Are my SIL's divorce expectations unrealistic?

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In short, my brother and SIL intend to divorce but she wishes to continue being a SAHM. Their children are 19 (away at uni), 14 and 13.

They separated 4 years ago and were cohabiting until SIL started dating a new man. My brother has quite a well paid job and managed to buy a 4 bed flat in the nearby city. It needed a lot of work but is finished now. He WFH a fair bit so has the kids there when needed. He does at times have to travel overseas for work.

My brother has also recently started seeing someone new. So, brother and SIL have started to discuss selling their marital home (SIL is still living there with the children).

SIL has been a SAHM since the children were born and this had been the source of a lot of friction in the marriage as the children got older. My brother had no problem with SIL not being in paid work, but she is a big spender. I have been at their house many times when numerous boxes of stuff arrived from Amazon. My brother eventually set a budget that SIL was not delighted about. She also has some debt of her own, my brother has paid some of it off.

SIL went back to work 3.5 days a week when they separated. This job suits her perfectly and she can sometimes work from home. However, a few weeks ago she started talking about 'burn out' and has now resigned from the job. She has no intention of finding a new job but is saying that she wants to sell the house, that her share should be 70% because she has the children living with her, and needs to buy a 4 bed house in the town we live in (which is expensive). She wants a sum of money to put into a savings account and she wants her new mortgage to be paid by my brother.

They are amicable (at the moment). My brother told me last night that she is now asking him to go to financial mediation because she thinks he is hiding funds. He has told me that he isn't, and has 2 savings accounts and his pension - which she knows about.

AIBU to feel that I've never really heard anything like this? When my exH and I separated, I immediately upped my hours at work to full time and my children were also teens.

Exactly. Burnout from 3.5 days a week, as a florist, for just a couple of years is laughable. She is just lazy and don't see why she should have to fund anything for herself if ExH & benefits will fund her life for her

this thread is wild. if this is all you think a SAHP does... blimey. Op has said herself that he travels for work... who do you think did all the PARENTING (not childcare) during that time? Have you ever tried to hire reliable, 24/7 childcare for weeks at a time?

And OP, the DC might be teenagers but no, I don't think you can argue that when he's away if the children are with him he can just leave them to sort themselves out and/or to family to help out. Come on. If they were 18 and 20, sure. But they're still at school. exams. Extra curricular. just the general need for adult guidance.

She was probably fine with him buying a new place with joint funds because he continues to pay for the family home while she has a new partner and she wanted him out!

Kids are mid-teens and walk themselves home from school. Her job was around school hours. She quit that job.

Perhaps my brother should quit his job due to 'burn out' so he can have the kids FT?

Most people who are in a job they hate don’t have the luxury to quit because they don’t like it because we all have bills to pay. I’d quit tomorrow if I could afford to but unfortunately I can’t and that’s just life, they both have new partners now so she needs to move on with her life and for her that includes supporting herself because the kids only have a few years before child maintenance stops so she needs a plan ready for when that happens.

She had a 3.5 day a week job that worked around school hours. She took this job when they separated. She has resigned from that job.

Then perhaps he has them Thursday night to Sunday morning one week then Thursday to Monday the next? (and try and make any work travel earlier in the week!)

Is the family home mortgaged?

Then, given his pension is much higher than hers will be, he lets her have all the equity from the sale of the family home that she can then use to buy another 4 bed property outright (is that possible??) but any additional money needs to be raised by a mortgage and she is responsible for her own bills.

Your DB should not be paying her mortgage. She needs to get a job and be more realistic.

She did mention the word 'benefits' to me last week. I did not ask further as I have no idea what kind of benefits she'd get.

I am sorry, reading this just reminded me of that. I promise I had actually forgotten about that so this was not a deliberate drip feed.

OP said she often had the children for these weeks he was away as the SIL couldn't cope.

There are couples who both have very successful careers, without anyone being a SAHP. If OP didn't watch the DC and the SIL did work, then they would only have needed childcare for her working hours, not 24/7

There are many of couples both in work and full time working single parents too who are progressing in their careers. SAHP is a choice that some families make if they would prefer to not use childcare and can afford it. But it isn't essential in order for 1 of them to progress

She sounds like a lazy cow given the ages of her kids. If I was her h I'd be kicking off about her fannying around at home because of 'burn out' after working just 3 days a week and wanting to be an sahm.
If the kids were younger then I would get it.

I'm all for people working and supporting themselves, but why would she not get more of a percentage of the house? He has bought a 4 bedroom flat so why should she be expected to only get half of a house out of the deal to house their children in, who she has the majority of the time.

ALL their assets need pooling and splitting equally or they need to decide on a larger percentage of the house for her to even things out. Her working situation is absolutely nothing to do with dividing their assets.

Financial mediation is a great idea, and you need to stay out of it completely.

