Concerned DS could be seen as grooming his younger friend

[TheSurge]

Prepared to be told it's none of my business as DS is 17 but I'm really concerned for the both of them tbh

My DS is 17, about to go into his 2nd year of college. His friend is 15 going into year 11. They met online in April and DS says they aren’t dating yet but they see both “like” eachother but they’re best friends. They met in person in May when DS to his city, i’m not sure how many times they’ve seen eachother to be exact but it is many times. in total there’s about 2 hours distance(and 2 trains).

I hadn’t really spoken to ds but was a bit concerned about the age difference (esp as DS does seem much more mature than him) and the amount of time they were spending together Plus with texting too, also DS just seemed to change and would have days where he couldn't be bothered for college when he had pretty good attendance before and never was like that even in school. I also know the boy was skipping school to see ds as DS was off on fridays and would go see him. He constantly tells DS about school issues and how he doesn't get along with his mum, they argue all the time etc and DS tells him to ignore them and that he only needs him (which i got a weird vibe from, im not accusing Ds of being an abuser but his dad was abusive towards me and I don’t know i guess that line reminded me of that somewhat)

I also overheard DS on the phone to him telling him that when he turns 18 he will get his initial tattooed which I think is too soon if there not even dating. There could be more but this is just what I have overheard when they’ve been on the phone

Fast forward to this morning hes come to our area and DS is getting a piercing today, I got home and he was here as ds wasn’t ready yet and ive overheard them planning on the boy getting an eyebrow piercing which his mum has already said no to, apparently ds being over 16 means he can give permission and the boy has said he’ll work out a story later as his mum doesn’t know where he is or who ds is. They’ve now gone out and Im worrying about the whole thing especially as ds is happy to encourage him to do something his mum has already said no to and if my ds (or my other 2 children) was the 15 year old in this scenario getting permission form someone older for a piercing when id told him no already id be angry tbh

Would you be concerned too or am I overreacting? AIBU? WWYD? Any advice will be appreciated

Haven't you already posted this?

Although they’re 17 and 15, if he’s a younger 17 and the friend an older 15, they could only be a year apart.

I thought I saw another similar post also.

Reposted as my previous post didn’t get many responses.

As soon as your son is 18, then it would be considered grooming yes and he could get into a lot of trouble. It wouldn’t be ‘seen’ as grooming, it would be grooming.

It doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship, but it’s not grooming as there isn’t a significant power differential between them. 2 years is a totally normal age gap as teens when dating. And no professional piercer is going to let a 17 year old give consent for 15 year old to get a facial piercing. 😂 Doesn’t mean someone’s mate with a piercing needle won’t give it a go, but a proper piercer would not.

You need to put a stop to this at least till the boy is 16. It will be hard for your son but prison or the sex offenders register will be exponentially worse. Better safe than sorry.

Also as someone who’s had an initial tattoo removed.. please don’t let him do that. You feel like a right twat getting it zapped off.

This. Unless it's sexual, your son might be seen a a bad influence, but no more than that.

That’s why i’m concerned as they likely won’t have gone to a reputable piercer and if it were an older boy taking him or my other dc to get a piercing i had said no to I wouldn’t be pleased

I would tell your lad to back off till the other is sixteen, just explain. Its obviously innocent but others may not see it like that.

“He constantly tells DS about school issues and how he doesn't get along with his mum, they argue all the time etc and DS tells him to ignore them and that he only needs him”

Massive red flag. You need to parent your son. And stop him having any contact with this child.

I just don't know how to handle it, he's 17 I don't know how I can stop them having contact as he doesn't really come over here much so even if I banned that then they could still meet in our area or his and be texting etc

A 16 yo can consent to their own piercing, as long as it's not genitals or nipple. But not consent to one on someone else who's under that age.

So unless boyfriends has ID proving he himself is 16 plus then the plan won't work.

They clearly are a couple. Even if your son won't admit it. A 17 yo dating a nearly 16 yo is pretty normal though. In terms of age gap. I don't think it could be classed as grooming. That doesn't mean it definitely isn't abusive though. If your DS is coercing or controlling the lad.

