Concerned DS could be seen as grooming his younger friend

[TheSurge]

Prepared to be told it's none of my business as DS is 17 but I'm really concerned for the both of them tbh

My DS is 17, about to go into his 2nd year of college. His friend is 15 going into year 11. They met online in April and DS says they aren’t dating yet but they see both “like” eachother but they’re best friends. They met in person in May when DS to his city, i’m not sure how many times they’ve seen eachother to be exact but it is many times. in total there’s about 2 hours distance(and 2 trains).

I hadn’t really spoken to ds but was a bit concerned about the age difference (esp as DS does seem much more mature than him) and the amount of time they were spending together Plus with texting too, also DS just seemed to change and would have days where he couldn't be bothered for college when he had pretty good attendance before and never was like that even in school. I also know the boy was skipping school to see ds as DS was off on fridays and would go see him. He constantly tells DS about school issues and how he doesn't get along with his mum, they argue all the time etc and DS tells him to ignore them and that he only needs him (which i got a weird vibe from, im not accusing Ds of being an abuser but his dad was abusive towards me and I don’t know i guess that line reminded me of that somewhat)

I also overheard DS on the phone to him telling him that when he turns 18 he will get his initial tattooed which I think is too soon if there not even dating. There could be more but this is just what I have overheard when they’ve been on the phone

Fast forward to this morning hes come to our area and DS is getting a piercing today, I got home and he was here as ds wasn’t ready yet and ive overheard them planning on the boy getting an eyebrow piercing which his mum has already said no to, apparently ds being over 16 means he can give permission and the boy has said he’ll work out a story later as his mum doesn’t know where he is or who ds is. They’ve now gone out and Im worrying about the whole thing especially as ds is happy to encourage him to do something his mum has already said no to and if my ds (or my other 2 children) was the 15 year old in this scenario getting permission form someone older for a piercing when id told him no already id be angry tbh

Would you be concerned too or am I overreacting? AIBU? WWYD? Any advice will be appreciated

I don't think it sounds like grooming more like the beginning of a controlling possibly abusive relationship.
Your son trying to isolate this boy from friends and family is a huge red flag.
Just because they are close in age doesn't mean there's no a power imbalance. After all that's what happens in abusive relationships.
If the father was abusive it's also concerning. Sometimes children copy that behavior.
I think you should really talk in depth with your son about how a healthy relationship should be handled?
Does he have some positive male influence in his life?

It's true you should be concerned if you feel your son is coercing him to get it. That's not a great sign.

I have spoken to DS before about how the boy is still under the age of consent and thats when he said they arent in a relationship they're just best friend's

I do think I need a proper chat with Ds. They came over again as it was too early for the boys train and they were getting wet and he did get the piercing and he was quite worried about how his mum was going to react and how she was going to question him where he was and who was was with etc and she’d probably take his phone but he still has his old one so it’s ‘fine’. He was asked DS to see him once more before school/college and said how he didn’t want to go to school because he has to deal with everyone and he can’t use his phone as he has to hand it in and DS told him to get a fake one and give them that which i wasn’t happy about tbh. I don’t think they knew i heard most of it as they were in the living room and I was in the kitchen

I don’t know what to mention to DS and what not to as i’ll be accused of spying on them

How long till he is 16 ?
how long till your son is 18 ?

keep communicating and shsre your fears
can you contact boys family?

I wouldn't call someone over the age of consent dating someone under the age of consent normal

You need to parent your son

What tf do you think she's doing here?

I don't know what I'd do in these circumstances, so I'd start by asking others for advice.

What conversation are you having with your DS about this friendship?

You have your concerns about potential of
your DS grooming.

Grooming or not, I think it is healthy to speak to our DC about the relationships they
form in the world outside of school and home.

Safeguarding for your DC, first and foremost and then they carry their upbringing out into the world they embrace.

I’ve not spoken to DS much yet, we used to be close but he's distant now and I don't want to push him away. I just feel alone tbh and I'm the only person he's told that he's gay so I feel it's wrong to talk to anyone else about this

I don't know who the boys mum is

@TheSurge you say you haven’t spoken to
him much yet because you don’t what to push him away but he is going to drift away naturally because he is 17.

It is difficult, he has told only you that he is gay and so the only person he can speak to right now is you.

Talk to him and try to instil in him a pride in being gay. It is who he is. That is one approach. Invite his friend over for lunch. Get to know them. That is the way to get the inside track.

Try not to worry right now, but do try to rebuild your relationship with your DS.

But if the 15 year old claims he wasn't consenting and was groomed, it's not that clear cut.

There may be different levels of maturity between them but also between two different 17 year olds, they can be vastly different.

School once phoned me to say they thought my daughter was in a relationship with a boy in Y11 when she was in Y10. I was shocked - not that she was in a relationship, I knew she had a boyfriend and had met him and his parents, nice lad and parents. But that school thought a normal relationship when they are a less than a year apart in age was something they had to speak to me about.

Really? You wouldn't call a 15 year old dating a 16 year old normal? If both parties are close to age of consent and both under 18 then it happens all the time.

No I wouldn't call it normal the age of consent is there for a reason

Ok so you think it rarely happens?

Of course it happens but that doesn't make it right again we have the age of consent in this country for a good reason

Well what is the 'good reason' a 15 yo shouldn't date a 16 yo?

You don't suddenly become able to cope with sexual relationships one day while you were completely ill equipped for such things mere hours earlier. In what meaningful way does that make any sense?

@LimeShade my friend did a jury service where this was pushed for my the parents of the younger child and as it is illegal they were advised by the judge that the older child was guilty and should find him so.

Someone over the age of consent 16 is legally able to give consent someone under the age of 16 is (NOT) able to give consent now in this case the person is 17 and the other person is 15 there will also be quite a gap in maturity.

It's not grooming but you're right to mention age of consent etc. I think you have done as much as you can for now. Just keep the lines of communication open as much as you can by being non-judgemental. If they want to start a physical relationship they will and not much you can do about it. I'd ask your son if he knows where the local clinics are so that he can obtain condoms and have health checks etc when the time comes.