To really not understand why some people stay in relationships full of arguments and unhappiness. If you do, why?!

[Stressedout68]

I’m not talking the odd rough patch, I’m talking about a relationship where you’re constantly arguing and clearly unhappy.

My close friend has a fiancé that she clearly isn’t happy with. They do share a child which I know makes it harder but… She moans about him constantly, he is emotionally abusive, they argue all the time, break up almost weekly, he will push her buttons and the next day they’ll be back together acting happy families. This has been going on now for over 3 years. I just can’t understand it. They tell each other they don’t love each other then they’ll claim they love each other.

Yes, hello misogyny.

This was almost exactly my experience growing up. For my mother, I think it was about the perceived status of being married and the stigma there would have been in being divorced.

I did it. It was horrendous. For me it was because I felt a failure if I didn’t make it work. He made me feel it was me that was making it not work and forever moving the goal posts, to the point that when I lost my parents I thought well at least this will work now with us because they are gone. Only to have them brought up in the most random arguments still. Self esteem gets put through the floor, how many times I was made out to be an awful mother, useless, waste of space etc. Most people end up quite isolated too. The arguments are often one person desperate to prove what they meant or explain themselves enough.
Im a single mum, living in a council house and topped up by benefits, the world will judge me without knowing why or how I ended up here. A lot of it also starts from how people were treated as children and that then determines what level of fuckery they blindly accept in adulthood. Many reason really.

Sometimes you don’t realise how bad it is until you’re away from it, as while you’re in it, it becomes the norm. Also inertia, finding the impetus to change when you’re worn down, not only from the relationship, but from external pressures such as work etc.

I had the financial means, I was the breadwinner and the house was mine, but then I felt sorry for him as he would have struggled if I chucked him out. Too soft!

In the end he did leave and it’s been revelatory the level of liberation I feel.

I know a couple like this, they are constantly arguing, breaking up temporarily, then they get back together and it’s all ‘he’s changed and it’s going to be different from now on’ and then it happens all over again. I think it’s the idea or hope that he can be fixed that keeps her in the relationship but not everyone is fixable and at what point do you call it a day? Personally I could not live with that level of stress and drama in my life but I guess we are all different.

fear of the unknown
mistaking drama for 'passion'
cash
low self esteem
abuse
etc

lots of reasons

Asking people in the midst of it isn’t going to get you insightful answers OP, as insight and perspective is often exactly what’s lacking / impossible to access.

Fear. I think that some stay with their abuser because they know that he will make their lives so very dreadful if they try to get away.

Legacy friend married someone she had no respect or love for because he was an easy target for manipulation ie thick as shit. She wore him down by pretending to be interested in the things that he was (kept that up for years). Coerced him into a big wedding. All she wanted was his corner plot bungalow to build extensions on. They’re the most incompatible unhappy couple (not really a couple) I know. Still, she’d been divorced before and couldn’t lose face. Or the house.

In the case of my parents,she wants the control,to get away with crap that another man wouldn't put up with and for the status of being a 'mrs'

He stayed because he's a weak man who is afraid to be without her,he likes to be looked after and can't bear to lose what he worked for financially

They hate each other and 'only stayed together for the kids'

Which of course turned into 'if I hadn't given birth to you,I'd have left the other parent and had a happy life' (aimed at me regularly as the eldest child and scapegoat) or 'I wanted a divorce but itsallaboutmememee begged me to stay and i couldnt do it to her' (utter bollocks,I was happy they'd split and be happy on their own)

They should never have met,let alone get married nor had us kids (which led to 7 grandchildren and a great grandchild)

56 years of pure hate towards each other-they can't be together but can't live without each other-I honestly cannot remember a time where they loved each other

They are totally emeshed with each other and will drag anyone they see as an obstacle down with them

I'm glad I'm nc

This sounds like my upbringing too. Growing up in that house was horrible. My parents, very elderly now, are still at it. They've been married for 67 years and still appear to hate each other, but are completely codependent. It's awful.

You say he is emotionally abusive. It's honestly so hard to leave an abuser. They wear you down. Make you feel like you can't cope without them.

I don't know, but I have known at least two married couples who were like this.

In the first couple the wife was a friend of my mother's and also did cleaning for us when I was growing up. I knew her quite well and their children were about the same age as me and my sister. They argued constantly but never seemed to split up. Sparring partners who could live neither with nor without each other. Loved to hate each other too, and I don't doubt that finances probably paid some part.

We concluded that they actually loved to hate each other, and indeed that seemed to be confirmed some years ago when the wife died. My parents went to the funeral and the husband was in absolute bits. He didn't know what to do with himself.

The second couple were in a very abusive relationship and did divorce for a couple of years, before remarrying again (to each other) and then staying together until her death (natural causes). They too seemed to thrive on hating each other. Finances probably a factor there too. None of the rest of us really understood their dynamic.

In each case there were three children involved which is always a complicating factor.