AIBU to set firmer boundaries with an overly familiar neighbour?

[Mirandaforever]

Hi all,
I’m not too sure where to post this. I’m looking for some advice as to handle an issue with my neighbour.

For context, I’m 36, a single mother to two active boys, aged 10 and 13. We have very settled home life; I work 45 hours a week and our weekends are often filled with days out, activities and kickboxing. We’ve got a lovely, steady peaceful life that I’ve worked hard to create.

Personally, when my boys are with their dad and I have free time, I like to do things with friends, catch up at home and relax with a film, candles lit and a good book, a little trip out often alone, or off to my local yoga class. Life is full in a way I have created. I love my life and am grateful for it, as life with my ex was turbulent.

My issue has become a bit tricky to escape, and I’m losing ideas of how to back away politely. There’s a young couple who have moved in about 5 doors down from me, they live in the end house and so I have to pass their house to go out. The girl is 24 with a 3 year old and a 10 month old. The eldest is quite often in the garden until late at night, say 9:30-10pm, and I’ve heard them arguing frequently since they moved in about 5 months ago.

I’m always polite as I go by, sometimes I’m in the car and she’ll stand there waving with the toddler, other times I walk by and she comes out to speak. Other times I’ll use the bus into town and she’ll chat, all very polite. The issue is, there’s a cafe that I use in our village and the staff have been telling me how they’ve been encouraging her to make friends with me, as some of the people in our area can be a little rude and unfriendly. They’ve told her to give me a knock if she ever feels lonely, and to add me on social media. I only have instagram and wondered how she’d found me.

It’s to the point now, she has started stopping me whenever I go past, keeps me talking for ages no matter how politely I try to remove myself, she messages me every day on Instagram, and keeps hinting for my phone number. She stopped me a couple of days ago and was saying how she wanted a night out with her partner but had nobody to babysit the children, as her mum doesn’t live locally or really help out and her in-laws were on holiday. I said what a shame it was and hoped she found someone, luckily my eldest son had seen me and rang my mobile, saying he needed me to come home.

Over the weekends she messages me, often while I’m out with a friend, or if I’m out with my kids. I politely say I’m busy but she just keeps messaging. She messaged me yesterday saying how she will have to come around one night for a takeaway and a bottle of wine, I don’t actually drink much so I wouldn’t do that anyway. I also enjoy having my home to myself, my children and my few close friends.

As I said, I’ve worked hard to create this peace, have a busy life day-to-day, and don’t wish to invite random people into my home. It seems to me she thinks I must be a lonely woman, who has no friends or anything else to do with life. She doesn’t seem to get that actually, life is actually busy for us and quite full. The last couple of times I’ve spoken with her, she’s encouraged her toddler to call me ‘aunty’, and seems to just let him run off to the point I’ve grabbed him myself a couple of times.

Last weekend myself and my boys had been camping, she was messaging me so I apologised and said I was trying to keep my battery. On arriving home around 10pm the following night, she was messaging me within 7 minutes of getting home, to ask if we’d had fun. She must be watching to see when my lights come on. She sees me coming home from a 9 hour work day, and is then messaging me about her day, or what’s happening with her children, or when she’s had a row with her parents. I just feel so overwhelmed and trapped by it all.

I sat at home last night with my lights off and curtains closed tight, sleeping in my sons room at the back of my house, as I knew she’d be hinting to come around if she knew I was home alone. It sounds ridiculous but I have to see her everyday and don’t want to fall out, but also don’t want her to live in my pocket. I don’t respond straight away, always make it politely clear I’m out so don’t wish to be on my phone, or if I’m home I will politely message a little bit then say I’ve got something to do.

I do get she is obviously lonely, but it seems unfair that she has the expectation of me to be her soundboard everyday, or be inviting herself round to my home. Even in work, she’ll start messaging and I’ve told her repeatedly I can’t use my phone during working hours. It seems to be getting to the point I’m going to upset her and that’s the last thing I want to do, but she is not getting the polite message any other way. How else can I make it politely clear that I don’t wish to babysit, or have her in my home, as she is now hinting almost every other day.

I’m sorry but I would be blunt and reply to her next text: I’m sorry but I think I and others have given you the wrong impression. I have a full and busy life with lots of friends already and really don’t have time to respond to messages or stop to chat. If you are looking to make friends, the village hall has lots of coffee mornings and stay and play creche activities with people your age, especially those with young children, where you can meet new people - but I’m just not in a place where I want to add people to my social network. Good luck.

Then I would block her messages.

And the next time you are in the coffee shop I would tell them that you understand that they suggested she make contact and, whilst you understand it would have been well-meaning, you would appreciate it if they didn’t meddle in your social life going forward. As a result of their encouragement, it has created a very awkward situation, which has meant you may have hurt this woman’s feelings unnecessarily. Make sure they understand this mess is of their making.

her response was, “oh level one autism isn’t real autism is it?”

What did you say to that? Surely 'are you fucking serious? Do not contact me again.'

