Friend has cancelled on me last minute

[hungryowl]

Due to go away this weekend from Friday to Monday. Friend has been having rocky patch with husband. She has messaged me today saying she can no longer come as she needs to focus on her family and not have a boozy weekend away. I paid for the whole thing and she was going to cover activities. She has just done me a bank transfer for the full amount so I’m not out of pocket.

We have had many outings before but in the message she specified that at 42 she no longer really fancies boozy weekends and she feels that I haven’t made an effort to reach out at all in recent months and just doesn’t want to go anymore! I think she’s peri menopausal but it should be no excuse cancelling last minute. I wanted a break away from my family as well. I have told her she needs to prepare more for her kids going to uni this month and preparing for empty nest feelings. I don’t like her husband and have been questioning her relationship with him to her whilst they have been arguing and advising heavily to leave him because as she’s getting older she’s now going to pottery and walking groups and spending more and more time with him and I feel like we are losing our connection. I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair but was fine with me before now he seems to think I am a scary influence.

AIBU to just cut her off now?

Dear me, time to move on OP......

A long weekend in a spa maybe , not a long weekend clubbing and getting drunk?

Cut her off? What has she done wrong? I thought this was going to be about how to get your money back but she's paid you. Yes it's unfortunate she's decided she can't go because she's putting her family first. I get that's annoying. My cousin used to constantly flake on me, and she was single, no kids.

What's the issue here?

Dare I say if anything she should be cutting you off.

Someone has an issue and instead of posting about it from their own point of view, they invent this convoluted story from the other person’s point of view, including what they think the other person is feeling. So, in this instance, the OP would actually be the friend who had cancelled, but she’d be pretending to be the friend who’d been cancelled on. It’s supposed to be so they get an unbiased response but, of course, it’s completely pointless because it’s still them writing it! All it does is irritate people.

I don’t think this is a reverse because they’ve normally coughed to it by now. I think the OP genuinely is just a bit of a twat.

I would send her a message to say “Our friendship is over, I wasn’t attacking you, I’ll always love you, if you needs HELP in the future text me, now you need time away from her”
Claiming an attack is not right, she’s made up her mind.

I think it’s pretty clear to everyone but you whose “needs” you are most focused on…

Is there not another friend or family member you could invite to join you last minute?

No

Thank you! She has been incredibly selfish to put me out of a break.

Yes. You make it an attack. That’s what most people on here are getting at.
listen to her.
she doesn’t want to be told what to do by you. She doesn’t want to be criticised by you. She feels attacked. And she is being attacked by you. Please leave her alone now.

It would have been better for the friend to mention that earlier.

she’s always been into boring stuff in my eyes
why are you so keen to spend a weekend with her, then?

but now she’s hit 40 it’s like she’s fully settled into being a complete adult.
err, yes?

To be fair she did suggest spa hotel but I think she needs to let her hair down and party tbh

again, if this is real

you've made yourself arbiter of their marriage situation and decided her husband is controlling because he encouraged her to stop drinking and that you have expressly told her you deign him unworthy of her

You're currently in two minds about going around to her house this afternoon for answers, which would come across as boundary-crossing and aggressive, meanwhile she has apparently told you she feels attacked when communicating with you and feels that you don't hold a safe space for her.

but somehow you don't think you're in the wrong? 😀

more interesting question - who exactly is doing the controlling here??

Interesting. Sounds like you expect her to go along with what you think she should do but don’t really listen to her

sounds like a lot of the criticisms you apply to her husband apply to you as well!

You sound like a greedy and claustrophobic friend, with ideas about marriage and relationships that wouldn’t be conducive to a calm and contented life. She may have changed, you haven’t - neither is wrong. Just go your separate ways with good grace. Your friendship has run its course.

When you post your story as if it's the other party posting. So in this case things like 'I want to go out and be social like we normally are and she’s being extremely boring. Her husband has issues with me because I had an affair' sound so unlike the way people actually speak about their friends, people start to wonder what the situation actually is. It is a reverse, it is a troll etc.
So people wondered if it might be the friend who cancelled posting, knowing that 'AIBU to cancel on my boozy mate' might not get honest answers.

Like I said she used to come out to everything and let her hair down. She would text all day and call weekly. That doesn’t happen after her husband got her to start therapy and she’s become selfish

Gently maybe you need to actually listen to your friend! She doesn’t want to go out clubbing or drinking. She suggested a nice spa hotel but you want to keep living like a teenager. Not everyone’s idea of fun is getting bladdered and chatting up men!!

Or she’s started to stand up for herself and realise what she wants out of life

She wasn’t like that before though. He’s told her people are using her and she’s believing him. He seems to pick some random friends and not pick on others!!

I find people who are drunk and like to drink extremely boring. The bad alcohol breath. The loud volume. The smell on them the day after. It’s really boring to me.

The holiday is irrelevant. She doesn't want to spend time with you.

And I don't blame her.

I’m not sure you are very self aware or reflective

So you didn't listen to her and think you know her needs and wants better than she does herself? I would have cancelled on you, too.

You sound condescending about her. Unbearable.