Left a well-paid job over a toxic manager, AIBU?

[Nobodyiswatching]

I’ve recently walked away from a fairly well-paid job because my boss was utterly lacking in human empathy and her behaviour was so toxic it was making me feel ill. Think accusing me of not doing enough work when I was clearly overworked, telling me I had made other people look foolish in meetings with colleagues by completing reports that I had to send to senior management and that everyone else was more than happy with, telling me in online meetings that my offer to record/transcribe (trying to help her out) wasn’t needed and that it was not my meeting. Critiquing and pulling apart all my work in supervisions, telling me that other people had done the reports (not me) and speaking to me in like a four year old. Never asking how I was or bothering with any of the “wellbeing” questions that were a vital part of the supervision records.

This is someone who clearly disliked me from the start, & set out to make my professional life hell. Unfortunately she was also my line manager. Never praised pieces of work, heaped a load more on me and then sat in a handover meeting with the Snr manager (her boss) and when asked if she knew about all my pieces of work said “Nope. News to me.”

Just for context, everyone else I’ve ever worked with professionally has been great and I’ve never had any issues like this before. But she made me so uncomfortable and unsafe in her company that I handed my notice in - after trying to amicably address it directly through her and subsequently her manager when my attempts failed.

I sometimes feel angry that I’ve had to walk away from a steady job because of this toxic management culture. And then I think perhaps I did what was necessary in order to dodge a bullet. Maybe it was a wise move. I was struggling to eat, struggling to sleep, struggling to be present with my family. And physically, I felt very ill as well as mentally. But because of the ok salary I have moments where I wonder if I did the right thing.

Has anyone else done similar and not regretted it?

I had to give up a secondment opportunity early because of the awful manager. She would rip apart my work and make me cry. She wouldn’t explain properly what I needed to do and then complain that I hadn’t done it right. I tried everthing I could to resolve the situation but it didn’t get better. I hadn’t done this area of work before and they were supposed to train me. I mean, this was the whole point of the secondment!

In the end I went back to my original position and then found out she had been bullying others in the team too. She actually did leave the company a few months later.

I still feel angry that I lost out on the opportunity and better pay because of her.

They say people join a company and leave a manager, and it is often true.

I left my last job after 5 months because I cried twice in a week. I couldn't afford to just quit (I had previously been out of work for 16 months after redundancy,) and I was expecting it to take much longer to find another, but I got a substantial salary increase, few hours, a much shorter commute and no on-call - and then a promotion after 10 months.

I gave feedback to HR on why I was leaving- whether that has changed anything since, I don't know, as I'm not in touch with anyone there.

Everyone's circumstances are different - some people can afford to just quit, because they have savings. It can also be the case that having to live on beans on toast for a few weeks is better for your mental health than staying with a decent salary.

It's a tough market out there currently, so good luck.

YANBU OP.

I left a good job because of a toxic manager. She had treated my predecessor badly as well. Genuinely think she was a nasty piece of work with imposter syndrome.

I did put in a written complaint about her. Shortly after I left she was made redundant. Ironically she now works as a self employed counsellor and offers her services on good mental health in the workplace 🙄 you couldn’t make it up ……

Yes, I did the same thing in June. Because of a toxic micromanaging misogynist boss who was making me hate my job.

I almost immediately got a new job on slightly more money with better wfh conditions (2 days in the office, which is less than 10 mins walk from my home).

I had a nice 6 week break, went on holiday to Bali and came back to start my lovely new job.

I did the same a couple of years ago. Left with no package, no other job. It wasn't a toxic boss but a toxic org where restructuring and moving of nice managers had made it unbearable. My hours were awful and I just felt it had all become so heavy. Had a few months off and then found a contract which became a permanent role.
I didn't want to go sick because then it would still be something I was connected to. I wanted the break, the freedom.
It was so worth it for the peace of mind it created. This company is better in some ways, but my current team is very understaffed. If it doesn't get solved I'm going to leave next year after my bonus, take the summer off and then look for another contract role.
I was the loyal corporate citizen for ages, and now I am going to look after my interests first. I'm older but I know I'm very competent, diligent and easy to work with, so I'm confident that future contracts will also lead to future permanent roles if I want them.

@Nobodyiswatchingsometimes it’s simply self preservation. I had a similar sounding boss and left a role 3 years ago with nothing lined up. I reported to her manager but nothing was done as she was quite senior, so I just resigned as I didn’t have the energy anymore. Found a job a few months later and used the time to recover and get my mental health back on track. I didn’t have the energy to fight. I don’t regret it, I did what I needed to do at the time for me and my family. It took me a while to get over it as i felt broken, but you will recover now you are out of the situation. Look after yourself, and do what’s right for you. Health and happiness come first.

I knew it was time to move on when I was fantasising about poisoning my toxic manager.

Definitely the best decision for me.

Ive done this and will be starting a new job soon.

It feels like a leap into the unknown as been in old job a long time, but the manager is not going to change for the better, so I'm off.

I’ve been there OP and leaving was the best thing I ever did. I was fortunate enough to leave for a better role but toxic boss was a major factor in even looking.

The difference in me since I left is amazing - I look forward to work, am no longer crying in the ladies and my mental health has improved significantly. I’ve bumped into several former colleagues who tell me how well I look.

