Never stayed away from home - too soon for a 2-night camp?

[DandelionDoodle]

My son’s Beaver leader is organising a two-night camp around 2 hours away and I’m really struggling with the idea of him going.

He’s nearly 8 and has never stayed away from home without me or his dad present, not even at his grandparents’ house. As he’s always had sleep issues. Until fairly recently although we still have a consistent routine that we stick to every night.

The camp is around two hours away, in woodland, and the thought of him being that far from home is honestly making me feel sick with worry.

I do have quite a lot of anxiety and I’m fully aware some people would probably call me a helicopter parent. However, my DS is also on the waiting list for autism and ADHD assessments. In some ways he’s very young for his age and still needs quite a bit of support and prompting with everyday things, although physically he’s one of the tallest children in his class and one of the oldest. He occasionally still wets the bed and needs prompting to get dressed and ready in the mornings, he’s very much in his own world and doesn’t always follow instructions clearly. He puts inedible things in his mouth sometimes too.

Part of me thinks it would be a great experience and good for his independence, but another part of me thinks a two-night camp, so far from home, is a huge first step for a child who has never spent a night away without us.

Would you let your nearly 8-year-old go in these circumstances? Has anyone else’s
ND child done something similar?

Get your DBS done and go as a volunteer, but absolutely let your son act as though you weren't there and sort himself out, he may bloom!

Unless the OP wants to regularly volunteer then I wouldn't suggest she does this. I doubt the group would want someone only willing to volunteer on a camp with the sole purpose of supervising her own child and reducing her own anxieties.
If you did want to fully sign up as a volunteer and attend the weekly meetings then I am sure they would be happy to do the DBS for her. However once her son moves up to cubs there is the issue of whether she would still want to volunteer at beavers which based on this post I bet she wouldn't do this would waste everyone's time.

He says he wants to go. I know we should have done sleepovers at grandparents but we’ve mentioned it and no one has been very forthcoming and never really offered.

I don’t know if he’ll struggle when there or change his mind the closer it comes around.

I have a ND child who is now 15. She finds it nearly impossible to stay away on these kind of things (she has done DofE, and a 1 night and a 2 night residential with primary school). It's not just the being away from me, it's the social demands of being around others and the social pressure even when she's asleep. It would be great if he could give it a try, but maybe a Premier Inn nearby would help you both feel more comfortable.

I've done this in my section without issue. If it means a Beaver can't come without a prent we absolutely support the parent to come. We do always hope that they'd come along and help sometimes, but many don't sadly.

My DH has done a scouting DBS incase we ever need him at short notice, we never have.

It really isn't a big deal. Checking the docs takes a few minutes, and I believe the cost is so minimal as to be irelevant.

That’s really unusual, in my experience. I’ve never heard of Beavers who don’t do at least a one night camp. Our squirrels (once they turn 5) do sleepovers at the hut and a one night camp, I’d be really disappointed if they didn’t get a real camp until cubs!

You know that not everyone has someone they can practice sleepovers with? Beavers sleepover will be fine, and the volunteers will be used to nervous kids .

He may, or may not struggle but it’s very good for children to learn to stay over at camps. I have experienced this from both sides.
As a teacher I have been involved with many overnight camps, mostly from year 4 up and for 4 nights at a time. The children who had experienced nights away before and had had the chance to build up from single nights when they were younger coped best.
As a parent I spent the week when my eldest went to cub camp worried that he might be upset… He loved it!
At two hours from home, send him if he wants to go. You can always collect him if he doesn’t cope.

My only hesitation would be the 2hrs away bit. Its a long eay if something does go wrong.

I would have a full and frank discussion with the Leaders before making a decision.
Bed wetting is not an issue if known about in advance. Send spare PJ's and an extra sleeping bag and leaders will check.
It may be that just going for one night may be the answer, but be prepared for him to change his mind and want to stay longer. Most decent leaders will be willing to be flexible over these things.
If your DS is keen to go, I would really try to make it possible for him to participate as much as possible.

That’s very young I agree OP

Don't get concerned about the "should" have done sleepovers with grandparents comments. It's incredibly presumptuous to assume other people all have lovely handy grandparents or aunts/uncles who are both willing and capable of caring for grandchildren overnight! As I said my dd's first overnight was brownie camp and she was fine.

Talk to the Leaders. They will have seen similar before. They may suggest he stays one night and plan that you collect him late in the evening (after dinner/campfire so around bedtime for the others) on day 2 so he only misses the final morning. Or that he only comes on the first morning rather than the night before - both options to have a single night on this trip to reduce the possibility of problems. They’ll also be able to keep a closer eye in case of anything developing if they know. And if you send him, keep your phone on and have a way to get to the campsite. It may even be something that you bring him on morning 1 for that full long day, it collection again after dinner so he does activities but no sleepover on his first trip and builds up to sleeping on trips.

