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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end a friendship with a friend because I morally disagree with what she is doing

51 replies

goingslowlymad · 28/06/2008 21:07

I have a friend, my only friend really who I have known for around 10 years. We see each other a few times a week and text daily. She knows everything about me and me her.

Today she surprised me though. We were driving somewhere and she mentioned that she is going out for a drink tonight with someone from a dating site. 'Great' says I. We go through the usual chit-chat of his name, what he does etc. and she mentions that she has met him before. 'Oh' says I. 'You never mentioned it'. She just laughed it off but I thought it was a bit odd and thought nothing more of it.

Once we were back at her house, the subject of man from dating site cropped up again, when I discovered why she hadn't told me about him before. Apparently he is married. She knows my view of people who have affairs whilst married, and my views of the women who have sex with another woman's husband. She says the man's wife knows all about what he does, and she doesn't mind because she doesn't like sex. 'Yeah right' says me. The man is open about the fact that he is married and only looking for sex.

My friend maintains she is doing nothing wrong, and in her words a little of what you fancy does you good. I have told her I think she is mad and it's morally wrong. I even told her that I hope she isn't cited in a divorce in a few months time. I don't think I can get past what she is doing. I know she is a grown woman and is able to make her own choices, but I am imagining that man's wife and children at home.

What makes it worse is that she recently ended a relationship with a man because he was married and cheating with several other women.

So, am I being ridiculous to consider seperating myself from our close friendship, or should I let her know how I feel (already done) and avoid the subject?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/06/2008 22:38

'She says the man's wife knows all about what he does, and she doesn't mind because she doesn't like sex.'

Yeah, that one made me chortle because the OP's pal is obviously incredibly stoopid to fall for that old line.

weeonion · 28/06/2008 22:41

GSM - i had a tricky situation a few years back. my dearest friend started an affair with a bloke from her work, his wife was 6mths pg and they had 3 other kids. she told me all about and was shocked that i didnt approve. i am normally pretty chilled about thigs but this was one thing i couldnt sit and chat about over a bottle a wine. she went on with the affair and we agreed not to talk about it. of course it all ended up pretty stinking - his wife found them together in the marital bed. my bf really needed me then but felt she couldnt tell me. years later she has told me how awful she felt- even more so cause she couldnt tell me what was going on.

tricky one - there are plenty of things other friends do that i dodnt necessarily agree with but this is one area too too sensitive for me to condone and go along with.

the idea of being there for her is a god one - 10 years is a long time and whilst your friendship may change - do yu really want to lose a good friend?

bonio · 28/06/2008 22:41

She is a good friend or she isn't?

You are not being asked to conceal a murder

Elasticwoman · 28/06/2008 22:42

I wouldn't like sex with such a dickhead, and I normally do like sex ....

nappyaddict · 28/06/2008 22:45

i would suggest she ask this man if he can prove to her his wife doesn't mind.

Elasticwoman · 28/06/2008 22:48

Actually, I've just thought I'm still friends with some one who actually bought an engagement ring for his floozy while he was still married and living with his wife who had saved his life several decades previously.

I'm not still friends with the floozy - although I knew her first.

nkf · 28/06/2008 22:51

I wouldn't drop someone I'd known for 10 years, who was my only friend, because she had an affair with a married man. But it's your choice.

kazbeth · 29/06/2008 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeaver · 29/06/2008 10:50

Ok, let me tell you a bit of my experience. When I was very young (19) I had a relationship with a - shall we say? - unsuitable person. I kept it quiet for a little while because deep down I knew my bf would disapprove. I'll never forget the look on her face when she found out, but it didn't stop me.

Of course it was an unmitigated disaster and a horrible mess at the end. I'm so glad that, in the end, I was the only one who got hurt. And I can't tell you how grateful I was that my bf was there for me when it did go tits up.

Your friend's an idiot (and he is beneath contempt). She will need a friend soon enough, though. If that friend's not going to be you, then that's your choice. If it is going to be you then all you can do is tell her you don't approve and wait for her to come out the other end, hopefully with not too many casualties.

piratecat · 29/06/2008 10:53

agree with breevandercamp.

Alambil · 29/06/2008 10:53

My bf's (well I'm friends with both of them!) wife hasn't wanted sex for a couple years due to medication - she told me I had her permission to "help" him out occasionally!

I wouldn't - he's married and it's still adultery... but some women really don't mind.

HOWEVER, I don't believe this fella's wife is ok with it - unless she's heard it from the horse's mouth so to speak

Friendships do change but 10 years of daily contact is a very, very long time. Do you really want to give all that up? I don't think I would.

You can still like the person, but not what she's doing (a bit like kids really!) so could just ask her to pretend he's non-existant with you?

ChukkyPig · 29/06/2008 10:53

Your friend is a loon. If she's after no strings sex, I'm sure there are plenty of single men who would be more than happy to oblige.

If the reason she is seeing this man is because she specifically likes him, she is setting her up for massive hurt down the line.

Maybe point this out to her. If she insists on continuing to see this bloke tell her you are extremely dubious that his wife really knows, and you don't want to hear about it.

