AIBU to set firmer boundaries with an overly familiar neighbour?

[Mirandaforever]

Hi all,
I’m not too sure where to post this. I’m looking for some advice as to handle an issue with my neighbour.

For context, I’m 36, a single mother to two active boys, aged 10 and 13. We have very settled home life; I work 45 hours a week and our weekends are often filled with days out, activities and kickboxing. We’ve got a lovely, steady peaceful life that I’ve worked hard to create.

Personally, when my boys are with their dad and I have free time, I like to do things with friends, catch up at home and relax with a film, candles lit and a good book, a little trip out often alone, or off to my local yoga class. Life is full in a way I have created. I love my life and am grateful for it, as life with my ex was turbulent.

My issue has become a bit tricky to escape, and I’m losing ideas of how to back away politely. There’s a young couple who have moved in about 5 doors down from me, they live in the end house and so I have to pass their house to go out. The girl is 24 with a 3 year old and a 10 month old. The eldest is quite often in the garden until late at night, say 9:30-10pm, and I’ve heard them arguing frequently since they moved in about 5 months ago.

I’m always polite as I go by, sometimes I’m in the car and she’ll stand there waving with the toddler, other times I walk by and she comes out to speak. Other times I’ll use the bus into town and she’ll chat, all very polite. The issue is, there’s a cafe that I use in our village and the staff have been telling me how they’ve been encouraging her to make friends with me, as some of the people in our area can be a little rude and unfriendly. They’ve told her to give me a knock if she ever feels lonely, and to add me on social media. I only have instagram and wondered how she’d found me.

It’s to the point now, she has started stopping me whenever I go past, keeps me talking for ages no matter how politely I try to remove myself, she messages me every day on Instagram, and keeps hinting for my phone number. She stopped me a couple of days ago and was saying how she wanted a night out with her partner but had nobody to babysit the children, as her mum doesn’t live locally or really help out and her in-laws were on holiday. I said what a shame it was and hoped she found someone, luckily my eldest son had seen me and rang my mobile, saying he needed me to come home.

Over the weekends she messages me, often while I’m out with a friend, or if I’m out with my kids. I politely say I’m busy but she just keeps messaging. She messaged me yesterday saying how she will have to come around one night for a takeaway and a bottle of wine, I don’t actually drink much so I wouldn’t do that anyway. I also enjoy having my home to myself, my children and my few close friends.

As I said, I’ve worked hard to create this peace, have a busy life day-to-day, and don’t wish to invite random people into my home. It seems to me she thinks I must be a lonely woman, who has no friends or anything else to do with life. She doesn’t seem to get that actually, life is actually busy for us and quite full. The last couple of times I’ve spoken with her, she’s encouraged her toddler to call me ‘aunty’, and seems to just let him run off to the point I’ve grabbed him myself a couple of times.

Last weekend myself and my boys had been camping, she was messaging me so I apologised and said I was trying to keep my battery. On arriving home around 10pm the following night, she was messaging me within 7 minutes of getting home, to ask if we’d had fun. She must be watching to see when my lights come on. She sees me coming home from a 9 hour work day, and is then messaging me about her day, or what’s happening with her children, or when she’s had a row with her parents. I just feel so overwhelmed and trapped by it all.

I sat at home last night with my lights off and curtains closed tight, sleeping in my sons room at the back of my house, as I knew she’d be hinting to come around if she knew I was home alone. It sounds ridiculous but I have to see her everyday and don’t want to fall out, but also don’t want her to live in my pocket. I don’t respond straight away, always make it politely clear I’m out so don’t wish to be on my phone, or if I’m home I will politely message a little bit then say I’ve got something to do.

I do get she is obviously lonely, but it seems unfair that she has the expectation of me to be her soundboard everyday, or be inviting herself round to my home. Even in work, she’ll start messaging and I’ve told her repeatedly I can’t use my phone during working hours. It seems to be getting to the point I’m going to upset her and that’s the last thing I want to do, but she is not getting the polite message any other way. How else can I make it politely clear that I don’t wish to babysit, or have her in my home, as she is now hinting almost every other day.

Thank you all for your replies. I think because I work with mental health, the suggestion was I’d help her and be her friend/therapist.

I do understand her situation, I was a mum at 24 and remember the days well however, my child wasn’t handed out to the neighbour so I could go for a night out.

