AIBU to trust my gut about my husband's messaging and defensiveness?

[Fuckingdrivel]

A few months ago my husband was messaging a woman he used to go to college with. The messages were reminiscent, not overtly flirtatious or anything. But crossed the line for me… she told him she’d just ended her 12 year relationship and wanted to “catch up”. She lives outside of Europe and said they’d catch up when she got back. He mentioned our child and his career in the last decade or so but not me. His excuse for this is that she could see he was married as our wedding picture and recent pictures are on his social media.

She started sending him voice notes and he stopped replying. His explanation to me was that he “felt like it was weird” and “only you send me voice notes”.

It wasn’t the fact he was talking to an old friend, it’s the fact he lied. At first he said it was a random girl in the year below him, then that she was his sisters age (12 years younger than him), and then that they were good friends when I found the messages?

It sounds ridiculous writing it down, but for weeks before this, my gut was telling me he was talking to her. He was looking at me with contempt, less affectionate and generally quite mean. As soon as I saw he’d friended her (she came up on my suggestions), my gut was screaming at me. I’m not usually a jealous person but I knew something was going on.

He was very apologetic, reassured me he was just catching up with an old friend. It took months to get over it, it left me feeling awful.

Over the last few weeks he’d been talking about a woman who works in the same area of work as him. She’s opening her own company and was offering him a job. They are currently in the same office space, and have discussed it there. He said that she had suggested that they go for a coffee at the weekend to talk things through. I thought this was odd, given that they can talk in work. I didn’t say anything, but eventually they sorted it on text.

Tonight she popped up on my friend suggestions on facebook. My gut has been screaming at me for weeks - husband less interested in me, distant, critical. So I asked if that was the new manager from work. He got really defensive and said I must be looking her up and that I had a bad attitude. I found his reaction over the top. I’ve done this before with people from his gym/work (and he’s done the same to me), it’s like putting a name to a face?

He’s stormed out and said I’ve ruined another evening. Have I? Aibu to trust my gut ?

Come on... what do you think we're all going to say?

I don’t know if I’m overreacting. No evidence, it’s just how I feel

I feel like... Maybe the first one was a harmless flirtation and then he reeled it right back in in a slight panic when she started the voice notes.

However he's got "mentionitis" with the second one. Not a good sign.

Personally, I don’t see anything here that would set off alarm bells for me. The first woman does just sound like an old friend. I would have exchanges like that with people from my past that mean nothing. He stopped when she started sending him voice notes which is a good sign.

The other woman sounds like a legitimate business associate. I think it’s perfectly understandable she might not want to talk to him about her intention to poach him from their current company inside the office of that company.

On the face of it, it looks to me like you’re overreacting. Has he ever given you any reason to think every woman he has contact with is some sort of threat?

No you’re not over reacting at all. Really sorry this is happening to you. To be honest I think it’s ultimatum time for him. He either quits texting other women and trying to meet them at weekends. He cuts all ties with his ex college girlfriend or your relationship with him is over. I would mean it to if I were you.

He is treating you like crap and you know it.

its not the fact he was talking to her, it was the lies about he lied so much about who she was and then basically carried on a conversation where she positioned herself as single and he didn’t mention his wife? It’s so out of character for him, he says women and men can’t be friends.

I don't think it is odd that she has popped up on FB, it does all sorts of weird connections. I don't think it is that odd that they want to discuss job details over coffee. I would, and I would not be thinking of going there so I can start a relationship, nor would I expect my OH to say "why are you going to meet him" although in the end he didn't anyway, he sorted it by text and in the office. Please just talk. Many couples don't have quite the right balance with jealousy, and a bit of talk and reassurance might help you. If it was the other way around, Mumsnetters would be up in arms, calling him controlling and unreasonable ( btw I am not saying you are). If he is distant and the relationship is not feeling right, then even more reason to talk. Hope this helps x

I think you already know. When you started feeling like he was being critical and distant, I feel like that was a big flag, your gut instinct kicked in. It’s not usually wrong. And if this is now the second time he has crossed the line, you probably need to have a serious talk with him. Lay it on the line. In a calm and non-accusatory tone, just let him know that these sort of ‘chats’ are not ok with you, and if he can’t meet your needs or offer alternatives to meet in the middle, then you need to rethink your relationship.

You've posted this before. I've seen it, word for word, including claiming she was a friend of his sister and 12 year age difference.

👌

If you think he is looking elsewhere then it probably means you don't really trust him anymore. If your partner treats you badly and is mean, then combine these things you're not really in a good, strong happy relationship. Only you can decide what to do with your life going forward OP.

The professional connection seems normal. I would think nothing of meeting a colleague outside work hours to discuss a business proposition.

The lies are unfortunate and disappointing, but if there is a lot of jealousy, which it seems like there is, it could easily be his (not very smart) way of trying to reassure you.

The distance towards you could likewise be a response to the jealousy. How did you come across these messages in the first place?

I’m very wary of men’s motives in situations like this, but if my DH was doing the same I honestly don’t think I’d be automatically presuming he was cheating or looking to.

These men are so predictable they are boring. How old is he?

30s

There was never jealousy issues before the messages. I was quite secure in the way I was and the way things were. My gut told me that there was something going on. We speak about everything and anything, yet he didn’t mention being back in touch with this friend/acquaintance. He admitted himself it went “too far”

Are you sure it’s out of character for him? You know of two already. Maybe the old friend wasn’t the first and the colleague not the last.

Right around the age for midlife crises
I wish I would have listened to myself the first time my xH was chatting up a woman online and just left him but I didn't. it drug on for another 2 years until he finally cheated on me

I suppose it just comes down to what you’re asking and what you want to do.

Exchanges can go too far and people can recognise that and bring an end to them. People can have legitimate business relationships with people of the opposite sex that involve meeting up outside work hours. Or sometimes something more might be going on. I don’t think there’s enough evidence for the latter, if that’s what you’re asking people for. It’s always going to come down to how much you trust them. Like I said, in the same situation I wouldn’t be ready to break up with my DH. If I was really worried I’d be getting him to come to couples therapy with me.

Trust your gut can also mean let your insecurities take over. Which is it for you?

Is the work associate an attractive women?

Yes.

But the issue is why was his first question did you search her? Why’s that even a question? Why not just say yeah that’s her. It just feels very odd

Indeed, word for word copying and pasting why?

So, is your husband not allowed to have any friends either?

@Fuckingdrivel You are just looking for something to make an issue of. Is your life that boring? There are easier, and less damaging, ways to make it more interesting.

If you want to get rid of your husband, you're doing all the right things to achieve that. If you were writing about your husband monitoring your phone use and who you had on your Facebook Friends list, people would be telling you he was controlling and to get rid of him. How is what you're doing any different? Take a step back and look at yourself.