AIBU to want to help my daughter financially after redundancy?

[Icecreamlover63]

My eldest daughter has an 18 month old Son.

she has a good job and earns a good salary however her partner has just lost his job. We are all very worried which is completely understandable.
we have a lot of savings and I want to give my daughter some so she can manage the bills on her own however my husband says, ‘No’. We will still have over £320k even if we help out. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable because all I want to do is help and I feel between a rock and a hard place.
I understand people on here have far greater issues and in the past my life has been anything but plain sailing but I’ve pulled through and now I can help I really want to.
thank you x

I would think more about my DD and less about my SIL. You should discuss it with her in private first. Imagine he turns into someone who decides not to work any more and just spaffs your DD's inheritance. Why do you think he needs rescuing?

Your husband makes a fair point. Give him room to sort a new job. They may well have rainy day funds and the worry is around how long he'll be without a job; not that they'll struggle right now.

I would sit tight for longer before stepping in. A lump sum will disappear fast, and probably mess up any benefits they might be entitled to. At the point they can't cover the mortgage they need help.

I would sit tight and see what happens. If things look bad then you have a chat with them and offer small amounts.

To be frank I think it's to soon to be giving unasked for gifts of cash to your daughter in this situation just yet. Men ( and women) can take redundancy very personally and many do not want to be treated as if they are a charity case or draw attention to their inability to support their families with the potential feelings of loss of dignity and self respect. Just leave it for a few months and review it then..

By all means tell your daughter in private and discreetly that if they need help to tied them over etc, to let you know, but step back before handing out cash so soon, especially as your husband isn't in agreement yet .

It's great that you are in a position to help with a real tangible safety net. But wait a little and try to get your husband on board first.

While still having 320k sounds like a lot, what is that supposed to help you with? Is that basically your pension/supplement to your state pension? Or intended to support you in old age if one of you needs care so you have more choice than with state support? Because I don't think it's actually huge amount to cover old age for two people. But it depends what other assets you have (and how old you are).

As someone who got into thousands and thousands of debt whilst on mat leave with my 2nd when my DH lost his job. If you have the means, please help. I feel sick when I look at my bank after the bills are taken each month. My parents helped to a certain degree but I had to pay it all back, which I understand completely however, they had the means to gift it and didn’t. For what it’s worth, I also have a very good job+salary but not a great mat pay I should’ve gone back sooner but I really wanted extra time off after going back 4.5months after my first. Please help your daughter

You haven’t said how much you want to give them.

They may not actually need it yet, I would fact find more first before making any promises.

Sounds like you are panic spending. Nothing you have said indicates that they are struggling yet financially.

I would hold off for a while and see if he gets another job fairly soon

I wouldn't just give them a wodge of money. I would help out in other ways. Buy them some some groceries occasionally. Pay nursery fees. Buy some clothes for their child (checking first as to what is needed and wanted), pay for their car MOT, replace a broken washing machine. That kind of thing. Be there to help but not just to top up their income. It is important, I think, for people to live within their own incomes as much as possible and to cut their coat according to their cloth. Losing his job does mean that their income will be reduced and they will need to make some economies but, having been in extreme dire straights myself in the past, it is good to know that there is somebody to help you if (and only if) something essential comes up that you absolutely cannot afford to pay for.

You sound absolutely lovely and your husband sounds mean and selfish - id absolutely help any of my kids in this situation.

gift money to both now if you want to but to not just give it to one daughter. Do you work? How much do you earn vs your husband? Can you give your daughter your spending money for the month - if you each take an amount to spend as you wish.

Do they actually need your help? Are they struggling to buy food and pay bills? Or do they just have to cut back on holidays, meals out, indulgences?

So now you are spending your MILs money in advance of her death....

No!

Your DH is right. You don't have any money to give. He is looking at your retirement and you are not

You are borrowing from the future with absolutely no certainty of getting the money, or your eldest paying you back when she does

She is an adult. They have prospects and haven't even asked you

Take a small step back, you are close to being that overly invested MIL we read too much about

I’ve decided to sit tight right now. I think as a parent your initial reaction is to help in anyway you can.
but I want my SIL to get another job and I have a feeling if I go in with arm fulls of financial help he will possibly sit back. I don’t know but either way I’ll sit here and just be supportive. In other ways.

my husband has been amazing through all of this he is kind but he said they are a unit and have to sort things out for themselves but obviously if things go wrong financially we can swoop in later.

Why not help in less "cash lump sum" ways? Could you do a weekly shop for them? Or pay for childcare fees ? Or something like that? This may help see them through and DH may find this more palatable than a lump sum

Stepfather presumably

There is no way I’d be sitting on £320k while my dd struggled, no way.

While I agree with that, there isn’t actually any sign that the dd is struggling. She seems to be well paid, her husband has just been made redundant but gets some redundancy pay, they’ve probably got some savings and he could well have a new job in the next 2/3/6 months. It seems a bit early to be panicking and giving them money to me. Ask how things are, and let them you know you’re there to help if needed, sure. But I’m with the OPs husband to an extent…let the children figure it out and let them know you’re there if they need you. Maybe in a month or two the situation will be much clearer, one way or another.