Husbands money

[bababoy]

Hi
i just wanted some other perspectives on this issue.
Husband has been doing some overtime at work. He has decided that he wants to save this money- although our money is usually shared.
He said he was going to save it in cash and put it away so we didn’t spend it, rather than keeping it in our joint account. I went to where he said he had put the money and it wasn’t there, he had kept it in his wallet. When he got home from work I mentioned to him that I actually needed some extra money and went to use it and it wasn’t there. He apologised and said it was an oversight and said he would put it in the agreed place.

Today I went to grab £40 of the cash (the place I was goi no to only accepted cash and it was for our child) and when he got back from work, he must have counted the cash and made a comment in front of my mum about me owing him £40. He’s since gone to work to do an extra shift and it’s really pissed me off. Our children are hard work- one newborn baby, one disabled child, and it very much feels like it’s ’his’ money, even though it has meant an extra effort from me as I’ve had the children on my own much longer.

Im not sure if I’m just exhausted from lack of sleep from dealing with a newborn as well as normal life. I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment and just generally feel stressed. Last thing I want is an argument but I feel hurt.

It's either savings or to be spent, he seems to think it's savings because it's extra to usual icing, you seen to think it's for dipping into. I wouldn't like it if DH was dipping into our savings without discussion and for small day to day things

Congrats on your newborn. Are you on mat leave or a SAHM?

Are all finances shared? Was there not enough h money in the joint account?

If you have you rely on him to give you cash, it sounds like you may be being financially abused.

Well if he hadn’t done the overtime then it wouldn’t have been there for you to take, so you must usually cope without it (assuming that the overtime is a new thing). TBH, if I was trying to save and my partner kept draining it, I’d be a bit pissed off.

I would feel hurt too. I rarely have cash to hand and it’s not easy making a trip to the cash point with two youngsters before going where you need to go. I would be also dipping into it to pay the window cleaner once a month. Maybe I might need a few pounds for milk at the corner shop too. If the cash is there and it’s the easy option it’s going to be dipped into.

Tell him you need some cash available for everyday things etc… so share some of his cash and put the rest away wherever he wants to hide/save it. So then you’re both happy.

To be fair if the mother of my child was looking after my children so I could earn extra money it would be a JOINT decision of how that money was used. Why isn’t there a proper discussion about this money?

He's working extra and trying to save. It seems like he's hiding it with good reason if you just raid it without discussing first.

Are you not proving his point though? It was for saving, not spending. And yet there you are spending it.

I'd be quite annoyed in his shoes.

What would you do if he hadn’t earned extra money @bababoy ?

He can only earn the extra money because the OP is looking after their joint children? Maybe he could look after the children then the OP could earn some money and keep it all to herself? Would that be okay…

He wants to save so that it doesn't get spent. You're taking it from behind his back and spending it! You have very different attitudes to money. He should take half the money and put it somewhere you don't know about!

Its savings. You dont dip into it without both agreeing.

You owe £40 to savings pot.

It's sad he feels he needs to hide his own money to stop you dipping in and spending it.

His own money? What about family money being joint?

Are people missing the point that he is opting out of childcare knowing the OP will pick up the slack, to earn money. This affects the OP? This at the very least is joint money.

What did you need it for ?

This is all a bit odd and I have questions.

Firstly, why is he keeping savings in cash - why isn't it in an account earning a bit of interest?
Why is he counting it daily?
Where would you get cash from normally, rather than dipping into hidden 'savings'?
What's he saving for? Do you already have any money saved? If not, I can see why he wanted to build a buffer for emergencies but you should be part of that conversation & also not be dipping in.
Do you have access to the joint account/ independent funds, and does the joint account have enough to get you through the month normally?

I wouldn’t like you dipping into extra money just like that, but I also would tell my dh like fuck is he keeping extra money he’s earnt by having me spend yet more solo time caring for babies and toddlers. I’d disappear out the next evening and before I left tell him that if the money isn’t shared then I won’t be putting in the extra yards so he can earn it, and he can find a babysitter and pay them for every extra shift he wants to do from now on, or you’ll be claiming back every minute of time with him solo parenting while you destress.

Husbands who insist “their” money isn’t shared with their family are gross.

If you both agree to save it then it should go into a savings account.

The rule on here is mens money is family money womans money is her momey

Is there a reason why he counted it?

On the surface it’s not ok for it not to be family money but is there more going on?

Well, women are often disadvantaged by being the default child carers so the whole situation is often not ‘fair’.

Women frequently manage to earn money WHILST doing the childcare whereas men earn money INSTEAD of doing childcare.

Maybe suggest to him that as you’ve taken care of his children while he was working this extra shift, he owes you for childcare. Babysitter are approx £15/£20 an hour so half that multiplied by the hours he’s out of the house.

Is he hoping to save or perhaps hoping to spend more time out of the house to avoid helping with childcare?

I agree with this.

I often do overtime and it stays in my savings account, doesn’t go into our shared one. There are things I like spend money on after bills are paid and savings in the joint account are transferred across and occasionally I like to be extravagant so will do the overtime to afford it as I don’t expect my partner to pay. If he wants to do overtime for something, either savings or hobby I won’t ask him for that money.

we both provide for our children and each other when needed and also take care of ourselves

It's only savings if mutually agreed.
OP is it usual for him to want to save cash? If not he's either up to something that he doesn't want you to know about, wanting more of his earnings, or he's gone down a conspiracy hole. How money is handled should be a joint decision.

My husband and I would consider it joint money. We also would consider it extra and not just use it on regular day to day expenses. It would go into savings and be used for something particular or for an emergency.

So that he wants to save it doesn’t seem to be a problem. That he is hiding it is odd. Except that you are trying to spend it, which is also odd.