AIBU to want to help my daughter financially after redundancy?

[Icecreamlover63]

My eldest daughter has an 18 month old Son.

she has a good job and earns a good salary however her partner has just lost his job. We are all very worried which is completely understandable.
we have a lot of savings and I want to give my daughter some so she can manage the bills on her own however my husband says, ‘No’. We will still have over £320k even if we help out. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable because all I want to do is help and I feel between a rock and a hard place.
I understand people on here have far greater issues and in the past my life has been anything but plain sailing but I’ve pulled through and now I can help I really want to.
thank you x

Would you be giving it to them both now?

How long ago was the redundancy and do they have their own savings?

I guess the issue is also if you step in now, what happens if they experience financial difficulties again?
Surely you need to let them try and work it out for themselves.

If both your kids are getting an inheritance, then why would you need to give your eldest money? Why would your youngest not get her inheiritance?

You're not making sense.

Slightly confused why youngest DD won’t get her inheritance but you
want to help eldest DD? Do you
plan to help DD, using youngest DD’s inheritance to pay yourselves back?
( or have I read it all wrong??) If this is the case, then YABU, yes. Besides, it isn’t DD who has lost her job. As someone said previously, maybe wait and see what happens. SIL might get a new job quickly.

Does your daughter even need the money? Has she asked for it?
When I was made redundant I had enough saved to tide me over until I got another job, I would have refused anything from my parents.

Talk to them first. Maybe she doesn’t need help yet, maybe they could get some ESA or something or benefits and this would affect that.

Are they struggling? How long ago did he lose his job?

I understand wanting to help but I also think you can't swoop in at every setback in life.

Maybe give them a few k for Christmas if he still hasn't got a job by then.

If you have more money than you could ever need and one of your children is struggling, why is whether to help even a question?

If they were living paycheck to paycheck then a conversation around their needs would be helpful. Eg we can contribute the mortgage for a period of 3-6 months, either as an advance or you can pay us back within 12 months. Sil will be well aware that this isn’t a forever situation and will hardly think yippee I never have to work again…

My youngest daughter will be getting an inheritance from my husbands mum. The youngest won’t get it now as we can then be paid back

both of my children are getting an inheritance.
this money would be an advance from us to them to help them now.
both children would get the same.

Really confused. Why are you including your youngest DD in this when it is your eldest possibly having a financial situation?

Anyway, have they actually asked for help? Maybe wait and see how the situation develops.

Also depends I think at what life stage you are at. Retired, nearly retired, both have pension provision or not. £320k sounds like a lot but if that is your entire life saving and retirement provision think carefully

Wait until they actually need it, you don’t need to swoop in straight away.

if you can afford it and your daughter would gratefully receive it I would gift them some money to take the pressure off and gift the same to younger daughter. Doesn’t seem complicated to me. If you husband is adamant and you view all your money as shared then you should both negotiate on the figure as I don’t feel he should have a veto and be able to say no completely so you can agree to a lower figure than you would ideally like.

While I think your heart is in the right place, you should leave your dd to navigate this with her husband, rather than immediately offering them money.
He has redundancy money, they may have savings, he could find a job quickly, dd may earn enough to cover their costs anyway etc etc.
They are both adults and have their own family, so id let them lead with whether they even need (or want) help.

I cannot imagine why your husband would not want to help and make their life easier if you can afford to. We have a blended family of adult children and rightly or wrongly, all of them know if they ever fell
on hard times they have a safety net.

I was made redundant from a decent job in 2009. My husband had a decent job too. We have never financially recovered - I took low paid job to see us through at the time. If I could help my family I definitely would if it happened to them.

I also have step children and I would give them money too if I was able to

I agree with your DH. Give them time to make their finances work at their own pace and for her partner to look for another job.

Nothing wrong with helping out if the situation is getting bad but until then it's probably best to leave them to work at it.

I'd help my DD if my sil was made redundant or if she was either. I'd help by paying half their mortgage and possibly a food shop too. DH and I have separate finances so I certainly wouldn't ask his permission. If you have joint finances half that money is yours so yes if you want to help by paying half the mortgage for your DD then you should do so and your DH should stop being so mean. My own Dad was always very generous to me. I try to do the same for my DCs

Why not pay for a few tesco deliveries to start with?

I would wait. They should have savings. So 1 month redundancy, plus JSA (or UC) and he could have a new job before there is any financial hardship. Your DH is right that jumping in straight away would insulate them from a common life bump in the road - redundancy. They may need to learn the hard way to have savings in case of redundancy which means not spending everything you earn.

If it gets critical, and by that I mean potentially losing their home or needing a food bank then offer financial help.

But don’t offer right away, they should be able to weather this themselves without help and you don’t want them to feel guilty or like they owe you when they could have managed without the help.

So just wait and see.

Your husband is horrible. Does he even like your daughter and her son?

Does she actually NEED the money, as ita not clear?

Why not give her her inheritance now?
She can decide whether to pay the bills with it- after all she is in a far better position to judge how it could affect her husband's job search, than your husband is.
It also means it is completely fair she won't be getting any more than your other daughter.

Your husband may be right. You shouldn't need to swoop in and help immediately. Give him a chance to find work, if they get really stuck later, help then. They can and should try to stand on their own two feet first. We all have set backs and overcoming them gives you confidence.

If it's an advance then give it now.

I would think more about my DD and less about my SIL. You should discuss it with her in private first. Imagine he turns into someone who decides not to work any more and just spaffs your DD's inheritance. Why do you think he needs rescuing?