Whilst lining up another job or challenging the toxic manager through the workplace would have been ideal, sometimes it’s not always possible and you have to make the decision to go and deal with the consequences for your own sanity. I tried to challenge my toxic manager but discovered that the higher ups knew and wanted to do nothing. I can’t understand how they’re all still in post but it made me realise how deep the toxicity ran.

Good luck with what comes next. It may be a bit bumpy for a while but you’ll be better off in the long run.

My DH did this, except it was about 4 months into a new job. He interviewed with people who weren’t going to be his immediate boss (as she was also being recruited) and it was just a really bad match. She wasn’t giving any guidance on the role and made him feel, for lack of a better word, stupid. Caused him horrible stress and anxiety, to the point it was affecting his sleep and he dreaded going to work.

He was in a catch up meeting with his manager and she asked him how he thought it was going, he answered honestly saying not well. She then started pointing out everything he was not doing well (and not in a constructive way either) and he basically told her to stop, there was no point and he was handing in his notice. Essentially his mic drop moment!

I had previously told him to leave as thankfully I could cover the finances in the meantime, so this wasn’t completely out of the blue (but how he did it definitely was!). He did manage to get a new job not too long after where he is in a better team with a good manager, so he is happy.

If you had the ability to do so, I would always respect people who basically put their hand up and say “no more. My wellbeing is worth more than this. I am worth more than this.” Unfortunately not everyone can due to financial means, and I feel really sorry for anyone stuck in that position.

I stayed until the bitter end, went through potential redeployment with HR (who at first thought it was just a personality mismatch ‚toxic boss is toxic boss, we can’t change her, but we can find you somewhere new‘. They took their time about it, toxic boss got her tame CEO to order HR to get me out, and I ended up leaving with a very large settlement, having exposed the workings in that department to HR and most of the rest of the company.

It cost me a lot and I‘m still recovering several months later. But the settlement gives me the time to recover.

You can’t change or ‘win’ against a toxic boss. And you can’t make her unhappier inside than she already is. But you can protect your own health by leaving.

Good luck op, your mental wellbeing is the most important thing in life.
I also wonder how many toxic managers are on this site 🤔I imagine quite a few.
Do you think they are self-aware and just don't care?

I suspect some aren't aware. I suspect a former bullying manager thought he was unfortunate in having to deal with such a difficult recalcitrant team, rather than reflecting on why people didn't just do as he asked/ordered.

No they are not self-aware. They value time and effort that makes them look good and bolsters their position. I do think lots of toxic managers are struggling with deep-rooted insecurities because it’s amazing how dreadful they are at managing real people.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that you can never please a toxic boss. You could stay, put your head down and work doubly hard; and you would still be verbally torn apart and humiliated. You could hand them the world on a silver platter and they’d tell you to put it down and find a bigger platter because you’d viciously not looked hard enough. In short, you cannot win. But you can choose yourself.

Thankfully most people are kind and care about their employees - so it’s only a fraction who are toxic but sometimes, I suppose you’re unlucky enough to get one, and that’s when you need to make uncomfortable decisions that are hard at the time but pay you back tenfold long-term

Exactly this, I wish I had left earlier. I was in no fit state when I did leave to be interviewing. It takes time to get the confidence back.

What's the point of starting an AIBU if you don't want any dissenting opinions?

Being micromanaged is the absolute worst as is a manager putting you down publicly in meetings.

They say you don’t leave a job, but leave a manager which is very true.

Yes. A job very early on in my career. I left without anything lined up which was terrifying at the time but I could have moved to my parents if needed! I realised I had been very naive taking this particular job in a very small company - and thankfully managed to get back into the sector I have successfully worked in ever since.
Have had a very difficult micromanaging manipulative boss since then but was trying to move to a different team as I wasn't walking away from an otherwise great employer - when thankfully he left instead for a promotion where I heard he also pissed everyone off!

Oh what a great story!

Bet she looked shocked?!

Luckily I managed to get a much better job and just left. But had it been a month or two longer I would have walked out without another job to go on to. Until you’ve been there I don’t think you understand just how crushing it is to have a toxic boss and to be bullied at work. Even though I spotted it and got out early it still has horrible echoes for me at times.

I didn’t take out a grievance because I just wasn’t up for the fight. I did tell HR and the Board what was going on but as far as I’m aware nothing happened. Except that they must have wondered why half the staff left after me, and why they still can’t retain anyone good.

I read this book just last week and found it really helpful on the topic: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1399836870?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

Sometimes leaving is what you have to do for your own peace of mind. I left a job and timed my resignation to be as strategically awkward for my line manager and her manager (who was wholly unsupportive to me when I asked for help) as possible!

Yes, I have. Mo regrets at all.

I did this recently and it was the best decision I could possibly have made. Luckily, I had a very long notice period (teaching) and was able to find another job before I actually finished the old one. My mental health has been so much better since.
Those people suggesting taking out a grievance - you need a certain amount of mental strength to go through with that and being bullied can erode your sense of self so significantly that you just don’t have it in you.

I needed to read this for solidarity. Heading back into my toxic workplace with my toxic line manager. Minimum wage. Went to see GP who is happy to sign me off, but I dont think that's the right way to go. I've got a few interviews but my brain isn't working properly and not sleeping so its hard.

Where I work there was one bad apple. Two of her team left. Everyone else was miserable. I was lucky enough to move teams! She was clearly being ‘managed out’ but slowly with complaints against her. She’s now announced she’s retiring.

life drastically improved for me once I didn’t have to deal with her 🤗