AIBU to think staying at home with children is undervalued?

[Amby99]

I’m not ignorant of the fact that staying at home isn’t financially possible or desirable for everyone, and I don’t think children who go to nursery are disadvantaged whatsoever . There are brilliant nurseries, brilliant working mums, and plenty of happy, healthy children being raised that way (and fulfilled and happy mothers)
However, I do wonder whether society (or the government) has become so focused on measuring “productivity” through paid employment that we’ve started to undervalue the work involved in raising a child.
Badenoch saying that the government doesn’t want to “punish working parents” in relation to childcare costs … it made me wonder why being a SAHM is so rarely viewed as valuable or productive in its own right.
Preparing my baby’s first solids, BF him, reading, playing, taking him outside, talking to him, letting him explore and generally being available. It feels like important work, yet because it isn’t paid it often seems invisible.
There are of course many advantages to nursery, and that work can be important for a mother’s identity, finances, career and mental health.
But why does the conversation seem to focus so heavily on encouraging parents back into paid employment, while choosing to provide that childcare yourself is rarely encouraged or valued in the same way? I’m not talking about mothers that sit at home all day feeding their child McDonald’s and claiming every benefit under the sun. I get why they may be encouraged back into the workforce and their children would be better off at nursery. BUT I’m sick of having to feel guilty of my choice to stay home. Every parent I know who was a parent in the 90’s stayed at home and it wasn’t so frowned upon.

I just think it should be seen as a worthwhile and valuable choice rather than something that needs to be justified because you’re “not working”.

Ah, you again.

Yes, actually - there is. A good one. Suffice it to say, we're both very happy overall with our family set-up, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

It's the "harder". Everyone on this forum seems to work "really hard" as if every other employee is a lazy one.

Seem to spend a lot of time on here though!

What do you mean "you again"? You've been far more active on this thread than I have. Ridiculous.

If you're really both so happy, he wouldn't be wishing for more time to pursue his passions would he?

Youre saying that to the most prolific poster on the thread, who apparently does have a job now. The irony.

You keep addressing me with pointless, irrelevant questions. That's what I mean.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Obviously we are all bound by circumstance, and the cards life deals us - yes, he'd like to be able to stop work in a magical world where bills paid themselves, but given we live in the real world, he's happy to be able to take on the bulk of financially providing for his family.

Yes, there seems to be a fetishisation of working oneself to the bone 🤣

I agree. It was a great shame, and we did try to encourage her. Unfortunately, she had lost her confidence and she felt that she had been out of the workplace for too long. She did do a little bit of paid work here and there, but she had lost her belief in herself I suppose.

I agree that there were women back in the day who made it work. My paternal grandmother was born at the end of the nineteenth century. She had a proper career of her own, and worked while raising her four children. My grandfather was very supportive of this. So my dad would absolutely have been supportive of my mum if she had maintained her career, but she had very much absorbed the social expectation at the time that good mothers should want to stay at home with their children. And she wanted to be a good mother so she did what she felt was in our best interests. It is ironic that I actually think it would have been much better for us if she had done what made her happy. I am immensely grateful for the sacrifices that she made, but I wish she hadn't made them.

I wasn't the one that brought up the "irrelevant" topic. You did.

So they were happiest doing what they wanted to do. Not necessary being a sahm? That’s a bit different to what you said originally.

Why did that narrative haunt me when I was a new mother, unsure, hormonal and sad to leave her baby? Surely that’s obvious. I actually remember crying at a mumsnet thread at the time about her nurseries where basically akin to sending your baby to an orphanage.

Much more level headed now 13 years on of course, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to hear/ read when you are a new mum in the thick of it.

And no it doesn’t have to be paid employment BUT for many paid employment is a way to do something for themselves. To use and have their skills recognised, to gain financial independence, to gain recognition, to gain general independence, to finance the things they want to do. For many there is satisfaction and pride in work. It’s also an insurance policy should things go wrong. It’s not just being a “wage salve”.

None of my friends who work could sustain their current lifestyle if their husbands left, massive adjustments would need to be made. Far more than for me actually, as we stayed in our first home rather than massively over extending ourselves to get a bigger house with rooms we don’t need.