I wouldn't finish the freindship though. And I suspect she will be needing you if/when this all blows up in her face.

bubblagirl · 29/06/2008 11:03

i wouldnt end my friendship because of it if has been a good friend i would keep my views and ask for nothing to be said to me

but have known a couple who had gone off sex well she had and she asked her to dh to find else where and he didnt want to at first but she encouraged it so he did as he had needs after all

in all honesty it worked for them

i dont agree with cheating at all but i do value my friends even if i dont value there values have been in the middle when my male friend admitted he was cheating on dp and now in same situation that my friend is cheating on her dp but she is my bestest friend the only one that has ever been there 100% for me

i dont ask and she doesnt tell me but i do feel sorry for other person but it really isnt my business they will be the ones having to deal with it when it comes to a head and all know that i wont want to hear about it its the unspoken rule we just know

but other wise as a friend she is the best i could ask for and wont lose her there to hard to find

pointydog · 29/06/2008 11:08

YABU. This is her private life and it hasn't affected you at all so far. Try to forget about it. Everyone has different morals

Dior · 29/06/2008 11:12

Message withdrawn

purpleduck · 29/06/2008 11:20

if she has just been hurt by a married man, then I suspect she needs to do it again, but this time from a position of power - maybe to get the whole thing out of her system.

Who knows why people do what they do?

You say she is your only friend... perhaps this is because you dump them when the going gets a bit tough..?

Original poster

goingslowlymad · 29/06/2008 17:35

purpleduck, she is actually my only friend because I am painfully shy and find it impossible to strike up conversation with people I don't know. I wouldn't know where to begin to make new friends.

OP posts:

Janos · 29/06/2008 18:22

"You say she is your only friend... perhaps this is because you dump them when the going gets a bit tough..? "

What an unnecessary and rather rude remark.

I do sympathise goingslowlymad it's a very difficult problem.

I feel as you do and me knee jerk reaction would be to cut the friend off. However, I recognise that in a long standing friendship it's just not that simple.

Perhaps, if you don't want to lose the friendship, you could do as others have suggested and back off or tell her you don't want to talk about it and you aren't interested every time she brings the subject up.

scottishmum007 · 29/06/2008 18:28

they are both consenting adults, let them do what they want. you can still be friends with her, you just don't have to agree with everything she does. that's normal.

and to be honest, they are alof of men that look for it elsewhere because when they get married, the sex life deteriorates and they need to do it with someone (or that's what they think anyway). Personally I would rather have my DH visiting palm and her 5 lovely sisters, than doing it with another woman...

Original poster

goingslowlymad · 29/06/2008 19:03

Thanks for the advice everyone. My friend came round today for usual Sunday cuppa and chat and we just avoided talking about what she did last night. Twas a tad awkward as we both knew we were avoiding it but as you all say, it's not a relationship that can ever go anywhere and I love her, flaws and all so I'll just encourage her to meet someone better who deserves her.

She really is fab, so if you know any single, 40-something chaps.....? ;)

OP posts:

purpleduck · 30/06/2008 00:19

Whoa Janos
I certainly did not intend to it to be a rude remark!

I have been on both sides - the friend who went through terrible lapses of judgement (to say the least), and also the Friend Who Held Her Tongue! I have friends (of 25plus years) who have stuck by me, and ones who I have stuck by through it all, and I am grateful that we made it.

goingslowly - I am glad that you decided to stick with her

Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/06/2008 00:33

I think you did right, goingslowlymad> Is this out of character for her? I'm assuming it is, as you have been friends for a long time. To me, this kind of relationship smacks of low self-esteem. Why would you want a half-relationship with a guy like this if you thought you deserved a proper one? One of my dearest friends had a "thing" with a married man. She was loathe to tell me, as she knows how I feel about things like this, but I was just worried about her. I felt she was vulnerable, and that she was going to get hurt (which she did), but I also respected her enough to know that she had to go through it. I didn't know the guy, or his wife and child, so I focussed my concerns on my friend. And it ended fairly quickly, and we just moved on, but I made sure I had plenty time for her. She was a bit mixed up then. Now, she is happily married with a gorgeous baby, and we are still the best of friends. I hope you two can get through this.

madamez · 30/06/2008 00:34

Unless you have proof that the wife is being decieved I think you should mind your own business. It is perfectly feasible for a couple to have a consensually open relationship, no matter what monogamy fetishists say about it 'always' being a lie.

mrslurkalot · 30/06/2008 00:44

A few years ago a very dear friend of mine had a affair. My husband and I were very good friends with both my friend and her husband. She told me about the affair. I found it almost impossible to see him as I felt so guilty for knowing and yet didn't want to end their marriage by telling him and so 'betraying' her. It ruined all our relationships, my husband initially hated me seeing her and branded her a slag, her husband found out (of course) and was not happy that I had known. HOWEVER, just because I didn't like her actions it didn't stop me loving her and I supported her without accepting what she was doing. She is under no illusion that I think what she did was right. She split with her then husband (who although lovely definately didn't give her what she deserved/needed) and they are both now very happy with other people. My point is if you are a true friend you do not need to like or approve of what your friend is doing, you can offer advice (if requested) and make your feelings clear, but what kind of friend abandons someone they have cared about for 10 years because they do something that makes them 'uncomfortable'. Everyone makes mistakes and having an affair with someone elses husband/partner is a massive one, but when she realises that he isn't what she thinks he is and that she has done it because she feels shit about herself she is going to need a friend.

bonio · 30/06/2008 11:25

true madamez

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