Are my SIL's divorce expectations unrealistic?

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In short, my brother and SIL intend to divorce but she wishes to continue being a SAHM. Their children are 19 (away at uni), 14 and 13.

They separated 4 years ago and were cohabiting until SIL started dating a new man. My brother has quite a well paid job and managed to buy a 4 bed flat in the nearby city. It needed a lot of work but is finished now. He WFH a fair bit so has the kids there when needed. He does at times have to travel overseas for work.

My brother has also recently started seeing someone new. So, brother and SIL have started to discuss selling their marital home (SIL is still living there with the children).

SIL has been a SAHM since the children were born and this had been the source of a lot of friction in the marriage as the children got older. My brother had no problem with SIL not being in paid work, but she is a big spender. I have been at their house many times when numerous boxes of stuff arrived from Amazon. My brother eventually set a budget that SIL was not delighted about. She also has some debt of her own, my brother has paid some of it off.

SIL went back to work 3.5 days a week when they separated. This job suits her perfectly and she can sometimes work from home. However, a few weeks ago she started talking about 'burn out' and has now resigned from the job. She has no intention of finding a new job but is saying that she wants to sell the house, that her share should be 70% because she has the children living with her, and needs to buy a 4 bed house in the town we live in (which is expensive). She wants a sum of money to put into a savings account and she wants her new mortgage to be paid by my brother.

They are amicable (at the moment). My brother told me last night that she is now asking him to go to financial mediation because she thinks he is hiding funds. He has told me that he isn't, and has 2 savings accounts and his pension - which she knows about.

AIBU to feel that I've never really heard anything like this? When my exH and I separated, I immediately upped my hours at work to full time and my children were also teens.

So - in all conversations like this I’d be sceptical about the quality of the information I was hearing, given it’s one-sided.

I think it’s unrealistic to expect to be a SAHM when you are divorced. Even more so when you consider the ages of the children!

She's having a laugh. Where do the teenagers want to live?

I don't know about the detail but a long marriage, where she was the main caregiver, it's perfectly reasonable that she would get a higher chunk of the assets. But exactly what that looks like, I couldn't say.

Any court will expect her to get a job. Your DB will be fine if he holds a line. She can’t divorce, not work and expect him to cover all her costs. It’s not reasonable by any measure.

There’s two sides to every story. Yes she should work, but it also needs to be recognised your brother has benefited hugely from her staying at home all those years and it’s very unlikely she is now able to get the type of job that she would’ve once expected to have at this life stage.

I think the 19 year old will be disregarded anyway, even though at university, as they will be termed an adult. So she will only have two children to house.

🤣🤣🤣 no, she’s delusional. I can see why the marriage had failed if she is always so grabby and unrealistic. Unless there is a big drip feed coming that he earns £3m a year and has never done any parenting

I was 62 when my divorce started and I was told I would be expected to look for a job. Tbh they should have finalised this years ago. If your brother has bought a new place then that may be considered marital property too. What was he thinking!

As PPs have said, there are two sides here. Your brother likely has a decent career because he took a step back from being a parent. He has a 4 bedroom home of his own (that presumably he doesn't want to sell and split with his ex), a decent career and a decent coparenting relationship and with his children. I'm sure he can work this one out without you giving your two pence.

Financial mediation is a great idea as they will be realistic with her and him about expectations.

All you know is what he is telling you.
She wants financial mediation ahead of the finalised financial order, on the face of it that seems reasonable.
Her working hours are largely irrelevant to them splitting their assets fairly.

If this is true she's very entitled. Yet again it depends on your brother's assets. My dh's cousin divorced from his wife when the kids were teens. She was a sahm and her job prospects were dire. Since cousin is wealthy he gave her their house and paid for children plus gave her alimony until the children were adults. This seemed fair because he was often oversees on jobs and she was the main caregiver and sacrified her own career for his.

Have a look at TheLegalQueen on instagram, she deals with family law and divorce. Your brother and SIL will need to get a financial settlement order/clean break order as part of the divorce to sever financial ties - that’s when the marital assets would be divided.

My DHs ex tried this.

She got absolutely roasted by the judge in court for being lazy and unrealistic. The judge said millions of women up and down the UK work and are mothers, you are no different. She tried to argue as a SAHM she couldn't get a job and the judge said well you need to get on with finding work because you've got many years ahead of supporting yourself.

She got an absolute dressing down for thinking it was a realistic option that her ex pay her spousal maintenance for life. She wanted to live off SM and benefits and effectively never work again. Apparently her solicitor was embarrassed and went red too.

The judge was a woman.

Tell your brother to get some legal advice and go through solicitors. He needs to stand firm and cut the cord.

Funnily enough the ex did find work after that.

Courts don't like this nowadays. They prefer clean breaks.

All assets just need to be split equally - that’s what being married gets you. If after the split she doesn’t have enough for a big enough house or living costs then due to the age of the kids then she will need to get a job.

Doesn’t matter if people think she’s been lazy and grabby. He would have been more successful in his career due to the sacrifices she made. Now she can probably only get a minimum wage job. So the ruling just needs to be fair. Financial mediation is probably a good idea

No, absolutely no drip feed. Brother has always taken all 3 to the evening sports, Scouts and dance clubs they attended over the years. I often used to go with them, and sometimes when my brother was overseas, SIL would ask me to take them (which I did as we love spending time with them. My own children are similar age).

I really like my SIL but intend to keep my distance for a while as I do not believe she shows her children what a good work ethic is. I was a SAHM too, until my youngest started school so it is not about that at all. I feel she should not have left this job.

She’s still entitled to 50% of the marital assets whether she’s working or not.

On the face of it her demands do sound unrealistic. The starting point of negotiation for divorce is 50%... That's 50% of all assets incl pensions, the house any cars etc PLUS any debts..... so if she has run up shopping debts its likely that they would have to be paid by any joint assets.

If your brother is a very high earner it may be agreed that spousal maintenance is due - but I think that's pretty rare - especially when all the kids are old enough that both parties can go out and work.

If she is housing the kids for the majority of the time it is reasonable for her to ask for a larger share of the assets plus some child maintenance. Also - if the STBXW also gave up her career to look after the kids - that should be taken into account too. At their ages - the children should be asked their preferences of where to live. If the kids are splitting their time equally 50/50 with both parents then no child maintenance is generally due.

Yes, I have said to her that this is how I understand things but she is insistent that she's entitled to more.

Why are you saying anything to her about her divorce?

It's between her and her husband and should firmly stay that way.

She may well be entitled to more - 50% is the starting point and it goes up or down from there for each party dependent of need, living costs, children etc. as Simone else has said, it’s 50% of all marital assets inc pensions and debts.

She probably will get more than 50% as although she can now go to work. She won’t have built up a pension and hasn’t had the chance to build up a career. Shes more likely to get 60/70%.

Don’t forget his new flat will be included and his pension, stocks, shares and investments as well as her debts to be shared and whatever tiny pension she built up from the latest work.

She’s not. She may get child maintenance from your brother if she earns less than him, but the assets will be split equally, and she’ll need to get a job.

I know, like I said, I intend to stay away now as it's becoming tense between them and I don't want to discuss it with her anymore.