AIBU not to let my sister stay in our flat while we're away?

[Ifiwere]

I live in London with my partner and we’re renting a flat. We’re going away for about 3 weeks in November. My sister has been living abroad for the last few years doing seasonal work and travelling. This summer she happened to be working somewhere much closer to the UK and it was looking like she was finally going to stop the seasonal work and move back to the UK.

Her plan is to move to London for a few reasons, including pursuing a business/career opportunities has, being closer to friends, just wanting to live in the city and having better job opportunities while she gets herself established. She’s nearly 30 and the plan was for her to spend October living with our parents just outside London, use that as a base to get everything sorted, see friends etc, and find a room in London to move into around the beginning of November. She definitely can't afford her own flat, so it would be a room in a house/flat share.

She’s now asked if she can stay in our flat while we’re away. It actually makes perfect sense for her. She’d have somewhere of her own for a few weeks, wouldn’t have to travel in from our parents' house for viewings, and it gives her a bit more time to find somewhere rather than rushing into a room. She’s said she’ll cover the bills and even offered to pay me some rent. I don't need the money though. Without her in the picture, we'd just be paying the rent as normal and it was never an issue. I also know that if I charged her what we're paying, it would eat into a fairly big chunk of the savings she needs to live off while she gets established.

The thing is… I feel weird about it. There’s no dramatic reason. She’s not a drug addict, she’s not going to trash the place, and I’m not worried she’d deliberately do anything. She is fairly clumsy, but if she broke something she'd be absolutely mortified and would do her best to replace it. We’re not estranged or anything, but we aren't particularly close either. My partner says he genuinely doesn't mind and is staying out of it, so it’s basically down to me.

Part of me thinks this is such an easy thing to do for my sister and I'd be a bit of a cow to say no. We’ll literally be away anyway, and it would help her out enormously. But another part of me just really doesn't want to. I don't particularly like the idea of someone living in our flat while we're away, even if it is my sister, and I can't quite explain why. I also suspect she'd be quite hurt and possibly resentful if I said no, which makes me feel even worse about saying no.

So AIBU?
YANBU, it’s your flat and you don’t need to justify not wanting her there?* *
YABU, she’s your sister and this is a pretty easy favour to do, you’re a cow to say no ?

She seems to be responsible so why not it just seems a bit silly you would have reservations about letting her stay there
If you have any breakables just put them away before she comes

I would, without a fair reason it is mean not to. She's back from abroad now, it's a kind gesture

He’d not love that . He hates lying and likes and gets on with my sister , and wouldn’t like any potential negative feelings caused by this to be aimed at him (whether it’s simply the idea of her internally being upset or something more observable) when it’s my doing and my choice, and I don’t think that’d be fair to put on him.

I really don’t know !

im not particularly private or precious in general,
she’s explicitly said she’s not want to or try to stay after we’re back (which wouldn’t really be possible and I’d heat hard no to anyway ) and I have no reason to think she would try to push this or take advantage and she’s quite a ‘I’ll figure something out’ person .

We did have a strained relationship growing up, lots of things including her complicated relashionship and tension with parents (not entirely her fault), some struggles with her mental health etc in which I was sometimes collateral/ hurt in the fallout , but as we’ve become adults our relationship has become much better; there’s been conversations and apologies and effort put into improving things between us. When I say we’re not close I probably meant to say we’re not as close as some sisters , but generally pretty good .

I’m not sure that’s it … at least not on a conscious level!

We’re very different people and that lifestyle just wouldn’t have been for me (no judgement on her for it suiting her though ! ) - so I’m not sure it’s simple jealousy

I think you should let your sister stay and maybe dig deep and work on why you're not feeling comfortable in allowing your sister to stay in your empty flat...