@Mirandaforever Do you happen to know the names/SM profiles of the cafe workers? If so then I'd be handing them over to this parasite quick smart and she can latch onto them instead, since they're so keen to sort out her socialising needs. needs

And actuallyeven if not I'd still try and steer her towards them with something like "Oh the blonde lady in the cafe was telling me about having a similar issue to you once. Maybe you should go and talk to her about it. I'm sure she'd appreciate the connection ".

I would lose patience with her. Mute her messages on social media for a start. You wont be notified.

Id be blunt and to the point - keep walking when she talks and say cant stop. You didn't reply to my messages- no I didnt ... Think you need to make friends your own age

Id also complain so badly to the cafe management

@Mirandaforever
She is coming across as someone who has grown up thinking that if she pressurises, pushes and asserts herself enough people will give in because it would be horrible not to, after she's gone out of her way to be so friendly to them.

Unfortunately, you fit the bill nicely, kind, a drop in able distance, have children, work in a profession where you are expert in listening and problem solvings.. and potential childcare assistant, which I believe is the prime motivation here.
"Would you just watch baby for me whilst I pop to the hairdressers." This has elevated you to family member (free favours) status in her eyes. Going by the amount of messaging and self invitations,If you gave in once it would be never ending.

Its almost like she's been "courting" you to get you quickly to the stage where the favours start happening., (She probably doesn't even realise she's doing this and its made more intense because you are so close by).
I think that's why the tone has changed with her trying to draw you into gossiping about the elderly neighbour and the sex talk, which were both attempts at the kind of talk one might only have with a very close friend. But also I thought there as a little bit of threat hidden in there, that she was implying she might tell people that's what's happening. Dreadful behaviour.

I think pps are right, you do have to be blunter than you feel comfortable with, but the affair comment is good grounds for this.
With someone like that I wouldn't give reasons, or any extra information (because she remembers everything) , but just as quietly as possible take a step back.. mute and ignore messages having messaged, I am sorry I don't have time to respond to all these messages. Hide your social media. As pps have suggested have some phrases that get blunter in stages for your sleeve for the walk bys but keep any detail that can be argued with out.
"I'm so late I cant talk.." "I said I'm late I really can't stop" "Not now please" "I have to go" and walk on

I wouldn't say too much to the cafe staff either, because if she continues her conversations with them about you and they tell her, it will just be extra unwanted drama.

It's really hard, and it feels dreadful to be blunt enough to put them off, but harder to carry on like this. I had someone who wanted to come and stay for a long weekend . I said no politely, but it was just why why why. every time i saw them. Eventually when I heard them minutes later trying to get my DH (softie) to invite them just after I'd turned them down, I said. "I just don't want to, I don't know what our plans are and its just too much work having people to stay." I felt so rude at the time saying it so bluntly, (especially as DH's eyebrows went up) but its stopped and that's been a relief. Best of luck x

@Mirandaforever I had/have a neighbour like that. I literally could not leave my house without her coming out to chat shite. Constant text messages and phone calls. Block her number and DO NOT STOP TO TALK. You don't need to engage or explain. It takes 2 people to have a conversation whether that be in person or by text.

Do not bother being polite or kind . It only encourages her . A flat out I want you to leave me alone . Add Please if you want . We are so busy trying not to offend people . She didn't mind offending you about sleeping with neighbor or the autistic remark . There will be no down side of this for you . If she slags you off to other neighbors who cares ? You won't notice any different and if they say anything tell them the truth . She was a stalker and asking for babysitters .

Oh god I’ve got second hand anxiety for you just thinking about it OP. I hate these situations where it’s not of your making in anyway but you still end up in a horribly awkward position.

I’m very similar to you. I have one autistic child and I have a hobby where I have two best friends and we mainly do activities to do with that hobby. I go to book club once a month and that’s me done. I never made or particularly wanted ‘mum friends’ and to be honest having a ND child meant that I was quite isolated from those groups at times - certainly no offers of babysitting for me so I never had to reciprocate (I would have hated it anyway - it’s v likely I’m autistic as well).

The further I read your posts actually though she doesn’t sound very nice. At first it had a slight kicking a puppy feeling but as you’ve elaborated she’s really trying to control you. I’m horrible at confrontation but she’s clearly got skin thicker than a rhino and needs a clear ‘f off’. I agree with other posters suggesting she’s buttering you up for childcare. That’s what she really wants from you so I think maybe you need to bite the bullet and tell her to do one. She might find someone else to latch onto then.

Best of luck OP.

Good grief. I'd lose my shit if a local cafe was giving someone my contact details without checking it was OK with me first!

Annoyed would be putting it mildly if I was put in a situation like this. How dare they?! What a weird and inappropriate thing for them to do. People are increasingly bonkers.

Sorry, OP, she sounds a real piece of work- she's very bad news-don't feed the animals.Grey rock, don't respond to any messages, not even a thumbs up.Personally, I would never say anything except "Hi" or "No" and keep on walking.

Me too. That would be it.

I would send her a message saying -

I'm sorry the staff in the cafe got the wrong idea and wish they had spoken with me first. They have put us both in an awkward position. I'm obviously happy to have the odd conversation here and there but I don't have time in my schedule or life for anything more.

