AIBU to feel awkward accepting my SIL's lift to hospital? - I'm not used to kindness!

[pontipinemum]

My SIL (husbands sister) has very kindly offered to drive me to the hospital the day I am having a non cancerous breast lump removed.

I had said I would take the bus, it's about 1.5hr bus trip. DH was then going to collect me after as it is just a day surgery but I will have been under general and won't be driving! We have 2 very young DSs who he needs to take to nursery.

SIL has said no, she will take me, then WFH in the canteen at the hospital. Or do some 'bits' in the city.

I am not used to people being kind to me like this. This lump developed when DS2 was 4 days old, and I was seen immediately. My own 'DM' was hardly interested. Didn't offer to help in any way. I told her, we spoke about it for approx 1 minute, then it was back to her big problems of the day. We have an immensely fractured relationship.

I am immensely grateful to her. But also quite uncomfortable, because I am not used to this. I am telling myself though that I need to accept the help, it is something I would do for her/ any of my friends or family.

That like other people I also deserve kindness. But I still have this underlying feeling that I am putting her out, and that I shouldn't take up her time like this.

YABU - She offered, she wants to do this
YANBU - all manor of awful things I could say about why I do not deserve the lift

Let her take you, it's ok to accept kindness, you matter.

Love, you are going in for an op.

i’d give a lift to anyone in these circs.

You are over thinking this, ' Thank you that would be most useful ' - and she is helping out her brother too due to him needing to collect the children from nursery etc.

Why shouldn't you accept gracefully? She knows it'll be a difficult and long journey for you on your own. Wouldn't you offer to help her in the same circumstances?

It sounds as though your mother has taught you never to accept kindness. I'd be steering clear of that one.

She sounds lovely. Accept, thank her and maybe buy her some flowers or something if you really feel you need to.

I’m exactly like this. I’m so used to having to sort things out for myself that if anyone shows me a kindness I’m actually quite likely to be tearful.
Sad I know.

i hope everything goes well for you 💐

Honestly, your SIL sounds lovely but giving you a lift in these circumstances is hopefully what most decent people would do. Your mum sounds spectacularly shit and her lack of concern for you, her daughter, is awful.

Do yourself a favour and cut your mum out of your life. She brings nothing positive and your life would probably be easier without her in it.

Just because you're not used to people being kind doesn't mean you can't accept someone being kind to you! Definitely take her up on it.

Also, remember, plenty of people LIKE doing nice things for other people!

She cares about you and wants to be there for you, what a lovely sister in law. Enjoy the lift, have a chat. Buy her cake and coffee etc. Good luck.

Why do you think you don’t deserve kindness? If you didn’t deserve it your SIL wouldn’t offer

She wants to help you and you need the help. Don’t overthink it, say thank you and accept it.

Of course you deserve kindness. The fact that so far you haven’t received much is all the more reason why you deserve some now.

Clearly your sister in law is putting herself out, but equally clearly she is happy to do so. Let her help.

She might be happy to help you and her being able to be there when you need her might be a lovely way to bond you a bit more. She wouldn't offer if she didn't want to do it. Accept her support, it's going to be a tough day without having to worry about public transport.
💐 hope everything goes well.

As a stubborn, independent soul myself, I do understand what you mean.
However....... in these circumstances, I would be very grateful for her offer and accept it unreservedly.
Good luck with your surgery @pontipinemum. Hope it all goes well for you.

Often people like helping so you’d be putting her out more if you refuse.

I would be sad to have my offer refused. Just look for the next opportunity to do something nice for her and then you can have a lovely relationship of helping each other out. She wouldn’t have offered in such a specific way if she didn’t meant it.

Try to not give in to this way of thinking as it could ruin the lovely relationships you’ve got in your life. She’s offered. Just say thank you very much. End of. Stop being indulgent to your negative thoughts about yourself.

Agree with all PP. This is what family and friends do for one another, in a heartbeat. It’s awful that your upbringing hasn’t taught you that, and how to accept kindness from others. And as PP have said, most of us like doing helpful things for others when we can. If I was your SIL in this situation and you refused the offer and took the bus instead I’d be very hurt and offended.

Sending big unMumsnetty hugs. 💐

You are overthinking this:

You need the help and she wants to help. It’s as simple as that.

She’s doing what most people would do for family and friends. Your mother is the outlier here.

Thanks everyone I will certainly take her up on her offer.

We get along very well and she is a large part of our family life.

I'm not even going to write down the negative things I am telling myself because I know they are not true. After 2 yrs of therapy I am really getting there.

It's mostly a worry about putting someone out. But ye are right. She wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to

I love helping the people I love. I'm sure you're a lovely person and she's pleased she can do something for you to help with this horrible situation.

I’m glad you’re going to take her offer of a lift and to wait for you.
She obviously cares about you and you deserve to be looked after a bit on what will no doubt be a difficult day.

I think it’s lovely that she wants to do this, I would definitely want to do the same for my sister-in-law. I would take it that she’s showing you that she likes you, and that she regards you as a member of her family.

If she offered completely of her own volition, without any hinting or obligation, which is exactly what it sounds like, then she is absolutely happy to do it OP. Perhaps she's actually looking forward to a bit of change of scene if she WFH most of the time, or the opportunity to pop to the city to do her 'bits.' Either way, it sounds like she genuinely wants to help, so you shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. I'm sure you would/have paid it back if needed.

Sounds like you have a wonderful SIL