AIBU to feel uneasy that DP texted his ex's former boyfriend?

[Dontknowhowtofeelx]

NC as could be outing.

DP and I together 4 years, he has a 6yr old with his ex. His ex has had a few bf’s and unfortunately does ram them down SDD’s neck a bit, Father’s Day cards, moving in etc but on the whole SDD seems to accept them and then move on once they are out of the frame. (Please note I am acutely aware of the possible issues with this but this isn’t what the post is about).

Anyway, around April this year, latest BF was on the scene, same thing, at sports day, clubs, Father’s Day pressies etc this one even started to be at the door when DP did drop off seemed a bit overly involved but we just ignored it. At one point he apparently tried to give DP ‘advice’ on how he would parent a situation which DP seemed to think was ‘a sign of a decent bloke’ 🙄 I never met him.

Around the same time SDD got her own phone with her own WhatsApp etc and was texting this man in private chats as well as in a group chat with her mum and his family (as I say she involves them heavily in life early on!) From a safeguarding perspective I hated this and I would check her these messages on her phone DP would do the same all seemed to be.

fast forward, by September we hear that new step dad is gone, 6yr old DD recounts an argument where he shouted at mummy and left and she hasn’t see him since and isn’t allowed to text him anymore. He wasn’t at drop off last few weeks so we assume it is over.

DP and I obviously briefly discussed this but nothing more.

I came home earlier and DP has announced he has text this bloke asking why he has separated with ex??? I asked him why? He got defensive and said because he deserved to know as SDD was involved? He said he took the number a few weeks ago from SDD’s phone without her knowing???

SDD hasn’t mentioned this man since and has been absolutely fine with us.

the more Iv thought about it the more I think, why does he care?

would this make anyone else feel odd?

Why does it make you feel odd?

It doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

I suppose I feel odd because why does he care why his ex separated from her latest short term relationship? And why does he think this bloke would tell him? It totally not his business

It sounds like he liked this man and wants to be friends with him.

Perhaps because his daughter mentioned shouting and then him leaving. Could it be he wants to know if his child was regularly exposed to arguements or worse with this boyfriend?

This one seemed more likely to stay the course seeing as he was more involved.

Your DP probably hoped it was the case so it was more stable for his child.

He's probably disappointed it all went wrong and his child will be back to another stream of men in her life. Plus it sounds like he actually liked this man.

None of this is suspicious to me.

I suppose potentially, but he isn’t on the scene anymore and there isn’t anything we could do about it now?

That’s fair enough, I’m open to seeing all points of view.

I didn’t know him, he just spoke to him on a couple of occasions.

No, it wouldn't. You asked him why, he gave you the answer. Unless you have any reason to mistrust him, I am not sure what else you think there is to it.

I suppose I wouldn’t dream of interfering in my ex’s recent relationship breakdown? What business is it of mine to ask?

Do you have a child who lives with your ex though?

There’s loads of odd stuff here

a conveyor belt of stepdads
safeguarding concerns
emotional damage
a 6 year old with a phone
your “dp” messaging one of these men

you want my advice?

do not have a child with this man and this circus going on with his older daughter as your child could then hear all about this from them and think it’s normal and consider the relationship seriously

Not lives with but I do have a child with my ex yes.

Trust me, we are absolutely not having children.

For anyone that is interested the message has been read and he has not responded.

Also, thank you for highlighting a 6 year old with a phone with a random unrelated male in it for 24/7 access! Was made to feel I was overreacting when I initially raised concerns about this

You have to ask yourself tho why is your “dp” allowing his daughter to live in such an environment and not intervening - that would be an issue to me and speaks volumes about him letting all this go on.

But just because you wouldn't, doesn't mean other people think the same way you do.
He told you it was because of the involvement with his daughter. My ex used to do the same. He was incredibly protective of his daughter which caused him to meddle a lot with his ex's dating life including staying in regular contact with her current partner who ended up using him as an unpaid relationship councilor. I don't see it as healthy but that's not my business.

Oh we have had similar conversations but their contact is very regular and set by the court before me. But I do get this point!

I just think what is this poor little girl subject too? But good she has regular contact with you.

Agree with PP who say don’t have a child with him. A 6yo with a phone is going to be an absolute terror of a teen and I wouldn’t even want any part of that. In fact I would just think twice over the relationship itself.

@Dontknowhowtofeelx maybe he suspects there is more to this and his dd is just keeping something from him.

You make it sound like parents have a choice. The bar set by cafcass is a very low one

The issue here is that you’re framing his interest in the breakup around potential lingering feelings for his ex.

Perhaps he’s concerned that the big shouting argument his daughter recounted involved something inappropriate towards her 🤷🏻‍♀️

The reason could be something that your partner can use to go to crt for residency so he can protect his dd from the psychological damage that her mum is doing to her

Unfortunately I rather doubt that. It’s is more likely to be a macabre interest in his ex’s life

Are you worried that hes still emotionally involved with his ex and using her past boyfriends to get information about her life?