A few posters on my other thread said it's grooming so that's why I titled it as that but I'm just concerned about the friendship in general for the both of them

If he does manage to get the piercing it's clearly not a great piercer and neither should even be going in the first place especially as he looks younger than 15 so he can't even lie and say he's 16+

In my view 'grooming' isn't the right word. They really are very close in age. I know times have changed but my first long term bf was 18 and I was nearly 16. And that seemed perfectly normal!

But it's fair enough you're keeping an eye out for how your DS is behaving.

You're right that a decent piercer will turn the younger one away. But if they don't it's only a piercing. Eyebrows always grow out anyway so it's a bit of a waste of money. I got one at 16 I think. But it's between the lad and his parents if he's in trouble.

It doesn't feel like just a piercing though DS is encouraging him to do something his mum has said no to and that along with the difference in maturity, I don't know I'm just concerned

I totally get your concerns . You can’t really
have any control over the friend other than speaking to his Mum.
I would definitely have a conversation with your son, explain about boundaries and behaviour that can be misconstrued. I don’t know how far off he is being 18 but it’s a whole different kettle of fish at that age. The friendship sounds a little intense and unhealthy but not unusual at this age when they are working it all out, he definitely needs your guidance though. x

Speak to the other lads mum.
I'd be v worried too.

I agree @AnaisVB , some teenage relationships are v. intense and not always healthy. I would definitely speak to your DS about sexual boundaries until the boy is 16.

I do think it sounds unhealthy in some ways and if I were the other boys mum and his older friend helped him get a piercing he had said no to (presumably by going to a dodgy guy) I would be annoyed. Because of their ages I think it would be more normal to describe your son as a being a "bad influence" on his friend rather than grooming though.

Is the other mum a reasonable normal person or do you think there are legitimate issues of abuse there (a 15 year old complaining about their parents is normal). If it's more likely to be the first could you make contact with her. Particularly as he is apparently planning on getting the eyebrow piercing and I would appreciate the heads up about that as a mum. If my underage son came home with a piercing/tattoo and it turned out another mum had known they were getting it but taken an "what can I do" attitude bit not mentioned it to be I would be a little annoyed. She probably already knows he is trying to get it behind her back TBF but I think mentioning it would show some solidarity. At 15/17 it can be hard realistically to manage teenage boys but they are both still children. If the mum isn't an areshole forming a united front with her could help. Otherwise you end up being in a joint conspiracy with the teenagers against your will.

"DS tells him to ignore them and that he only needs him"

This is hugely concerning. It's unclear from your posts how much you've spoken to your son about your concerns, but you need a sit down chat with him about positive relationships and how important it is not to encourage someone- especially someone younger- to be totally reliant on you.

Also, make sure your son understands that if he has ANY sexual contact with this boy before he turns 16, he could end up on the sex offenders' register.

At 15/17 it can be hard realistically to manage teenage boys but they are both still children.

@Persephonia1966 Yes and thinking about it, it might be wise for the OP to contact the boy's Mum through SM just to say hi and shall we exchange numbers.

My DS is also 17, and I think if he had a close friend of 15, I think that I'd reach out to the parents. It's a big maturity gap at that age.

@TheSurge If you do reach out to the other boy's mum (although not sure how you'd manage it given your sons met on the internet), please be very careful not to mention that you think her son has romantic feelings towards yours. She may not know he's gay, and outing him to her may be dangerous for him.

You overheard the plan that your son would give permission, and you said nothing. Come on . That’s so irresponsible of you.

That's a really good point! I would lead very much with the eyebrow piercing.

A 17yr old does not get put on the sex offenders register for having sex with a consenting 15yr old ffs. Nor is it grooming.

As a teen 15/17 or 16/18 was completely normal and still is.

It does sound a bit weird. But then I’m sure a fair few of us had obsessive a bit weird teen relationships. They’ll grow up