To leave kids out of birthday party invitation

[jayni149]

DD (year 1) has her birthday coming up. She is having her party at home (with an activity - entertainer type thing). In an ideal world we'd have no more than 20 kids, but could stretch a little if needed. We have 2 siblings, 1 cousin and 2 neighbours to include in that number.

There are 15 kids in her class, most of whom she gets on with. But there are 3 boys who are very "energetic" who have taken to rough housing with her which she doesn't like. It is week 3 and we have already had to address it twice with the school. She doesn't want these boys at her party.

She has another 5ish very close friends from last year who are in the other year 1 class this year. She would like to invite her class minus the 3 boys, plus her favourite friends from the other class.

I've said I don't think we can exclude the 3 boys from a mixed party, and that she should either invite the whole class or choose a smaller number. DH thinks she should invite who she likes.

Please help! YABU - she can invite who she likes. YANBU - you can't exclude 3 from a class of 15

There are always a couple of kids that
you wouldn’t want at a party
it’s your child’s birthday YOU get to choose, don’t spoil your daughters party by inviting them! I’ve got 3 kids and there is always the “ones to avoid”! X

Actions have consequences, even when you're six. They've been told to leave her alone and they haven't, so no cake for them.

What's the problem with excluding kids who are rough with your daughter and make her feel upset? It's her birthday.

It's not like you're leaving 1 kid out, and she has a good reason for not wanting them there. Don't invite them.

YABU

Why on earth would you invite kids you’ve had to contact the school about? Listen to your DD. As PP said, actions have consequences. No one is going to judge you for not inviting them.

In a situation like this I don’t like to just leave out a few, unless very good reason. You don’t detail what’s happened but I think it could be useful for you to observe these boys and get the measure of them yourselves, plus you can reassure your daughter that you will be there to help.

It is a tricky one as your DD and DH are right too - what DD wants should be a priority, but on balance I think at this young age, it’s either whole class or a much smaller affair.

Hi,

I can see why she wants to exclude them! But I dont think it'll go down well excluding 3 from a class of 15. Is not worth the drama. You have to go through many school years with these families.

If it is not a whole class party I'd say she just chooses 7 or 8 from her class, plus some from the other class and family/neighbours.

What are the boys like at birthdays? Do they miss behave when the parents are around? Is it a drop off party or will the parents stay?

The boys haven't been picking on her or targeting her particularly, they are just very boisterous and their play has resulted in her getting bumped. She is very tall and seems to attract rough play even though it is not her thing at all. The thought of them in the house does fill me with dread, somewhat.

Parents would be invited to drop and go, I think 50/50 would stay/go.

I am quite relieved that there is not a universal "must be whole class", as it seems as though it's not completely unheard of to be a bit selective!

I totally see your DH's point, but it's generally the done thing to invite a few (less than half) or everyone and I'm not sure I'd want to ruffle feathers/start any drama this early on in thr school year.

I would either invite them and use it as an opportunity to see what they're like/potentially tell them to leave your DD alone. Or let her pick just her close friends from her class plus the five from the other class, siblings and neighbours so it's a mixed bag and you're not just leaving three out.

You've had issues that have had to be raised with the school, I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

No way on god’s green earth would I be having a party for 20 children (and presumably their parents as only Y1) in my house. 6 friends from school and assorted others.

I think that’s okay. I think it’s only ever really mean if someone invites the whole class and excludes just the one child. That never sat right with me and it wasn’t something I ever did, but there’s a few you haven’t invited, so I do think that’s okay. I wouldn’t worry.

Without knowing the full details, this sounds at the very least borderline bullying with 3 boys ganging up on your little girl. And you not only want to invite them to her birthday party against her wishes, but you’re inviting them to a party INSIDE HER OWH HOUSE?? Her home is a safe space. No you do not put 3 boys who are repeatedly being nasty to her into her home on her birthday

The etiquette here for this is either you invite the whole class or if you do decide to leave only a couple out, don’t hand the invitations out at school. My oldest DC is turning 6 soon and wants friends at her party so she is allowed 10 friends. All but 1 she’s chosen are not in her class or are family friends.

The boys haven’t been picking on her or targeting her

But you said they’ve “taken to rough housing with her”. Presumably, since she doesn’t like it and you’ve spoken to the school, they’ve been told not to? Rough housing is not rough housing if the other person doesn’t want to and you’ve been told to stop - it’s bullying.

When my kids want to leave someone out for a stupid reason (ie: X played with Y instead of me today! They’re not coming to my birthday party!) I always tell them no, and to get over it. When they say they don’t want someone there because they hurt them/ hurt other children in the class constantly… that’s fine - they’re not coming. I will deal with the social consequences if there are any. I wouldn’t have someone who terrorised me at my birthday, so why should my kids?

I do also tell them that they probably won’t be invited to their party, and that that’s probably for the best if they don’t like them. I want them to learn not to go where they’re not wanted and also that not everyone is for everyone. Teaching kids to make friends is important but it’s also important to teach them when to keep their distance from people who aren’t for them (for whatever reason, but especially people who are aggressive).

Definitely your daughters choice, otherwise they could end up hurting her at her party!

Personally I’d either invite the whole class or just 5 or 6 from that class. I know there has been issues but Leaving three out may cause issues in the future (I’d just be keeping an eye on the behaviour). Kids talk, kids get upset, parents not happy.
They are only in year 1 and there is a hell of a lot of primary years and party politics to get through!!! I’d probably just invite them all 😂

@jayni149 the boys are boisterous but not horrible to her so yes they should be invited with the rest of the class. It will be her being horrible to them to exclude them.

This is silly. You don’t invite who your DD doesn’t want to invite. They're in year one, the kids who weren't invited don’t have the capacity to even process that they missed out or hold it against DD. Your DD will have much better time without them there. And she won’t remember them not being invited in a year either. Just do right by DD and make it the best for her. There are far many more struggles that come as they age, this is a no brainer.

Do you really want to have 20 odd children in your home who are potentially unsupervised by their parents? Are you familiar will all the children? Allergies? Injuries?

Respectfully, I'm not asking for advice on the party itself, whether we should have it at home, whether it should be drop and go etc. Those things I am more than comfortable with. It is the social dynamics of inviting most of a class but leaving out 3 which I'm struggling with (and really appreciating people's perspectives)

I'm not going to tell you that it's morally wrong but it is more likely than not to go down really badly.

To be honest I wouldn't want as many as 20 for a house party unless you've got loads and loads of room anyway.

I think Year 1 is still so little, that I’d invite the three boys. It’s a good opportunity for you to see the dynamic first hand, and correct their behaviour if needed. It might actually improve things at school if you spot behaviour you don’t like and can tell them on the spot.

They might be fine at the party. They might need some correcting. But there’s a reasonable chance it’s a win win - you don’t leave anyone out, and you curb their boisterous behaviour around your DD.

If it’s a problem next party, you don’t invite them. But at least you’ve tried

Drop the number to 15 then it’s 5 family/neighbours, 5 from the old class and 5 from the new. Then it’s less than half the new class invited which is fine.