AIBU to think staying at home with children is undervalued?

[Amby99]

I’m not ignorant of the fact that staying at home isn’t financially possible or desirable for everyone, and I don’t think children who go to nursery are disadvantaged whatsoever . There are brilliant nurseries, brilliant working mums, and plenty of happy, healthy children being raised that way (and fulfilled and happy mothers)
However, I do wonder whether society (or the government) has become so focused on measuring “productivity” through paid employment that we’ve started to undervalue the work involved in raising a child.
Badenoch saying that the government doesn’t want to “punish working parents” in relation to childcare costs … it made me wonder why being a SAHM is so rarely viewed as valuable or productive in its own right.
Preparing my baby’s first solids, BF him, reading, playing, taking him outside, talking to him, letting him explore and generally being available. It feels like important work, yet because it isn’t paid it often seems invisible.
There are of course many advantages to nursery, and that work can be important for a mother’s identity, finances, career and mental health.
But why does the conversation seem to focus so heavily on encouraging parents back into paid employment, while choosing to provide that childcare yourself is rarely encouraged or valued in the same way? I’m not talking about mothers that sit at home all day feeding their child McDonald’s and claiming every benefit under the sun. I get why they may be encouraged back into the workforce and their children would be better off at nursery. BUT I’m sick of having to feel guilty of my choice to stay home. Every parent I know who was a parent in the 90’s stayed at home and it wasn’t so frowned upon.

I just think it should be seen as a worthwhile and valuable choice rather than something that needs to be justified because you’re “not working”.

I’m not sure that there was a term. It was a time and place when a lot of people were doing the same and so that question wasn’t asked.

Let’s give you a massive round of applause.

i suffer with inflammatory arthritis and fibromyalgia. Some days I can’t even bare the thought of moving, let alone going to work or spending a day running around after my toddler.

everyone’s circumstances are completely different. Everyone’s coping mechanisms are different.

I have absolutely no help, my mother passed away, my Father still works full time and my grandparents can barely look after themselves these days. My DP works full time and obviously helps when he can but majority of the time it falls into me because I’m the default parent. As women often are.

Well it's. Inferred when she says "my baby was the most important thing ever, I couldn't stop smiling when I handed my notice in" and all the rest ..that those of us who could not or would not be doing the same were somehow not making the "beautiful obvious choice" she did. Regardless of circumstances. Whether her post was meant well or not she certainly sounds ignorant!

I can say exactly what I like about my own experiences and choices. I’ve had to put up with plenty of people rudely and unsolicited telling me that they could never stay at home as if it’s the worst thing in the world. I can equally say what I like. I was absolutely delighted to resign, and knew that’s what I always wanted to do from a young age. I made that clear to my DH from the off that’s what I’d be doing. Why wouldn’t I want to continue such a beautiful experience I was enjoying so much with my son? He is my son, after all. I am his mother, I do not have to justify wanting or enjoying spending as much time as possible with him or my daughter to anyone. I have a strong sense of my own identity and certainly don’t need a job to justify my existence, I have inherent value as a human being, as does everybody. I had to put up with people worrying, asking how I felt about resigning, they expected me to feel conflicted or upset. People kept asking if I missed my old job? No, but I would have missed my children if I had have returned, and resented every minute of it.

Ask yourself- why does it bother me that a mother delights in and celebrates spending more time with her own children, and prioritising that?

You can say what you like about your circumstances. In doing so you can also make yourself sound ignorant of other people's circumstances. You have irritated me because you have been neglectful of considering people's circumstances, and apparently don't seem to be aware of your tone, " I don't need a job to justify my existence" no but some of us need jobs to survive, thrive etc...
I think you came here to stand up for op but you haven't. Op was kind and respectful to all walks of life, you are a bit of a kn*b who clearly hasn't been outside in a while!

No, I know too many people who could afford to reduce their work hours, but make it very clear they prefer having more money and who don’t want to spend more time with their children.

I couldn’t care less if I’ve irritated you, plenty of people have irritated me with their rudeness over the years. Concern yourself with your own business.

‘It’s very strange this aesthetic vision that people have of what the average SAHM mother is as if they are off a 70s all-American poster or TV sitcom where ..’
You reply to my post as if you think my thoughts are based on something I saw on TV.
If you look at my username you’ll see I’ve plenty of experience of my own circumstances and other women’s, due to my age. I don’t watch tv that much and certainly don’t get my ideas from there, but from life.

My PoV is that , if you have more time available, you can spend more time on your kids, including cooking.

I think a woman doing only a few hours of paid work is in a fairly similar position; then it’s a sliding scale to the mother of 2 or more kids, working FT, earning not a lot and without any back up from husband or family.

No, someone in that situation does not have time to cook from scratch or spend much time helping her children in various ways.

I was really making quite a basic point and don’t think your post, interesting though it may be, really has much to do with it.

I think several people have already agreed that people’s circumstances are infinitely variable.

I’m unsure of the wisdom of basing one’s behaviour on statistics. Individuals and statistics do not behave in the same way.

