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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end a friendship with a friend because I morally disagree with what she is doing

51 replies

goingslowlymad · 28/06/2008 21:07

I have a friend, my only friend really who I have known for around 10 years. We see each other a few times a week and text daily. She knows everything about me and me her.

Today she surprised me though. We were driving somewhere and she mentioned that she is going out for a drink tonight with someone from a dating site. 'Great' says I. We go through the usual chit-chat of his name, what he does etc. and she mentions that she has met him before. 'Oh' says I. 'You never mentioned it'. She just laughed it off but I thought it was a bit odd and thought nothing more of it.

Once we were back at her house, the subject of man from dating site cropped up again, when I discovered why she hadn't told me about him before. Apparently he is married. She knows my view of people who have affairs whilst married, and my views of the women who have sex with another woman's husband. She says the man's wife knows all about what he does, and she doesn't mind because she doesn't like sex. 'Yeah right' says me. The man is open about the fact that he is married and only looking for sex.

My friend maintains she is doing nothing wrong, and in her words a little of what you fancy does you good. I have told her I think she is mad and it's morally wrong. I even told her that I hope she isn't cited in a divorce in a few months time. I don't think I can get past what she is doing. I know she is a grown woman and is able to make her own choices, but I am imagining that man's wife and children at home.

What makes it worse is that she recently ended a relationship with a man because he was married and cheating with several other women.

So, am I being ridiculous to consider seperating myself from our close friendship, or should I let her know how I feel (already done) and avoid the subject?

OP posts:
peggotty · 28/06/2008 21:12

It's a difficult one - perhaps you could just reiterate to her that you strongly disagree with what she is doing and then ask her not to mention him again? Do you really want to lose a good friendship over it?

CasperGhost · 28/06/2008 21:12

I wouldn't talk about it with her to be honest as you will be damned if you do and damned if you dont, I would just slowly distance your self.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 28/06/2008 21:14

Take a huge step back, and be there to pick up the pieces.

Hecate · 28/06/2008 21:15

To thine own self be true. If you feel so very very strongly about something, you must do what is right for you. If her actions will change the way you feel about her, even if you try to avoid the subject it will be the elephant in the room and the friendship is doomed!

However - it may be that this man and his wife are swingers or have an open marriage or something. You don't know that he is not doing what he is doing with the full consent and approval of his wife. (I know it's not the most likely option, but still...)

Bottom line - your friend doesn't need your approval. It's her life. You can only make choices for you. Do what you feel best.

amazonianadventure · 28/06/2008 21:15

hiya,

i sympatise with you totally,ive recently lost my bf as she was the one who was married and is seeing someone else behind he husbands back,she aslo blamed me on an occasion where she was nearly caught out and her husband called me every name under the son.

I dont agree with it at all and ive said to her and she just shrugs it off.

I feel so sorry for her husband who is a lovely guy but she doesnt really care

tbh i think you would be better off without her.

its a hard one but think of yourself first.

sunnytimes · 28/06/2008 21:17

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 28/06/2008 21:17

I'd ask her not to discuss him or her relationship with him with me because I don't approve.

pooter · 28/06/2008 21:18

oh, this happened to me - my best friend from when we were little started seeing a married man who had a 6mo child. i was engaged and pregnant at the time, and found it impossible to feel the same way about her.

two years later she is now living with him, pregnant and engaged, and although i am pleased she is happy, i dont think i will ever be able to feel as close to her as i once did. she doesnt seem able to feel compassion for the first wife though, but perhaps this will change once she has her baby and feels vulnerable. I dont know. Its so sad.

I think if i were you i would say to her - 'how can this end happily?' and ask her to put herself in the wifes shoes, all very calmly. Dont stop being friends though - but unfortunately the nature of your friendship will probably change for good.

Madlentileater · 28/06/2008 21:21

is she mad?
how many times have you heard 'oh my wife doesn't mind'? ask your friend if she really believes him. If it is true, would that change how you feel?

Original poster
goingslowlymad · 28/06/2008 21:21

Thanks everyone. I feel really sad that I have seen this side to her because I'd never have thought it of her. She is usually so level-headed and sensible.

