Husbands money

[bababoy]

Hi
i just wanted some other perspectives on this issue.
Husband has been doing some overtime at work. He has decided that he wants to save this money- although our money is usually shared.
He said he was going to save it in cash and put it away so we didn’t spend it, rather than keeping it in our joint account. I went to where he said he had put the money and it wasn’t there, he had kept it in his wallet. When he got home from work I mentioned to him that I actually needed some extra money and went to use it and it wasn’t there. He apologised and said it was an oversight and said he would put it in the agreed place.

Today I went to grab £40 of the cash (the place I was goi no to only accepted cash and it was for our child) and when he got back from work, he must have counted the cash and made a comment in front of my mum about me owing him £40. He’s since gone to work to do an extra shift and it’s really pissed me off. Our children are hard work- one newborn baby, one disabled child, and it very much feels like it’s ’his’ money, even though it has meant an extra effort from me as I’ve had the children on my own much longer.

Im not sure if I’m just exhausted from lack of sleep from dealing with a newborn as well as normal life. I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment and just generally feel stressed. Last thing I want is an argument but I feel hurt.

When I do overtime, that is my money to spend as I see fit. My contribution to the household bills comes from my regular salary.

You haven't explained properly though, are you on maternity leave just now, do you normally split bills 50/50 etc? Were you raiding his money pile as you couldn't get to a cash machine and it was just handy in the moment?

Why did you take from the stash? You knew he was trying to save it.

What was the money you took used for?

I don’t understand why one person’s overtime is theirs to spend as they want when the ability for them to earn it relies on the other person taking on extra duties caring for their JOINT children. Without that other person’s unpaid labour, you wouldn’t be able to earn that money.

If one person is doing unpaid work so the other can earn money, how that money is managed should be decided through a joint discussion. If saving it is what is agreed to it should be in a joint account that both parties have access to and can see.

"He can only earn the extra money because the OP is looking after their joint children? Maybe he could look after the children then the OP could earn some money and keep it all to herself? Would that be okay…"

I mean if he's going to do overtime to try and save and op is just going to spend it he may as well not bother.

Similarly if he looks after the kids and she does overtime ( assuming she is working at all at the moment) it seems like she'll just spend it and they still have no savings ...

So not sure that would be ok.

But what's the point of him working extra shifts to accrue savings if OP just spends it? If she didn't then he could just not work extra hours and still have the same disposable income.

Women choose to be disadvantaged, there is always a double standard on here women have to accept responsibility for their choices some time

And no i am not a man before anyone throws that cliche

"Well, women are often disadvantaged by being the default child carers so the whole situation is often not ‘fair"

Well women can share their maternity leave with their spouse to avoid this ( since paternity leave is otherwise financially punitive in comparison ) but this is fairly rare, no?

Yes, absolutely.

The "why are you spending HIS money?" comments are a bit jarring.

I can’t quite get over the idea that either of you thinks it’s sensible to keep large-ish amounts of cash which is meant to
be savings around the house - was it under the mattress?

you don't steal money.
seems like he has good reason at this point for hiding money from you.
how tight is your household budget, does that need reviewing? if you need OT to make ends meet then you are both living beyond your means and it's not sustainable so you will both need to discuss the implications of this.

I think your dishonest in taking money he clearly made for you both as you said he told you it was to be saved for you both. You have your usual amount each month like most of us and chose to spend what you didn't have and dip in. I wouldn't do that to my dh or vice versa, if we did we wouldn't have our holidays, cars etc. Our overtime is exactly for the luxuries not the everyday pop out to shop bits which comes from usual wages

100% this. No offense OP but you sound like a nightmare with money, in no time you've been trying to dip into it twice.

Be honest with yourself about what you are like, if I'm right he is also right and it's not about him keeping hold of money and more about you needing to think more about your spending.

Why do
you think it’s ok to keep taking ‘extra’ money without discussing it? Would your husband agree that the things you needed it for were worth going into savings for? I feel sorry for him that you’re making him feel guilty over this.

The 40 was for spending on dc. So this should have come out of the joint budget. So take the 40 out of the next atm and replace the cash.
IF the 40 isn't in the joint budget then you can't afford the activity.
Or you could have text him to say, heads up I need to borrow 40 until I get to an atm.
It sounds like you both have resentments.
When did you last do a sit down, statements open, in depth chat about, earnings, savings, budget and spending money @bababoy ?
Time for a review.

He specifically drew the money out so it wasn’t spent. You instantly still went to grab £40 with no discussion. I’m with your husband here.

he didn’t want to bank it because he knew you will spend it . So he thought he could stash it away, but still let you know where it was , but you still spent some . I’m thinking he thinks you are a spendthrift . You could have gone up the ATM and withdraw the bank money .

DP has an emergency cash box which I have dipped in to on occasion when I have had to use cash rather than card. DP is absolutely fine with this as the understanding is that the money is replaced as soon as I have been able to go to an ATM. However, he trusts me to replace the money (or let him know if for some reason I can't) and certainly wouldn't be checking the box to make sure it's all there. I think you and DH need a serious discussion about your finances OP.

I agree with this.

The very fact that he wants to save this in cash and not in the joint account makes it obvious that he knows you'll spend it if it's in there, and you've proved that by constantly wanting to take from it.

He's got children and he's trying to earn and save money. If a woman was posting about a man behaving in the way that you are he would be called all sorts. Your behaviour is terrible and you need to get your spending under control.

I don’t think he is saying the money isn’t family money, just he wants to put in extra work to build up savings. If the money wasn’t for the savings he wouldn’t do the extra work. I think he’s having to keep it separate because otherwise the OP will just spend it.

There seems to be a thought he that he can’t unilaterally decide to save it, but the alternative is the OP unilaterally decides to spend it. If the money was just going to be spent then he wouldn’t have decided to do the over time

Maybe they don't have enough in joint account? @bababoy Is this it?

OP has a baby AND a disabled child to care for!!! It seems like most posters on this thread hasn't read that.

@TheBlueKoala a baby and disabled child are no reason to steal.

I voted yabu but I actually think you both are. You need to get on the same page about finances and stop trying to circumvent the other through hiding cash/taking savings without discussing and agree a plan you're both happy with that's a fair compromise. You both need to budget and stick to it and have a long term plan for savings. You have children together and it's important to get on the same page.

you did just reach for it like it was normal family money when maybe he was thinking of the work that went into him earning it and the potential for this to be the start of savings BUT that’s dependent on whether the family has savings/ can normally afford things people have to save for and whether you are a sahm. I think women and men who don’t have their own pot in case they break up should work on getting one together. Also if you’re a sahm I’d consider getting back to working outside of the house because you both sound on very different pages

On their child. Which she is looking after. He wouldn't be able to do that extra work without her.