You’re all right. I’m going to have to be firm and keep going. I listen to people all day for a living, then come home to an autistic teen who is wonderful but can be hard work. The last thing that is needed is having to listen to a woman who doesn’t want to get out and make her life better, the minute I arrive home!

I wouldn't be replying or liking any of her messages. In fact I'd block for my own sanity. A quick hi as you go past and keep walking.

Next time she starts again keep walking whilst saying something breezy, such as 'can't stop, in a rush'. As soon as you stop she has you.

I would be tempted to block her on your phone and social media. And how DARE the people in the cafe suggest you as a friend to her, or to anyone!

Your have my sympathies for this situation. In your shoes I think it would actually make me ill.

I agree with the above poster I think you missed an opportunity there to tell her to go and get lost for herself. She is obviously of that sort of mentality where you can’t be friends with your male neighbours (or any male ) without sex being involved so without even any of the other behaviour on that one thing alone I’d avoid her like the plague as that tells you all you need to knows about her. Just stop answering her messages and even if she outright asks you to babysit just laugh at her and say you are past that stage of life now. Give her a while and she will latch onto someone else and find a new “bestie “

The accusation that you've slept with your married neighbour is genuinely outrageous. You'll need to put her straight very bluntly about this and tell the cafe people not to direct any randomers to your social media as you definitely don't want to be her mate.
Be really blunt - not 'Sorry I don't have time to chat' or 'That would be nice except...' Say 'I don't have time' and 'No. It's not my thing'.
Don't respond at all to messages or even let her see that you've read them (maybe don't even read them). Block her on Instagram. Tell people why if they get nosey or arsey with you.

It sounds as though she has spent an inappropriate amount of time regaling cafe staff with her problems. They perhaps did think they were being kind by giving her your social media details but perhaps they just wanted to stop her from interrupting their work day with her life story.
i am a people-pleasing pushover. I don’t have it in me to give a forthright “stop trying to befriend me” speech but I have got more confident with my refusals. I will now just say “no thank you, that’s not something I enjoy”, or “that’s very kind of you but I really value my alone-time and I am not up for socialising”. It’s actually quite hard for people to push back when you just tell them that you don’t enjoy something.

I like going to art exhibitions and a friend of mine had been hinting that she likes them too and recently said “I’ll have to come with you next time” and I was very proud of myself for managing to say “that’s so kind of you but it’s actually really important to me to do that on my own. If I don’t get a certain amount of alone time, I find I get stressed and snappy”.

You don’t want to get to know her better so it doesn’t really matter what she thinks of you but it does matter what you think of you and it sounds as though it’s important to you to be “nice”. You need a few ready phrases where it comes across that you are saying no because for personal reasons and for any reason to do with her.

Can you alter your settings so that she can’t see what you’re doing online? Or perhaps tell her that you are not using your phone when you’re with your children or something similar?

Have you said you have a autistic teen? When she asks about babysitting just say no sorry I have a child with SEN and have my hands full last thing I want to do is babysit other people's kids on top. Its exhausting. Just be blunt.

This woman is taking the piss.
As pp said, use the married man question to cool things dramatically, you can let her know you didn't appreciate the comment, nor do you like that she's bitching about the elderly neighbour.
No more 'liking' her comments, no more replying AT ALL and I would even suggest just blocking her completely.
When you pass her in the street, say hello and KEEP WALKING, do not slow down, do not stop, if she badgers you for a conversation the only words out of your mouth beyond 'hello' are 'sorry, can't stop to chat today' - say it every.single.time. and if she counters it with her usual BS just keep walking!!! do not engage.
If you do get cornered for babysitting you can laugh and say absolutely not, I'm having 'me time'
She's got the impression (from the cafe fuckers!) that you're up for a friendship when you're categorically not so you're going to have to be blunt to protect yourself - it's the only way with people like your neighbour.

Spot on. I'd be livid with the cafe, to the point of consulting a solicitor if I could afford one! This woman sounds like trouble too.

She sounds like a stalker! One polite but firm “no thanks, I don’t want to be friends, please stop contacting me” and then no further interaction. It will take a few weeks but she’ll give up. She wants your attention so trying to let her down gently or liking messages, having a brief chat etc will just encourage her. You might offend her but at least she’ll get the message!

@QueenCamillaMW It is starting to do a bit of a number on my head in honesty. I’m a person who just enjoys time to herself, I think with a busy life and perimenopause, I don’t have the energy for this. No matter how polite but brief I try to be, she will not take the hint.

