To really not understand why some people stay in relationships full of arguments and unhappiness. If you do, why?!

[Stressedout68]

I’m not talking the odd rough patch, I’m talking about a relationship where you’re constantly arguing and clearly unhappy.

My close friend has a fiancé that she clearly isn’t happy with. They do share a child which I know makes it harder but… She moans about him constantly, he is emotionally abusive, they argue all the time, break up almost weekly, he will push her buttons and the next day they’ll be back together acting happy families. This has been going on now for over 3 years. I just can’t understand it. They tell each other they don’t love each other then they’ll claim they love each other.

Money. Lifestyle. Loving the drama. Low expectations. Poor self esteem. Fear of change.

Yeah I'd say money too.

Also, sometimes it's what you are comfortable with because you were raised that way so think it's normal.

All of these are definitely possibilities. I just can’t imagine putting up with being unhappy with a man every day

I stayed out of fear I’d be alone and because I feared the time I’d already wasted on the relationship. I left and relished being alone now my standards are sky high and DH (who had similar wasted years) and I both know our worth and strive everyday to be the best husband and wife we can be.

The stigma there seems to be for some people about being single. Feeling somehow not being in a relationship is a form of failure.

No idea.
Not me but my parents.
The consequences for children bought up in that environment is fucking horrendous.
I was perpetually embarrassed, ashamed and on edge.
They did it anywhere, didn’t care who heard or that we kids were in the midst of it day and night. It was constant.
They hated each other and we were neglected because they were too busy hating each other.
Constantly angry which meant we got the brunt of it.
They were never not angry.
Madness that they stuck it out for 20 odd years.

I'm willing to guess that your friend cant support herself and her son without her partners money? So there's your answer.

Another pp said about loving the drama. My mum certainly did - a victim of domestic abuse who absolutely loved all the attention and support she got.

You could imagine it if your income alone wouldn't pay all bills, rent/mortgage, car/travel, etc surely?

Surely you understand everyone is individual and although you couldn't or wouldn't put up with it not everyone will feel/think/behave like you...

I was pondering this last night. A couple in their late 50s walked past my house last night arguing. "I don't know why you bother coming out on walks you always make it a fucking argument" she was yelling and he was yelling back "I'm not arguing you're the one that's arguing you stupid fucking cow"... and I was a bit WTF? Their whole body language, the way he walked about 10 steps in front of her - they clearly don't like each other much, tone was awful. Life is too short for that.

Sometimes it’s better the devil you know. Sometimes a chaotic childhood or witnessing the same dynamics in your parents relationship sets the standard for your own relationships.

There is a cost of living crisis, people are barely making ends meet with two incomes. Women are often the lower earners or stay at home mums, how are they supposed to buy a house and manage all of the bills? Rentals are extortionate if you can even get one.

I left before the COL crisis hit, it if I had to made the same decision today I don’t think I could afford to leave.

'Loving the drama' is an awful thing to say, akin to 'she asked for it'

I think it’s probably one of them can’t cope with the demands of everyday life (work, kid, house etc..) and takes it out on the other. Then it escalates. Doesn’t mean they don’t love it each other. Probably just need a trip to the doctor for some pills.

Some are co-dependent. The couldn't, or think they couldn't, survive without the other person.
I think sometimes it's also the only way they know how to relate to people so if they left, they'd probably find a relationship with similar dynamics.
I was raised in such an environment. It's horrendous. Worst of all they congratulate themselves on staying together because coming from a broken home damages the children

DH and I had rough years and this was one big reason to stay. We couldn't afford separate lives unless we'd had 2 small flats for 3 children to move between. That, and the constant hope it would improve. It did, on and off but more off. Now the kids are teenagers we are much better. I regret many things about my behaviour, and I'm aware it was really bad modelling for my DC, but I don't regret staying together. I also think the one good thing is it taught them not to run away as soon as a relationship goes through difficult times. Hopefully they will sort things out quicker than DH or I did though.

Not even unhappy relationships full of arguments, I can’t imagine staying in a relationship where we were just housemates and not partners in any romantic/sexual sense, but there seem to be plenty of them about.

I think money is the biggest reason. Some women give up work or go part time when they have children so they don’t have enough to support their DC alone. They also might be with a high earner and have a certain lifestyle as a result which they don’t want their DC to lose. I also had a friend who stayed with her DH way past his use by date (he was abusive) purely because she didn’t want the stigma of being a single mum. She did thankfully leave in the end after his smashed her windscreen when she was in the car with DC…

Not really believing things can be better - or knowing how to operate in a good relationship - because they’ve grown up with a model of negative, shitty behaviour, think that’s just what life is like and don’t know how to relate to people differently.

Leaving is not that easy if you have a child. Will he kick off and harm you or your child? Will he want 50/50 and you lose out on half of your child’s life?
Will he want EOW but you know you’d be worried sick during his weekends because his parenting is not safe?
Would you ever be able to forgive yourself if your child came to harm under his care when you knew that this might happen?
Will your child ask you every evening ‘I miss daddy, when will he be coming home?’ and would you know what to say?

It’s tough financially out there now-rent, mortgages and bills are expensive, many couples struggle to run a household with both working, so for them to attempt to do so alone is inconceivable. Many women have kids, give up work or go part time and don’t get married, so have very little financial security. You see it all he time on here-women who have given up work, had children with someone, not married, name not on the mortgage and then he wants to break up and she want to stay in the house, but asks if she can make him leave and pay all the bills.

Celebrities often appear to flit through relationships-that’s probably because they can afford to just leave and support themselves

Because lifes not that simple
And financial reasons will play a big part .

I couldn't imagine living separately from my kids even just for part of the week, it eould kill me not to see them every day..... things would have to be very very bad for me to leave

I agree

I stayed for 20 years because I had small children and nowhere to go. I got out as soon as I possibly could.

I tjink this pretty much sums it up.