There 13&14. I have a 19yr old and a 15yr old. My 15DS is more independent but parenting is harder in many ways, he still requires parenting.

You seem put out about the fact she quit her job. It is a little eye rolly, but none of us know her details.

I think it is separate from the split of assets though - it's my understanding spousal support is less common these days, but her wanting the lions share of the house doesn't sound unreasonable - if he is to keep his 4 bed flat and pension, which is presumably substantial if he's been a high earner for years.

I've never heard of a SAHM when children are teenagers unless there is a disability involved. There must be some kind of job she can do that won't cause burnout.

Sorry a “SAHM” once kids are school age is just a kept women. And clearly there’s no one now to keep her. She will need to get a job and financially support herself, as we mostly all do.

You don’t have to understand she’s your SIL stop judging her in comparison to you yes you worked more she’s made a different choice posting on here makes no difference. You don’t sound like you like her.

If she gets a decent lawyer, she will and should get a higher proportion of the assets (60-70%), to recognise her marital contribution and the constraints that her lower earning potential will place on her ability to get a suitable mortgage (so she can buy a property outright).

But she is unrealistic if she is expecting spousal maintenance.

I do like her.

I always find the comment that the husbands career has benefited from the wife staying at home, whilst correct, slightly amusing.

It's the assumption they both have the same earning potential before DC appeared on the scene. In most cases they don't and it's usually a no brainer who's the SAHP.

In reality SIL will have benefited from a high salary which OP brother earned through the dedication and groundwork he put in at school/university/graduate job long before meeting SIL. But we can pretend SIL would have Harry Pottered herself into a CEO position by now and so should be entitled to 70% of the marital assets.

@GoAdvertFree You seem to be so stuck on the fact that your sister in law quit her job recently - and in your mind that job was perfect to enable her to also look after her children. But it's largely irrelevant.

To a large degree - deciding whats fair in any divorce settlement is not about whats happening now - its about whats happened throughout the marriage. You've said you're brother is well paid - and takes work trips abroad sometimes so its not really that surprising that your sister in law decided to be a SAHM while the children were young. By her doing this she has contributed not only to the upbringing of the children and keeping the house - but also facilitating her husbands career - if she had also had a high flying career - he may not of been able to take those work trips for example. His career has therefore benefitted.

You've stated that your brother is a great Dad - thats good news - but if the children are mainly staying with their Mum (and it's over night stays that count) then she will likely be awarded a higher percentage of the couples total marital assets. How that is divided between pension splits - percentages of the equity in any property (and yes your brothers new flat may potentially be included in this) and agreements of paying off any debts - all this is entirely up for negotiation. There is no such thing as "entitled to" when it comes to divorce settlements. Which is why mediation is a great idea.

Tell your brother that having a mediator will be a good start - and then stay out of it.

Well 25 years ago when my DH divorced his SAHM ex (kids were 11 and 13) even the judge thought her list of expenses were ridiculous. My DH wanted to marry me (we met some months after he moved out of the marital house) so in the end caved and she ended up with a very generous alimony for life (unless she remarried but why would she). The oldest child even lived with us full time and younger went to boarding school! She also got a four bed house debt free.
But I believe times have changed and your SIL will. be expected to get a job, and your brother will support her on a tapering basis.

As a professional married to a professional, hy husband’s career flew when I took a break while the kids were small, and has stagnated slightly now that we both work equally. Having a SAHM there to pick up all the child and home related nuisances allows a man’s career to progress at a rate that very few women with children can match.

And even if the mother didn’t have the potential to be a top earner, they almost certainly would have earnt more staying in the workplace than going back to work after a 15+ year career break.

Well wanting is no crime,but these days expecting to be a SAHM well into teenage is not reasonable.Again expecting more from the house sale is not reasonable as the youngest child only has 5 years to go before being an adult. Both sides have to accept a divorce will cause a drop in lifestyle.
I'm amazed she managed to find a job,20 years outside of employment often means a serious amount of retraining is required.
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Affording childcare for three children is one thing - that would have been super expensive and possibly/probably more than she earned… so she first of all goes back to work for net financial benefit.

Then because they are both working full time - all drops offs pick ups and cooking and cleaning would need to be spilt 50:50. Would he have done this? How would he have done this when abroad with work for a week?Also illness cover when they are inevitably ill. The DH is covering half of this? Then all school holidays? The DH with his high powered job is covering this too? But still somehow this has zero impact on his career and it’s just the same as someone picking up all the slack at home

It’s not, it becomes a bit of a battle over whose job is most important…

I think she'll expect financial mediation to side with her. What she'll learn is that she has had it good and the gravy train is about to end. With a FAIR settlement that recognises her contribution to a long marriage, and her ability to work now that she has no dependent children. A 4 bed property is unrealstic - being able to buy a property outright with the settlement may not be, but she'll have to work for her living expenses and pension - just like the rest of us!