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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this normal or heavy handed?

66 replies

Doriubarne · 03/09/2026 22:11

DD started Y7 today, mostly excited but with some nerves. There were a few things she told me that seemed a bit heavy handed of school, but maybe they were just setting expectations. I don’t know what’s normal in schools. For instance, there was an assembly for the year. There was a bit of murmuring from some pupils already seated, whilst the rest of the classes were filing in. Whilst there were still some pupils filing in, the HOY pointed a girl who’d been murmuring out and asked her to stand up for the entire assembly. No warning. There are about 250 pupils in the year. AIBU to think this was heavy handed and should I expect dunce hats to be rolled out in classes soon?

OP posts:
stelladoug98 · 02/10/2026 11:36

Doriubarne · 04/09/2026 01:02

A few clarifications in no particular order:
It wasn’t my DD.
I’m asking as I don’t know what is normal in schools.
I have no idea what this other kid is like.
I wasn’t there obviously, but can’t see why DD would make it up.
I’m not intending to do anything about it!

Rightly or wrongly, I think it’s an 11 year old kid on their first day of secondary school being made an example of in an overly heavy manner, by someone who thought that was the best use of their power. I think if absolute silence was expected before the assembly whilst pupils were filing in, just say that and then respond if it’s disobeyed. DD said she just felt really sorry for this girl and also the person behind the girl who had their view blocked. She also said that nobody including this girl was talking loudly.

I’ve been looking through the consequence booklet and levels. Do all schools have these booklets now? It’s a learning curve. A C3 would be a general racist slur or causing distress to another student or being in the vicinity of vapers, a C4 would be poor conduct in or failure to attend c4 detention, a C5 would be unacceptable uniform that cannot be corrected or dying hair an unnatural colour or refusing to remove jewellery. It’s interesting as I’d actually put some of the C3s higher.

Being made to stand up and blocking the view of the student sitting behind her is only going to create another distraction. It doesn't achieve anything.

stelladoug98 · 02/10/2026 11:38

Doriubarne · 04/09/2026 16:01

Quite.

My DD is a compliant child. She likes school. I was supportive of her last school and want to be supportive of this one. I know schools have changed since I went. I want her to continue to enjoy school. All these things can be true without some blind trust in all teachers and all schools.

The problem for compliant children and the people pleasers is that they don’t stop being compliant when they see regular disproportionate responses or abuses of power, especially when they don’t know what the rules are, they just start enjoying school less and become worried about making a mistake - neither are conducive to their learning.

Incidentally, in my daughter’s primary school, they walk in quietly and can talk in hushed tones when sat down before assembly starts. This mirrors her experience of real life situations where you might talk quietly before the “event” but not during it e.g. theatre or cinema. She was trying to see who was walking in, if she recognised anyone. It could easily have been her if she’d chosen to talk unaware it wasn’t allowed. There are ways to initially tell children rules e.g. reception children are told to raise their hands before asking a question, children who have been used to just taking their cardigan off if they’re hot need to be told they have to ask permission to take their blazer off in some schools.

It wasn’t my child. However, the point was to relay a message. The message I’ve received is I’m glad my child wasn’t on the receiving end of that behaviour, I hope she’s not on it today and I hope it’s not the norm. The children were told they’d go easier on them for the first week whilst they found their feet. The mixed messaging and the timing is disarming.

Show quote history

Oh, I got mixed up between your DD and the girl who was made to stand. I thought you meant it was your DD because I sent you a PM.

Original poster
Doriubarne · 02/10/2026 11:49

@stelladoug98I’m sorry to hear this. It wasn’t my DD. I hate the thought of this teacher having any influence over my DD’s school life.

OP posts:
strugglingwithlife · 02/10/2026 11:49

My daughter will definitely NOT be going to secondary school. They're like prisons.

Original poster
Doriubarne · 02/10/2026 12:02

@stelladoug98how do I see DMs (phone app)?

OP posts:
stelladoug98 · 02/10/2026 12:04

Doriubarne · 02/10/2026 12:02

@stelladoug98how do I see DMs (phone app)?

click on your profile and go to Private Messages

MrsBatshitRatshit · 02/10/2026 12:41

It makes sense to set expectations early on.

luckylavender · 02/10/2026 12:44

MissCooCooMcgoo · 03/09/2026 22:18

I hate that kids are treated like tiny prisoners in schools these days. I know there has to be crowd control but shame is not the way to do it.

This is absolute rubbish. Schools had far better discipline in years before and that's largely due to parents interference and lack of support for teachers in my opinion.

TwinklyAmberSloth · 02/10/2026 12:52

MissCooCooMcgoo · 03/09/2026 22:18

I hate that kids are treated like tiny prisoners in schools these days. I know there has to be crowd control but shame is not the way to do it.

And I hate the way that lot's of parents don't bother to discipline their children and teach them about respect, so when they're asked not to do something, they don't do it, and if they choose to break the rules there will be a consequence.

It was the same in the 1980s/1990s when I was at school.

@Doriubarne the girl was doing something she was asked not to do so was made to stand up. It's a very effective message to others who will hopefully now choose not to talk.

I have a Y8 tutor group and all 240 Y8s sit in silence in assembly because that's what needs to happen with so many people in one room.

Original poster
Doriubarne · 02/10/2026 21:57

@TwinklyAmberSlothshe may have been told, DD certainly wasn’t. My DD is respectful, thankfully, as the HOY isn’t exactly able to demonstrate that.

OP posts:
turniplegs · 02/10/2026 22:13

If this approach means your DD will get a good, uninterrupted (as much as possible) education, relatively free of consistent bad behaviour that disrupts her learning, it'll work out well for her. Even if she had to be a sacrifical lamb in the process!

It would hurt me too, if it was my own DD, massively. But I'd be glad that the school addresses behaviour seriously, from the start. That should translate into her lessons. And that's a good thing.

stelladoug98 · 03/10/2026 11:50

Doriubarne · 10/09/2026 16:52

There have been more examples this week. There is no warning and then humiliation in front of others. It seems to happen when there is a big group with more than one teacher present. Is there a subtext where teachers in this school think this is rewarded and enabled? Has anyone worked in a school where this is perceived as positive?

What other examples of the humiliation without warning have you heard?

hopspot · 03/10/2026 11:57

Secondary school children shouldn’t need warnings not to speak in assemblies. They had many years of this at primary school. The point of an assembly is to ensure everyone can hear the speaker. What do you suggest these do instead? I can assure you that shushing and gentle requests to stop talking don’t work for all children.

stelladoug98 · 03/10/2026 12:09

hopspot · 03/10/2026 11:57

Secondary school children shouldn’t need warnings not to speak in assemblies. They had many years of this at primary school. The point of an assembly is to ensure everyone can hear the speaker. What do you suggest these do instead? I can assure you that shushing and gentle requests to stop talking don’t work for all children.

During my time at secondary school, I remember witnessing students being made to stand up for the entire assembly for some of the pettiest reasons, like wearing / forgetting to take their jacket off, not sitting still, stretching, yawning, sitting next to someone who was talking because they assumed they were part of it.

hopspot · 03/10/2026 13:00

That may be the case. I was commenting on children talking.

Original poster
Doriubarne · 03/10/2026 15:52

hopspot · 03/10/2026 13:00

That may be the case. I was commenting on children talking.

I can’t filter comments by poster as I’m on the free version of the app. In the free version of the app, people can filter by OP’s posts to lower the chances of mistakenly inventing things that didn’t happen. Try it.

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