OP posts:
Original poster
goingslowlymad · 28/06/2008 21:24

Mle I'd still be surprised at her but if the wife knew although I'd still think she was mad I wouldn't feel sad about it. I just wish she'd met a normal, regular man. She has a habit of picking 'bad boys'.

OP posts:
Madlentileater · 28/06/2008 21:40

so, if she really, really believes him, she is perhaps no more than misguided, and you will just feel sorry for her?, so, with regard to your original question, maybe you need to decide how sincere and/or reasonable is her belief that the wife 'doesn't mind'. I think I would ask her what she would say if a friend came to her with the same story. If wife really doesn't mind, he won't mind her having a chat with her to confirm that, will he?
(hope you can follow the pronouns!)

Elasticwoman · 28/06/2008 22:08

I once ended a friendship with some one who acted in a way I just couldn't sympathise with, and rather than criticise her to her face, or listen to her go on about it without giving my real opinion, I just backed off. But I wasn't very close friends with her in the first place.

bonio · 28/06/2008 22:12

Don't think you should end the friendship if she is a true friend.

you don't have to approve of her actions to be her friend.

Isn't that what real friendship is about ?

onebatmother · 28/06/2008 22:15

I'm in a similar sitch but v different issue. I've said I disapprove and let\s not talk about it any more. But there is a huge elephant in the room at the mo.

Elasticwoman · 28/06/2008 22:18

But onebatmother, it could be that she stops doing whatever it is you disapprove of. Won't the elephant slip out of the room while you're not looking?

ilovemydog · 28/06/2008 22:22

Agree with Bree - be there to pick up the pieces and never ever say, 'I told you so...'

Of course his wife doesn't know - wonder if he's used the line, 'my wife doesn't understand me...' jerk.

onebatmother · 28/06/2008 22:23

erm. this is beginning to sound like Horton Hears A Hoo.

It;'s her job that's the problem so it's v unlikely to slip out of the room. I really don't know what to do. It's quite painful and probably irrelevant.

bonio · 28/06/2008 22:23

I have done some totally stupid stuff in the past.

My real friends stood by me, effectively turned a blind eye, and we have never discussed it but we all know I was acting like an arse back then.

It was a mark of our strong frindship that I let them know about my asre behavious as it happened.

Don't disown your friend

Quattrocento · 28/06/2008 22:28

Oh I split with a friend over this sort of issue. It's strange because I never split with friends and I try to follow the precept of "judge not lest ye be judged".

My friend was married (but childless) and her husband ran off with someone in procurement. She was full of hurt and anger and told me frequently about how the other party was guilty of adultery too.

Time passed. She started a relationship with a married man with children. I wondered if she realised she was now guilty of adultery too. The marriage was dead you understand.

He left his wife and moved in with her. His children were a bit tiresome so she came up with a Cunning Plan of finding a job at the other end of the country forcing them both to relocate and save them all the bother of actually seeing the children.

I went off her massively. It's christmas cards only now.

Elasticwoman · 28/06/2008 22:33

I sympathise with you Quattro; it is very hard not to judge esp when you know you don't have to be bosom pals with every one. Friendships wax and wane throughout life for all sorts of reasons, apathy included.

I went off a hairdresser for a similar reason. Could not tell her how selfishly she was acting in case she cut my ear off, so I just used another hairdresser.

SoupDragon · 28/06/2008 22:35

I would end the friendship.

"She says the man's wife knows all about what he does, and she doesn't mind because she doesn't like sex. "

What a load of utter b*llocks. Unless, of course, she heard it from the wife. No, thought not.

ilovemydog · 28/06/2008 22:36

Ouch Elastic Woman - doesn't your (ex) hairdresser know that you are the one who is supposed to offload to them?

SlartyBartFast · 28/06/2008 22:37

i think you should stand by her, be there when shit hits the fan ,, when she is lonely etc., she isnot the first or only one to do this.

expatinscotland · 28/06/2008 22:38

'She says the man's wife knows all about what he does, and she doesn't mind because she doesn't like sex.'

Yeah, that one made me chortle because the OP's pal is obviously incredibly stoopid to fall for that old line.