I can recommend XYZ as a good place to meet people - sorry again that I don't have time for new friends - I will update the staff at the cafe so they don't embarrass me or others again in future.

And then don't reply to one more message. Don't acknowledge messages. In fact, I would change my number and keep the old one for people you don't want having the new one.

I’ve actually got a very serious and professional job and it’s in mental health?

I would have expected your boundaries to slightly better than the flimsy ones you’re showing here tbh.

And you have given so much unnecessary information in your OP I’m tempted to say it sounds like chat GPT?

You have gone way above and beyond but need to sever her growing dependency on you. Block her number and on social media and perhaps then write her a note saying what you’ve said above, which is perfectly reasonable. Be blunt, to the point and brief. She can then reflect on what you’ve written rather than dismissing what you are saying.
Be prepared for you to be the subject of her slaggings off but that will be a small price to pay to regain your mental and physical space.

I agree. She crossed a very obvious line and that was the perfect opportunity for you to say “back off” and block her

I agree with this. That sort of tittle tattle could cause all sorts of issues for you. Could she turn nasty if you block her? I think I’d just deliberately make myself super boring, one word replies, no attempt at questions or conversations. And a very short shrift if she makes any inappropriate comments like that again. She sounds lonely and perhaps vulnerable but it’s not an excuse to pester you like this.

Thanks again everyone. Really appreciate your time and comments, as I have said I will take the comments about being firm onboard. I will address it once politely enough but clear enough also.

I had a similar situation a few years ago at a local Pilates class, and it ended in someone kicking off and telling a lot of untruths about me, hence why I was keen to avoid any unpleasantness. I’d only met the woman about 5 times and she was newly divorced like myself. I was open to making new friends, until she rang me early hours one morning drunk and I had to put boundaries in place that caused a massive blow up. This is partly why I keep myself to myself now.

The last 2 months have been increasingly uncomfortable and I don’t wish for it to continue, so being firm seems to be the only route out of this situation. Unfortunately, the nature of my job does attract people who want free therapy! Obviously by being polite and passing the time of day, this has somehow translated to her that I want to know every detail of her day.

@conseulabananahammock2 I quite often don’t reply, this leads to her messaging me the same message and questions the following day constantly seeking an answer. I’ve gone from chatting, to brief replies, to thumbing a message to often not responding and she will message the same message again the following day.

If that’s the case I think you’re going to have to be blunt. Ignore her but if she continues messaging just say ‘look I’m really sorry but I’m so busy and don’t have time to constantly be looking at my phone and messaging.’

Point her in the direction of some toddler groups and leave it at that. I’d be wary of being too brutal because sometimes people like this can turn nasty and you don’t need the drama. But just gradually phase yourself out. If she’s getting nothing back from you surely she’d get bored.

A very non confrontational way to deal with this is to appear less calm and together. You’ve organised a life that works for you, so it looks to her (and the cafe people) as if you can support her too.

Allow yourself to look a little harried and busy on occasion- answer her messages with a slightly harried- I can’t wait to have my house to myself this weekend- peace and quiet and the opportunity to catch up on chores; Sorry but work’s been very demanding, I need my own company; no I’m not making plans, going anywhere or having visitors, I’m recovering from a full on week.

Some people can’t imagine that you are a busy person with your own worries unless you communicate bigly and loudly that you are THE MOST STRESSED person in the world. Basically if you aren’t talking about being ill and tired and overwhelmed you must be available to help them!

Did the cafe staff definitely tell her to pursue a relationship with you or is this the in she has used to try and build one? I’m not entirely convinced she isn’t talking nonsense…

This is your out op. Id tell her how inappropriate her speculation is and that you would ask her now to leave you alone as she clearly thinks so little of you

Soft option - Mute the instagram chat. Check occasionally if/ when you feel like it and give simple replies. This is what I do with over keen texters / messengers. Perhaps suggest mother and baby groups to her if you know of any.

Hard option - Firmly tell her you really just prefer to keep to yourself and you have enough friends.

@conseulabananahammock2 I do say this kind of thing ‘sorry I’m busy with the kids right now’, or ‘sorry I’m out with friends.’ I’ve given her leaflets on mental health with local groups in, and sent her links to groups. All in the hope that she’d be proactive.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn Exactly, this has happened to me in the past and partly what I wanted to avoid. Especially as she lives a few doors away from me but trying to taper off from her just doesn’t seem to work. Maybe I’ll have to look stressed as you’ve said, and not appear as such a safe space almost, thank you.

@Claireabella111 yes they actually told me what they’d done. She added my Instagram a few days before, hadn’t messaged at that point. I went in with my sons on a Saturday, as we did do every Saturday morning, and the owner said she’d told this girl to add me as she’d been in with the baby and was upset. They said she’s a lovely girl and they know I’ll look out for her.

I said at the time I didn’t appreciate them giving my personal details out to people I didn’t really know, only in passing. I’ve been there once since then, and they asked if I’d heard from her, I said yes I hear from her every day actually, they pulled a face and I haven’t been back since.