Is it bad to want to be left alone

[BwjrIg]

Context - just got back from a week away with the kids on my own. Was pretty full on, the kids loved it, am totally done. Husband was working but basically got a week to himself. He is now in a mood because I am not being more affectionate.

If I have to be honest - I just want to be left alone and a bit of time to myself. My oldest didn't go to bed till 10.30 on holiday i.e. my bedtime, youngest got up at 6.30 so I basically been emotionally and practically servicing someone else with no break for a week. Am done.

What I really want is to just have quiet time for myself. My husband instead wants to have sex and constant affection as he feels he's been missing out. I get that, I do but am I unreasonable to feel like all I actually want is not to be needed by anyone and left alone rather than jumping straight back in to basically servicing my husband. I know that sounds bad. I get that am a 40 something woman on HRT but honestly I just want a break.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Can you disappear for a day over the bank holiday weekend and leave your husband in charge of the kids?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Go away for a night or two by yourself.

I think your husband needs to realise that if he took some of the pressure off you, you may feel more affectionate rather than being constantly overwhelmed!

Have you told him that?

I have mentioned it to him. He is upset that I don't want the shared affection and that this doesn't make me better and supported. It doesn't. I just want peace by myself

Not at all. Sharing a house with other people sounds like the stuff of nightmares.

You've just had a whole week of carrying the entire load by yourself. The least you deserve is some time alone!

Tell him you’ll be interested in sex again once you’ve had a rest and time to yourself and not until. And that if he feels he ‘missed out’, he’s more than welcome to take the children away by himself for a week while you focus on work.

Tell him you need an early night , a lie in for the morning , him to take over this weekend. Then MAYBE you'll hit him up for a booty call. 😁

Don't mention it, properly explain like you have here. This is just a miscommunication issue by the sounds of it.

Has he ever done that thing where he gets in from work, and disappears for an hour - and gets miffed if you try to engage with him during that 'decompression' time? Because if so I would try explaining it to him that way - that you need some decompression time.

But you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'm a single mum, and for some reason, the one day a month they visit their father hits differently to the days when I'm working/they're at school - even though they're teens now and really not demanding and quite pleasant company.

Sometimes you just need to lock yourself away and sit in your own thoughts for a bit.

Not a miscommunication issue at all. A mismatch between them as he lacks empathy and the ability to recognize her needs a distinct from his.

Why didn’t he go on holiday with you?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I say this to DH all the time, you need to communicate very clearly here. There was a time DH booked a romantic night away and I was worn out at the time having kids to myself all day long and I explained I just couldn't deal with him too. Our solution was I went a day ahead, admittedly to a cheap B&B around the corner and did whatever i wanted for 24 hours while he managed the kids and got them organised for the sitter etc. We had a lovely time and I can absolutely assure you that would not have been the case if we had left together. I guess the equivalent from home would be to take a full day off alone and just come back when bed time is done at home, relax alone at home that night and the following day you are back to being his wife

Be couldn't go away as he doesn't have enough AL - that wasn't a problem. I just want a break. But that makes him feel like a burden and he sulks.

He never needs an hour to himself. Realistically he is always up for sex and affection.

Right now it feels like he is just another person whose emotional needs I have to manage. I don't want to manage anyone else's emotional needs. I want time to myself.

He never needs an hour to himself.

This sounds like the solution then. When he comes in from work hand everything over and take yourself out. Go to a nearby hotel and be back just before he leaves for work the next day. This will give you the break you need and he will be fine because he doesn't need down time.

Why don't you suggest that to him?

Is it possible he never needs an hour to himself because he has plenty of hours to himself?

In that case he doesn't have enough of the mental load & the child stuff. If you left him with them for a week by himself let's see how up for it he would be?!

Agree with this. He never needs an hour to himself because everything is to his liking and he doesn’t put himself out for you or anyone.

I used to go away for 24 hour stretches when DS was younger just so I could decompress mentally. Tell your DH, this is not about you, I need you to listen to what I need right now. What I need is some total time off where I am not needed by anyone. I will be going away for 24 hours I am only to be contacted if there is a need for someone to go to A&E otherwise I will see you at x time. I’d be tempted to do it this afternoon and just go to a premier inn, or plan for next weekend and find a shepherds hut somewhere! I found it as enough to keep me sane and DH never begrudged me this.

So tell him to clear off, you want space, you want time to yourself. Full stop. Ignore the sulking. Have some time.

The number of men who think that all a woman needs to feel better is to have sex with them, is staggering!

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. I'd want some affection if my husband had been away for a week. I've also been in the position you are where I just want to be left alone after doing everything for everyone.

Oh blimey, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.
Please take some time for yourself.

all I actually want is not to be needed by anyone and left alone rather than jumping straight back in to basically servicing my husband.

You have explained you need some time and he is still making you feel guilty. A good husband would have backed off.

And this bit seems to be saying you sometimes or often just have sex to service him rather than because you actively want to. Is that the case? Because you don’t owe him sex.