I would be worried that when it came to it she may have worn out her welcome with your parents then move into your flat for three weeks only to find that flats are more expensive than she’d realised (they are) or that she couldn’t meet all the requirements for renting or something like that leading to an awkward situation

It may be that you don’t want to risk the possibility of feeling responsible for her

You would need to check with your landlord. And get their permission.
You would need to sort your home insurance too.

You are not entirely sure about it. Partly as she is a woman who has not settled down yet. And you might wonder if she would leave when you came back.

Listen to your gut feeling. She can stay with one of her friends.

It would be a no from me.

I can’t imagine refusing a family member.

Or trust her feelings, not let her stay but also work to understand why.

It started with them cat sitting (although a neighbour would have happily covered) and then became "it was lovely staying at yours last time so we thought we'd come up and keep an eye on the house for you again" even though the cats now go to a cattery as they generally only come for part of our holiday.

No reason to refuse - they don't think it's an issue and would happily reciprocate, DH can't see the problem so it's just me. And all the things I listed would sound ridiculous as reasons for them not to come. So I just deal with it...

Haha, I can say the “woman who hasn’t settled down” thing is absolutely not a factor 😂 I have zero judgement about her travelling or not having “settled down”, and honestly find the idea that this would make me wary of her a bit weird and old-fashioned.

I genuinely don’t know where my reservations come from, but it’s definitely not quite prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable/ irrational , but please don’t attribute it to some judgement I simply don’t have

And I’m not worried about her refusing to leave either. She’s not that sort of person or a freeloader so if I said it won’t work with us here she wouldn’t try to push that , she’s also made it clear she has no intention of staying beyond the time she’s asking , and I have no reason not to believe her.

I am not telling you I think you are unreasonable nor irrational.

By saying not settled down, I did not mean married. I mean she sounds like someone who is travelling, not settled anywhere.

And I have no judgement about her doing so either.

So have her to stay. From what you say there is nothing bothering you really.

Can't you just say your LL won't allow it due to insurance on something?

if your gut is saying no then don’t let her. You won’t be able to relax when you’re away. You don’t know who she’ll bring back to your house.

I wouldn’t be keen to have someone in my home when I’m not there. But I’m more private and would find it weird them using my stuff.

BUT it’s also hard to find a reason that she’ll accept. Maybe just be honest and say you don’t feel comfortable. It’s not like she’ll be homeless as she’ll have your parents home.

Ahh okay, sorry, I think I took the “woman who hasn’t settled down” comment differently. The way it was phrased sounded like you were suggesting that her being a woman who travels and hasn’t settled down might be something I viewed negatively, which really isn’t the case at all, so I wanted to clear that up!
If you simply meant she’s not currently settled anywhere, then yes, I understand what you meant now.
And I know you weren’t saying I’m unreasonable specifically, I just meant generally that I’m open to being told I’m being unreasonable because I don’t actually have a concrete reason for my reservations.

What would happen if she’s getting close to outstaying her welcome at your parents by November, and them having 3 weeks peace and quiet means they don’t really want her back? Would you feel obliged, or be pressured, to let her stay longer?

If you’re not comfortable with it, it’s ok to say no. I wouldn’t be either - I like to clean and tidy up, change the bed etc. before going away knowing it’ll be lovely to come back to. If someone else stays it’ll just feel different (and might be a mess).

OP, think about what type of relationship you would like going forward with her?
You don't seem to think that she will disrespect your home or take advantage.
I can still understand that you might just not like anyone staying in your space.
I really get that.
But I would think in this case it could be the kind thing to do, despite your understandable reluctance to share your space.

Nothing wrong with you saying yes but explaining it is an ask as you are protective of your space.
Many people are.

I have friends whom have done amazing house swaps.
We have a lovely house in a great city and my husband cannot face it.
If someone would do the big clean I would be so game.

My goodness, let her stay. It's a tiny faff for you, but afterwards you will be glad you did.

Ask her to pay a fair amount to cover electricity/gas/etc.

Oh, and "she’s your sister and this is a pretty easy favour to do, you’re a cow to say no".