I prefer to focus on giving my children my time, energy and focus. I am relaxed, not time pressured, and enjoy giving them time to listen about their day. I’m very anti-rush.

and again, it is almost always women who are described as wage slaves, materialistic etc whereas men are simply providing for their families.

The language choice is usually very different.

No, I said I think research showed that women who chose to be SAHMs rarely regretted it - which makes sense if they chose freely to be SAHMs, and wanted to be. Not so much if they didn't.

Ah, so you went back to work very quickly, then, I suppose. Good for you, if that's what you wanted.

No, it doesn't have to be paid employment. Sure, it will be for some people, but for many, paid employment is mostly just a way to pay the bills, and hopefully fund their actual passions, and the things that fulfil them.

That genuinely is very sad. I'm sorry your mum struggled with those feelings, and didn't feel like she'd done everything she wanted to do in life. Women should always feel able to do what they want (I mean, obviously as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!)

Anyone who is on a contracted, paid job is far less free than SAHPs. I have complete autonomy over every aspect of my day and week. Today for example, I will have a leisurely chat with my lovely children then other mums on the school run, swim and read for as long as I like, prepare a delicious dinner in the slow cooker, prepare for a governor meeting, plan delicious meals for the week ahead, care for our pet, spend time outdoors at the park with my children after school before supporting them with their homework. I love how much exercise and outdoor time I now have instead of being stuck indoors staring at a screen. As I say, it’s a beautiful, free way of life.

That was a lot of protesting that you didn't accuse posters of being classist, to then just come out and say that yes, you think our opinions are classist. What a waste of time.

Hmm, I don’t know about very quickly (also weird judgement in that line… why?), I had a year and a bit off for both and was then part time for a while. Luckily I’ve managed to build a career with an employer who has showed great flexibility which has meant I’ve been able to be around a lot.

yes, but working to fund passions is something too isn’t it? I know when you are sitting with a baby and your entire biology is programmed to make you want to spend 24/7 with them anything else seems completely immaterial- but down the line being able to live the life you want to live (and you want for your family) is important too. That is certainly one of the reasons I am so pleased I managed to build a career.

personally, being entirely reliant on a man’s wage was never for me either. Imagine if something happened to him so he couldn’t work or he ran off. For me there is a huge sense of peace in knowing that I can provide for my entire family on my own should anything happen.

Disclaimer, as I know talking positively about being a working mum on threads like this is frowned upon, this isn’t to put down anyone else’s choices - it’s just to explain why choosing to work isn’t some weird contract with the devil to abandon your kids and commit yourself to a lifetime of wage slavery.

Do you not feel a bit bad for him, that you've monopolised the role and he hasn't had a chance to be a SAHP as well?

But if your husband left you or, god forbid, was incapacitated, what then? Unless you have serious wealth (which most people don’t, so back to your classist comment) you would have no money for coffees with mates, or for that lovely piece of beef for the slow cooker. Or even the house that holds the slow cooker. Let’s not make out that living the life on someone else’s wage is ultimate freedom.

I'm not sure how any of that information is relevant to the comment you responded to?

What a dreadful shame.

And all this joy only comes at the expense of your husband feeling like a wage slave. How sad. Why not be a little less selfish and both work part time so he gets to enjoy this free way of life too? It's so sad that men are expected to just work themselves to an early grave while their wives wafy about doing jot a lot because their children are at school. Every couple I've ever seen on this set up has simmering resentment by the time the kids are teenagers and the wife still refuses to work. Unless the man is very wealthy and enjoys working with no desire to work less, which apparently isn't the case here.

Sorry I don’t really understand your point about the house. I work and we don’t live in a house with any extra bedrooms? If DH and I split, we would still have 2 incomes for the kids.

Yes it’s absolutely a given then you will feel less daily pressure than working parents. But the issue i’m highlighting is that if your partner was suddenly out of a job, you may feel more pressure than 2 working parents. And also your children may feel more pressure as they progress into adulthood with less financial support. I doubt your kids when they are 20 remember much about you being a SAHM, but they may appreciate more financial support to get them started in life.

And this is any of your business because? How happy is your man right now?

😂

I honestly don't know why you spent a whole day arguing black was white.

My children love me being a SAHM thanks very much! Again, my family’s arrangements are any of your business because…