You really don't sound like you love it. You sound angry, full of resentment, and didn’t manage to grasp my point, perhaps because of that.

I don't think being a SAHP is a sacrifice at all. I wouldn’t have had it any other way – it was an amazing time.

She is allowed to say how she feels about her situation. This is meant to be a discussion. She wasn’t attacking anyone nor putting the down.

@ThankYouNigel

Ask yourself- why does it bother me that a mother delights in and celebrates spending more time with her own children, and prioritising that

But again, women who work also delight in spending time with their own children. They just don’t have the luxury of doing it full time.

Your privilege in not having work is not an indicator of someone else’s failure or their shortcomings as a parent.

My god pass the sick bucket. The self righteousness is ridiculous.

Pray tell, how are you seriously claiming that saying "I don't need a job to define my existence" is not putting working mothers down? Having an identity outside of mom-bot is healthy.

Wow, you’re rude! So it’s OK for working mothers to constantly and openly declare that ‘I could never stay at home’, which I am sick of hearing over the years, but not offer an alternative opinion? Working as a wage slave is vastly constricting and overrated in my opinion. I answer to nobody. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it!

Yeah, I resent my child and spending time with her. Obviously 🙄

Please do explain your point about the classist assumptions of mothers with careers then as you claim you weren't being remotely offensive. Because it just sounded like someone with a chip on their shoulder resenting the fact that something that is enough for them isn't enough for others.

What are you on about? It's not that I can't take your silly opinions at all, it's that I think they're bullshit. I just want you to own your judgement instead of hiding behind the coy "I don't say anything mean about working mothers" act with all the twee emojis. I don't agree with a single word you've said on this thread, your opinions are wildly uninformed. That doesn't bother me at all. What's bothering several of us is that you can't own it.

I hope nothing changes so that you find yourself a single mother who has no choice but to work full time to support your child.

A wage slave is a new one to me 🤣

Out of interest, how does your OH feel about being your household's wage slave? Does he find it constrictive and overrated as well?

In your opinion she wasn't, can you not read between the lines?

Ah come now everyone knows a SAHM has to find herself a wage slave to support the whole thing. But that's what men are born for ryou know! Fathers aren't irreplaceable like mothers are! 😂

I don’t think being able to put food on the table is “overrated”.

Why are men who provide for their children seen as “providers” but women are “wage slaves?”. Almost all people couldn’t survive on this earth without receiving a wage from somewhere. Surely the husband of the SAHM has to receive a wage in order for a SAHM to be a SAHM.

What do you think of mothers who choose to work so they can afford to give their children things like house deposits, driving lessons, money for travel or experiencing the world when they are older? What about women who would like to be able to make their own income so if their husband leaves them or has an accident or illness, that they can avoid destitution and still provide for their child, themselves or the family unit? Are these things worthy of being a “wage slave” for? You make it sound like an undignified pursuit.

Women (hopefully) receive fair remuneration in exchange for their labour in the workplace so it’s not equivalent to literal slavery. Unless one is lucky enough to inherit millions, most of us and/or our partners (even wealthy ones) have to work for a wage.

I can't with the wage slave comment 🤭🤣

I'm just curious to know if her OH feels the same as she does?!

@ThankYouNigel it's such a shame you have been so detrimental to this post. I'm not going to lie I've not read it's entirety but I've read more than 3/4.
You clearly have no concept of your privilege.
You've been virtue signalling a LOT but mainly giving gripes about shit that you feel is the attitude towards sahm in general.
If you read through all my posts you can see I am for being as stay at home as one can be. But your attitude to those who can't/won't is horrid. You need to grow the fuck up and talk to some people outside your house.

Sexism!

When a man earns money to support his family, he’s a provider yet when a woman does the same, she’s a wage slave?! It's nonsensical that earning money for your family is dignified for a man but degrading for a woman.. but again sexism.

Women can value being mothers while also wanting financial independence, security and the ability to provide for their children 🤷🏼‍♀️

I pointed out that many people with jobs they don't find intellectually stimulating (often low paid, more menial jobs, without mch opportunity for advancement) may have more opportunity to pursue passions and interests they do find intellectually stimulating when staying at home, including studying part time to retrain for a different job/career. A lot of women here are talking as though the only employment people have are enjoyable careers, so I'm pointing out that's not the majority's experience.

For some reason, you tried to paint that as me saying that playing with a 3-year-old was more intellectually stimulating than work, which I didn’t.

I'm not the one complaining and sounding resentful about the choices I was able to make, and did make. You are.

I think a lot of people don't seem to realise that for (many) most, a job is just a means to earn money, which people don't enjoy a great deal, but know they need to do. Not everyone has a vocational career or job, and for a lot of people, being able to invest more time into their children is much more meaningful to them.

That's not to say there's anything wrong with wanting to continue in your career or job, though, and of course not everyone has the option.

What are you on about? I'm not resentful of my choices at all. I work full time. That is my choice. I don't want to stay at home.

Please explain how claiming middle class women with careers have classist views because they don't understand that the working classes have boring jobs is not supposed to be offensive.