Had operation and adult kids never wished me luck or checked how I was afterwards

[dogsaremybusiness]

Disappointed

Look there’ll be more to this
and you know that better than anyone on this thread

I'm sorry. OP. That is hurtful. But I can see how it happens. Life is a struggle in your twenties - trying to establish yourself in the worlds of work, love, trying to get financially stable, find a home, not lose touch with friends as everyone from school and uni move on and away. It's easy to be self-obsessed.

What matters is how they respond when you jog them and tell them how the surgery went.

I was selfish at that age but became very caring of my parents and did a lot for them as I grew up.

I wouldn't necessarily think to say good luck to someone having an operation. Is that a thing? I was 13 the last time I had an operation and it wasn't planned.

Day surgery for a cataract, cosmetic surgery, YABU if you don't already have a "chat on the phone every few days" relationship.

Deep sclerotomy day surgery for glaucoma, anything that was overnight or a GA or was going to risk your sight, YANBU

I wouldn't dream of wishing someone luck before a surgery, seems like a really weird thing to do.

Them not checking up on you afterwards though is definitely not on. Did they know it was happening?

I mean, if it was a laser on a cataract or something like that under a local anaesthetic, that really isn't something I'd expect other people to be checking in about. My mum didn't even tell me when she was having hers done.

If you were having an eye removed and you were in hospital for a week, that's obviously very different.

I had cataract surgery - it's still scary even if it's considered minor day surgery! There is no shame in seeking comfort from others and people saying they were thinking of me helped.

You do still deserve care but with caveats of having set that expectation in others and doing that yourself, expressing what you find helpful and valuable, being appreciative - as well as acknowledging that others have big life stuff going on too.

Are there friends as well as family around as support?

I'm going to be devil's advocate here because part of the process of moving away from parents is putting your own family life first. When she was going in to hospital my mother used to treat it like she was going on a major expedition up Kilimanjaro. She would sit by the phone and ring, Ring RING everyone in the family to make sure they knew. That was so she could have a constant parade of visitors. She went into hospital the week I took my doctoral viva so guess which took priority.

The back story is that I was not the golden child. I was the black sheep so I continued to behave as such.

You reap what you sow.

I'd be upset if my day surgery went unacknowledged by my grown up children. It is not a nice feeling knowing you have slipped off your children's radar when they have been your world. Treat yourself kindly and don't be afraid to bring it up with them. Hopefully they will be more mindful in the future.

Just trying to think back to when I had my cataract surgery. Don't think my DS wished me well on the day but tbh I didn't give it a 2nd thought. DH was with me before and after so I was being cared for. As my op was at 8am on a Sunday I doubt DS was even up!

But some will never have been the centre of their parents worlds

This. I’ve had cataract surgery too, both eyes at once under a mild sedative. It was uncomfortable and even if it was minor surgery I was enormously relieved to get it over with. And very glad to have DH looking after me.

How awful.

Well on the face of it it seems unreasonable of them but depends on many things.

What sort of eye surgery? Are you someone that needs lots of attention and reassurance or do you usually not mention anything about healthcare and this was a one off you were particularly concerned about? Are they aware of all the details around it, did it involve general anaesthetic? Do you have a partner who was there with you looking after you? Did they know that? Are they busy with very young children, careers with back to back meetings. Was the operation a couple of hours ago, a couple of days, or a couple of weeks ago? Are they usually uncaring or is this out of character, was there a misunderstanding of when it was and what it was. Are you very demanding? Are they exhausted at being at your bec and call. Are they lazy selfish shits? Have you had a falling out? Do you usually speak daily/weekly? Are you feeling unusually low?

I mean, how can any of us possibly comment on this without a million more details.

I do hope you are ok and it wasn't too horrible.

Im sure ive read this before.

Another mumsnetter whinging about her adult DC not showing sufficient interest in her but at the same time providing very little clue as to the relationship itself

You sound lovely.

It was cataract surgery, quite unpleasant. I don't think a quick "hope it went well" text is too much to wish for. But apparently that makes me a whinger! 😂

Again- we have zero idea of what you were like as a mother and how your adult DC view you and their relationship with you

It doesn’t make you a whinger, but I’m not sure many young adults who don’t live with their parents would really consider this.

That’s tough OP. I would be upset too . Hope you are doing Ok 💐

I hope you have recovered well and that you has some support around you..That does sound odd and i can see why you felt disappointed.
Were you shocked ,was it unusual behaviour for your adult children?

My whole family had cataracts done young and I don't remember any of us calling up to make sure anyone was ok. It's a 15 minute painless outpatient procedure that thousands of people a day have done. None of us even needed to take a paracetamol. People also choose to have lens replacement surgery when they don't have cataracts, to correct poor eyesight.

It is a little bit uncaring but are they used to you wanting a lot of attention for minor things and they are tired of it? I do remember my mother making a big fuss when I next spoke to her, after her first eye, but that's what she was like. Cystitis was bladder cancer, her blood pressure was going to kill her (at 57. She's 95 now) and on and on.

The drops for a month are a pain, but keep on top of them. A tip for keeping chloramphenicol cold if you go out is to put it in a bag or box with frozen peas or crushed ice.

Is it them calling you a whinger?

Do they live near ?

how did you get back

when my dad had same surgery I drove him there and back

but yes if normal family one would message to see how you are

That’s fine, but just because you felt that way, that doesn’t mean everyone does, and it doesn’t mean that would be the default assumption for someone’s loved ones.

If the OP was scared and/or wanted to talk about it or whatever (which is totally fine) then she needed to tell her kids how she felt about the procedure, because lots of people who have that operation aren’t bothered at all, and therefore it wasn’t unreasonable of her kids to assume it wasn’t a huge deal. They’re not mind-readers. There’s nothing wrong with the OP feeling like she wanted a fuss made of her, if it was something she found difficult or scary - but unless she made that clear to the kids there’s also nothing wrong with them assuming it to be a minor procedure under a local anaesthetic and behaving accordingly.