To find it surprising that parenting alone is easier?

[Conversationalcheddar]

Dh is away for the week at a conference so I am
alone with 2 dds, 15mo and 4yo. I had been dreading it but it’s so much easier than when he’s around. He’s great, he does so much with the kids. But it’s been much calmer, happier and more relaxed without him. 4yo dd isn’t having any of her usual tantrums. The house is clean and tidy. I feel completely in control of everything, which I don’t normally. I hadn’t expected this, I’d expected a sh*tshow. How is this? Anyone else find this? I imagine it’ll wear off soon? Or is it true that sometimes too many cooks…(etc etc)

A week is easy... try 7 years!

Yes, it definitely feels like this will
be a short term thing. Maybe i’m just high on adrenaline and caffeine.

I would say this is a very worrying sign. Try to work out WHY it is so much better. When he returns you need to share this revelation with him and ask for some changes to be implemented. In the long term it will be hard to stay together if being alone is so much easier for you.

It's easier because you aren't having to compromise.

I was a lone parent for most of my kids lives; their dad wasn't a regular for their younger years and he was non-existent for the latter years. Unlike the PP with the slightly passive aggressive suggestion that the ease wears off....I did find it easier, for the whole time.

No compromising. My rules, my decisions.
Clear cut boundaries and no opportunity for the kids to play us off against each other.
No sharing of Christmases or special occasions.
No negative influences from their 'bad-egg' father.

Was it easy? No.
Would he have made it more difficult? Absolutely.

Mine is not a comparable situation to you because it sounds like you chose to have kids with a good guy. But yeah, men are quite often just another child to be managed in a household.

Calmer is probably inevitable as there’s less available friction with fewer main characters in the house. But happier and more relaxed? That’s not good. Actually happier, @Conversationalcheddar?

For me, it stayed easier for the rest of my DCs childhoods when the OH left - no more discussion/cajoling to try to get him to be involved with the kids, do some washing, anything - I just got organised and did it all, and lost all the feelings of unfairness! And people think you're doing amazingly and are impressed too 😀.

But your situation sounds less clear cut OP, so worth working out whats going wrong with the dynamic.

I get this. My DH is a great husband, and a truly fantastic father. If he actually ever left us our lives would fall apart. BUT when he is away occasionally for a few days for work I do really enjoy the different dynamics of our house. Not having to compromise or factor in another persons wishes is rather nice in the short term. It would be awful in the long term.

It is possible that the 4 year old is being extra good because she knows this week is different. And will be v badly behaved the minute DH gets back to “test” if he is going to stay. If this happens, don’t blame him or her. Just keep everyone calm and get life back to normal asap. (This is what my kids did around one parent travelling)

I get this to the point I actively make DH go away when kids are misbehaving. He's a soft touch, I'm not.

My dh went away for 10 days i also found it way calmer and easier than expected...

I dont know if it would be the same long term

I think it's pretty normal, not "worrying" at all. Fewer people and not having authority split, just makes for a calmer household. When DH is home, it's "fun time".

I find it easier as well @Conversationalcheddar , you’re not alone. And while it is true that after a long time ir wears off, a lot of that is logistics.

I do sometimes wonder if we’re supposed to do it with one our hunting or something and the other in established matriarchal herds, like elephants or something!

ExDH left when DC were 4 and 5, financially it was a huge struggle, but it was so peaceful! As others have said no compromising or having to cope with the needs of another adult
He wasn’t even a waste of space and did help with cooking, DIY, shopping, laundry etc, but could be moody and his hobbies took up family time, constant watching sport on tv or mates round to watch sport
I loved my own space, being the sole decision maker and the freedom to not always have to bother cooking etc, some nights we would quite happily have a quick pasta dish or soup n crusty bread
He would play Disney dad twice a month which allowed me some free time
Perhaps my glasses are rose tinted as they are both grown up now and we are very close

Depends on the bloke. My ex, life was so much easier anytime he was gone. And when I left him, to live in a flat on benefits life got so much easier.

DH, life is souch harder without him. The kids are calmer when he's here, I'm calmer when he's here. The bloke might annoy me sometimes but he's the peace in this house

Obviously if the OP (or anyone) found herself suddenly a full time solo parent - maybe involving a change in finances or accommodation or childcare options - that might be initially considerably less relaxed than this current instance.

I think that's normal. When dh is away I'm way more organised, and I know there's no back up so I plan accordingly. I'm also 100% on it instead of expecting him to pick up slack. I don't need to communicate. I get more me time etc. but long term it would be awful. I'd be lonely for him, the kids would be lonely, the cracks in my organisation would start to appear. It's easy to go solo when you've an end date.

I feel the same OP. Cleaner house.

I also enjoy going to bed earlier, sleeping better.

The kids seem more independent - instead of shouting out for whatever they want, they organise themselves.

I don’t know whether I organise my own time better or whether DH creates more work.

I find it easier. I just cook What I want whereas my DH will say ‘I don’t fancy that’. We don’t clash over plans, screen time etc. but I will also caveat we are likely to separate soon.. mostly as he spends too much time at his hobby. So im basically solo a lot of the time anyway

I think it's generally quieter with one fewer people. But not necessarily happier. I agree with PP I think you need to work out why you feel like this, when he is around what's causing your daughter to tantrum, why is the house more messy when there is another adult to tidy. It might be something simple like you need to divide and conquer tasks separately rather than both be involved

Parenting in itself is pretty easy.

Its the cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, DIY, working, getting them to school/childcare, thinking about what they need for school, applying for places, vaccination dates etc, then the financial side of paying the bills and the mental side of having to sort out the car insurance, best energy provider etc etc

The list is endless.

If there are 2 of you then these things are halved and so things are easier.

There are still 2 of you, just 1 is away for a few nights.

Maybe this is a reflection of your marriage but tbh I’d be shocked if you didn’t find it easy.

I hate when an OP is going away for a couple of nights and has to get their MIL to stay over to help the DH with his own kids.

It makes me laugh when Kim K says it’s hard because she’s a single parent with 4 kids - she’s a millionaire with a nanny, chef, cleaner, make up artist, personal assistant etc etc

The actual looking after the kids is the easy bit.
Its doing that on top of everything else on top that’s the tricky part.

Wait till they become teenagers...

When our 5 were small, DH worked away in the week - I had to be very organised getting them all to school with a new baby but to be honest, in a lot of ways it's easier when you're the only one in charge! You just make the decisions, no discussions and get on with it! DH is definitely more messy, more disorganised and is a procrastinator so everything takes longer when it's the two of us! He is a great provider and he did muck in with bath and bedtime when he was home but I did often find it easier in the week when you have a schedule and everything runs like clockwork!

In many ways it can be easier, as others have said it's clearer to you and the children what roles and boundaries are etc.

I find that towards the end of a week though I start to feel quite worn out. No breaks, cooking every meal, no adult conversation etc. I also find the day-to-day is easy enough but if anything 'extra' comes up (like car issues, vet appts, broken appliances) it can push things into overwhelming far more quickly than when we're both around.

I’m the one who travels, but although the day to day logistics are a little harder for DH (pick ups and drop offs are tricky with his work) I know he generally manages pretty well and I think would generally agree. I think it’s the freedom of being able to completely organise things and not having input discussions with other parties. I know when DH is out doing sport or other activities I also generally find it easier to just crack on.

I'd add to my above that both DH and I find the same when the other is away. I've also had this conversation with parents of both sexes who have similar experiences.