you lain there afterwards wondering wtf just happened, and then reverted to gratitude because he's a feminist? I think this one's on you, sorry.