And as a previous poster says - if you plan a shorter trip, don’t be surprised if he loves it and wants to stay on longer. I have had parents coming to collect kids unexpectedly; coming to collect as planned and going away empty handed; having a phone call and that being enough to reassure kids that parent would be there early in the morning and then parent arrives and is sent home again by kid….all sorts.

Good leaders have seen a lot and managed a lot before - and even if this one is new, they’ll try to find ways to make it work for your kid - as we mostly want the kids to start young but to stay for life and get a love for the movement and the activities. So having positive experiences and manageable challenges is far better than trying to push a kid beyond what THeY are capable of, even if that’s what “every 7 year old does”….as every kid is different. (I keep saying kid, I should say Beaver).

If your DS wants to go then I would put plans in place to enable him to go. You aren't going to know if he is going to be able to do it unless you try at some point. Ask the leaders how they would deal with your DS and what they suggest.

I have a completely different DS but anxious and nervous in his own way. Hates being away from us although tolerates going to grandparents as he knows we have to work in the holidays. Gets extremely upset when one parents travels for work or activities. Doesn't like new situations. We sent him on two camps so far - one for beavers (he was 7) and one cubs (he was 8.5). I was on standby just in case but I never heard a thing from them. He was fine when he was there and they reassured me if he really did struggle they would call. He had a wobble at drop off but the leaders are well revered in how to deal with children of all different abilities in being away from parents.

I didn’t stay away from home till I was older and really really struggled with homesickness. Get him
used to it asap.

I wouldn’t send him unless I was going with him. I have an 11 year old with PDA and autism and he won’t be going on the residential school trip. Realistically it’s not fair on the other staff, kids or the child himself. Some children with same diagnosis may be absolutely fine obviously but you know your own child.

DD did a similar thing with Brownies at age 7/8. I'll admit I was nervous but she was fine. But she is NT and it was only around a 10 minute drive away! I would be worried about him being 2 hours away, given your description of him, and would even consider staying in a hotel or Airbnb nearby the camp if possible (or, as few others have mentioned, talking to the leader about the option of going as a volunteer)

the anxiety seems to be more on your side than his

Do a sleepover as soon as poss in a familiar place like grandparents.

and work out what you need to do, privately, so that you don't project your anxiety onto him.

the one thing that will need some specific prep is bedwetting. Have a look at some inconspicuous ways of protecting his PJs and sleeping bag

Is this the first camp he has been offered? Ours do 1 night camps at first with some being at the scout hut to get them ready. At the most recent camp they could choose to do one or two nights. For context my DS (9) has just received his ASD diagnosis and camping has never phased him at all and although tiring he loves the 2 night camps.

We normally say that Beavers should do 1 night, and can only do a 2 night camp if they have already done a 1 nighter with us! 2 hours is quite a long way to go for Beavers - we normally do max of 1 hour travel time.

We are happy for parents to get DBS checked and complete thier safeguarding training so that they can attend the camp as a parent helper.

You could stay nearby if that would give you piece of mind so you can get there quickly - however I would not tell your child this as they will then deffo want you knowing you are on standby.

Make sure they have gone to grandparents or a friends house first - where they have more 1-1 adult supervision and is somewhere they are familiar with. Will help you see how they may cope at camp.

How long has your son been going to Beavers? What are the leaders like - in general and with him? Are they inclusive and understanding of his needs?

My DS has autism and he did his first Beavers camp when was 7y6m. He had only just joined, so he didn't know the adults very well yet, although his (school) friends were going and a parent he knew quite well. He wanted to go, which surprised me. It was too late for me to get a DBS check and go with him. I had a chat with the group leader and we discussed it, which was very helpful, and we agreed that he'd go for just one of the two nights. I'm not a particularly anxious parent but I was anxious about this and I slept very badly that night! DS told me afterwards that he was homesick/upset/scared at bedtime but he survived and enjoyed the camp overall. Since then he's done many more camps and been absolutely fine. In fact I've had a DBS and gone too (as his younger sibling joined Squirrels and they can't camp overnight without a parent) and he hasn't wanted me at all It was lovely to see him being happily independent with his friends.

Anyway. My advice is to have a chat with the Beavers leader, see if it reassures you to hear how they can support him, and consider just one night rather than two for his first one. If you can agree a sensible plan, and you trust they understand his needs, be brave and go for it.

PS my son had stayed overnight with family before, but I don't think it's a disaster if your son hasn't had that opportunity - honestly camp is a very different vibe anyway and potentially more fun for them with friends and the novelty of camping.

If he really wants to go and is enthusiastic about it I’d let him go. Could he go for only one night? I’ve a son with asd and I’d love him to want to do things like that so you are very lucky. I’m laughing at people saying that children should be practising doing overnights. That only works if you have people who want to take your children overnight. My parents absolutely were not those people.

OP already said he's on the waiting lists for autism and ADHD assessments.

Bed wetting is unusual but still normal aged 7, my autistic son wet the bed at night up to that age and older (hasn't done it for a while now touch wood).

What exactly do you expect the OP to "sort" and how?!