AIBU to tell a colleague her husband is on Tinder?

[Workdilemma111]

Yesterday I saw a colleagues husband on Tinder. His pictures were recent and his profile was verified so definitely him. Same name (which is quite an unusual one). We've met a couple of times, but I don't think he'd recognise me. His profile said he was "still figuring it out" and one of his pictures had his wedding ring in plain sight.

My XH was caught on Tinder by a colleague who told me she'd seen him on there and it ended my marriage. I'm so glad she told me. This was a long time ago now, but I've never kept it secret that that is why I'm divorced.

I know I need to tell her, but we work very closely and I don't want to make things awkward.

How would you tell her? ChatGPT told me to create an email address and tell her anonymously so she won't know it's me. We just had a conversation last week about how much better things were between them so definitely not split.

I'm working away until tomorrow so haven't seen her, but I know I need to tomorrow.

AIBU to tell her? Or should I keep out of it?

I think that post would only really be comparable to this one if OP was considering mentioning this matter to a safeguarding lead at their place of work, instead of her colleague directly. That seems to be why so many people on that thread were calling the man in question a busybody - it's a massive leap to see someone you know has made a dating profile and assume they're vulnerable and report it to an authority figure, instead of mentioning it to them directly or the person you think may be getting cheated on. That man also thought it was possible the woman in question had had her identity stolen, which makes his decision not to involve her directly even more bizarre.

I don't think the OP asked advice on whether it was ok to consult Chat GPT?

Honestly, some people.......

Tell her. When my ex-husband cheated on me, he did it right in front of my sister’s then boyfriend when he was out with my ex-husband. He came home from their night out and told my sister, who told my mum. They had to break the news which was awful but I’m glad they did because it would have been even more humiliating knowing that people knew when I didn’t.

I'd assume they were splitting or separated or open. I think the fact you found out your husband cheated in this way is making you think you can have the same affect on your colleague by telling them. That it will work out the same way.

But it could be something they're fully aware of. They're a colleague not a friend.

I would start with ‘may I speak with you privately? I am sorry to bring it up, and I will never mention it again, but I believe I’ve seen your husband’s profile on a dating app, and I thought you should know. I am not going to ask any questions about your private business, but I am here for you if you need any support.’

Yes I agree with this approach

OP mentioned that she'd asked AI for advice. I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell her that it's a bad idea to do so. And that was pretty much borne out by the crap advice that it gave her

It depends if this is just a colleague or a friend. I'm very good friends with some of my colleagues and I'd definitely want them to tell me. I'd feel hurt and humiliated if they knew and didn't mention it. If it's a colleague you only have a working relationship with, tread very carefully. It's highly likely someone close to her will also see the profile and break the news - it doesn't have to be you.

Sorry for lack of replies, I’ve been driving back from my work trip.

We are very friendly and chat openly with each other about our relationships and family life, which is how I know that they’re definitely still together and definitely not in an open marriage, but I wouldn’t say we’re friends. We don’t socialise out of work.

I don’t want to be outing, but there has been difficulties between them because her parents weren’t supportive of them as a couple but he had won them over, they come from very different backgrounds. We had been alone in the office last Friday and we’d been chatting and she said things were good between them just now. She’s never mentioned if she would tolerate cheating but she’s a very classy person and I don’t think she would.

Sorry for asking AI, I was just thinking on my laptop because I had no one to speak to about it and I really don’t want to tell anyone in real life. Sometimes writing it down helps - hence why I asked on here.

As I’ve personally been on the receiving end of this news, I will tell her but I will do it privately and quietly, no big drama and let her know I’ll never breathe a word. We’re both WFH tomorrow, and she lives near me so I might pop round with a coffee and tell her then.

I'm gutted. I don’t want to be the one to tell her…..why do men think they’ll get away with this?! It’s so risky.

It is hard but def tell her but gently , in private and reassure her that you haven’t told anyone else but that she needs to know

I like CornishTiger's approach. I would just add that I hadn't gone looking for it and found it by chance, but having seen it I felt I had to tell her.

Try and tell her in person at the end of the day. Then she can go straight home and deal with the news. Is there a place outside you can do it?

This sums it up perfectly I wouldn't change any word

Id leave well alone. This has nothing to do with you.

I like this approach too.

I told her, she was a little bit teary but appreciated me telling her. They had discussed separating last week but hadn't made any firm choices yet so this is the final nail in the coffin. She didn't want to see the screenshots and took me at my word. I said I would keep them and if she wants them at any point I will send them on to her. She said she was lying to me last week when we were chatting because she didn't want anyone to know before her children, which is fair.

We decided that we are friends, as well as colleagues, and she's so glad to know she has people around her supporting her and wanting the best for her.

It was so hard, but she was very grateful.

@Workdilemma111 glad it went as well as it could for you and her. Well done for handling it so well. She may well want to see the screenshots later so do keep them.
She is so lucky to have you in her corner. Good luck to both of you moving forward.

Id screenshot it, print it out and put it in an envelope with a note saying you very much hope that she is already aware of this
That you dont want to embarrass her and won't bring it up unless she wants to diclscuss it but in case hes a lying POS you didn't want to ignore it. (Probabably slightly nicer than that!)

The OP has already told her now

That must have been tough
You're a good friend

You were brave to tell her, OP. I wish people had told me. She's in a much stronger position now. If they're discussing splitting up anyway then he may well be telling her she's the problem. It gives her a bit of ammunition if he does do that.

If it was a close friend, I would say something, but not to a work colleague. You could be opening up a whole Pandora's Box jeopardising your work relationship and your job.

What a kind and generous friend you are and well done for doing the right thing, even if it's the hard thing. 💐 to you as well for going through something yourself and sharing that compassion with someone in the same position.

It wasn't me but a friend of mine whose whole friendship group knew (not a group I was in) and no-one told her. She felt betrayed by him and then everyone else too. It's so hard to tell someone but always the right thing to do.

Well done @Workdilemma111
That was a very hard thing to do.
Many years ago my dh and I tried to warn a friend.
Her husband was having an affair.
One of many, we now think.
it wasn’t appreciated.
However eventually the scales fell from her eyes.
The prison sentence helped.
He was embezzling money from friends (though not us- we hadn’t any) and family.