@SparkyBlue @Citronella321 I did tell her that I was offended by that remark and she laughed saying it was a joke. More of a backtrack I think. She then went on to ask about my sex life, my response was if I’m not having it with you it’s probably none of your business. She was taken back a bit, but still messaged the next day, and the day after when I just sent a thumbs up and hadn’t actually responded to her questions in the message.

@StressedOutPeanut yes her response was, “oh level one autism isn’t real autism is it?”

I’ve only got a masters degree in mental health, along with a level 4 diploma in working within neurodivergence, what would I know. She clearly knows more than the psychologist as well.

Don’t be too caught up with the idea you have to be polite. You have to be assertive! You have to speak very clearly to her because she is quite thick skinned and ahe’s not picking up on the hints. your hints and your language needs to be a little stronger. Work on putting some very strong boundaries in sadly I think you will need to push her away because I can’t see you can have a friendship with this person. Her expectations of you are too high.
Don’t be afraid to look her in the eye and say firmly ‘No’ No to all the things you don’t want to have to do.
No I don’t want to do that.
No, I wouldn’t like that
No, I’m not available
etc. good luck.

Thanks so much everyone, you’ve given me the push I needed. It’s really appreciated. Hopefully within a couple of weeks, I’ll be able to relax again and go for a run without being flagged bloody down every time my foot leaves the door!

Really appreciate your time.

That comment about autism alone would have me blocking and ignoring her.

I’d do something like this, but less direct and less sharp.

If she feels attacked she’ll create more drama for you in the neighborhood. Smile and wave and keep moving. “Sorry, no time to chat!”

Be consistent. “Life is just full on right now.”
“Oh, I don’t really have time to do social media anymore.”

I’d be livid with the cafe people.

Definitely just keep walking, don’t reply to messages - if she corners you and asks why you didn’t reply just say “oh I don’t always see them, I’m so busy with my work and kids” and don’t get drawn in further.

And honestly I would contact the manager at that cafe - it’s completely out of line for them to give out your details to anybody!

YANBU
But she clearly needs a social circle. Maybe you could send her links to toddler clubs? With a 3 year old and 10 month old she could go to the usual baby and toddler clubs, at the library / church halls, rhyme time, tumbletots, etc.

@SandrenaIsMyBloodType you and I sound very similar. I love seeing friends and being together, but I greatly value my alone time! I love art and will often take myself off to a gallery, museum etc alone. Something about being alone with my thoughts brings me great peace.

I will try to be ready with some phrases as you have suggested, that’s actually really helpful so thank you. It’s just upsetting I’m trying to keep my boundaries in place and she clearly doesn’t see or respect them.

I’ve changed my settings now, as she messaged me during the storm we had here over the weekend saying her boyfriend was out and she was scared of the rain. I had to do a Google search on how to change my settings, but I got there haha.

What the actual fuck. I would of immediately told her to never speak to me again as her lack of empathy is disgusting. Actually op just block her number, ignore her in the street if she comes running to you "look Susan you've said some rather nasty things to me. We are not going to be friends leave me alone." She deserves it.

That line you wrote about validation and self regulation really encapsulates what these socially unaware people are like, I’m going to remember that. They seem to not be able to stand their own company.
Sorry OP it sounds horrific, you need to be blunt with people like this. If she falls out with you so be it. You’ll have your peace.

Why on earth is this ops job? She's a grown adult with kids a partner and a home. She can Google her own bloody toddler groups!! This isn't the ops problem at all

That would be my first inclination, too. But being so sharp creates more of a relationship with this woman - a negative one one where she will have strong feelings about OP.

The goal is to not give her what she wants and to be someone she sees and feels little or nothing about.

Being boring instead will get OP the peace she wants.

@CruelsummerTS I actually gave her some leaflets and sent her some links a while back. I also advised her to speak with her health visitor. She has done nothing. I feel she just really wants someone to dump the children on, while she sits there drinking wine. Obviously I won’t be facilitating this. Seems to be oblivious that if you want things to get better, she has to start making the moves herself.

@Disturbia81 It’s the last resort but I think that will be necessary sadly. Self soothing is so important, something I remind my children of regularly.

The cafe staff have told her to give you a knock if she ever feels lonely??
How dare they??

Imagine the kind of person who is so pitiful that staff at the local café is trying to help her set up adult play dates.