AIBU to tell a colleague her husband is on Tinder?

[Workdilemma111]

Yesterday I saw a colleagues husband on Tinder. His pictures were recent and his profile was verified so definitely him. Same name (which is quite an unusual one). We've met a couple of times, but I don't think he'd recognise me. His profile said he was "still figuring it out" and one of his pictures had his wedding ring in plain sight.

My XH was caught on Tinder by a colleague who told me she'd seen him on there and it ended my marriage. I'm so glad she told me. This was a long time ago now, but I've never kept it secret that that is why I'm divorced.

I know I need to tell her, but we work very closely and I don't want to make things awkward.

How would you tell her? ChatGPT told me to create an email address and tell her anonymously so she won't know it's me. We just had a conversation last week about how much better things were between them so definitely not split.

I'm working away until tomorrow so haven't seen her, but I know I need to tomorrow.

AIBU to tell her? Or should I keep out of it?

Please tell her gently.
She will find out one day and it would be worse if she knew you knew and didn't say anything.
What a horrible position for you to be in though x

Thank you, I was told gently when it happened to me, so I want to be the same for her. I just don't know how to do it. I screenshot everything so I have it on my phone and I haven't told a soul - it's eating me alive and last night I got hardly any sleep. They have 2 young DC and he is very hands on. I don't want to keep it from her, I just don't know what to say

Tell her absolutely. It’s doing the right thing. Otherwise the humiliation for her longer term is horrendous. I like the idea of an anonymous email.

Definitely tell her.

You sound like a lovely friend so I am sure you will find a kind way to do it.

invite her to yours, tell her you have something awful to tell her. Show her the evidence, take screenshots and send to her as well. Be there for her when shes upset.

Tell her gently.

Id actually start with I have found something very personal to your marriage and I don’t want to presume anything but wanted to talk to you about what I’ve found. You don’t have to tell me anything but I wanted to let you know what I’ve seen so if you aren’t aware of it before now you can make your decisions accordingly.

is it possible they have split and you don’t know? Or have an open relationship

Please tell her, as someone said she will find out eventually and I would be utterly humiliated if I found out others knew. You won't be wrecking their marriage, he is doing that all by himself.

No, definitely together. We had a conversation late last week about them going away for the weekend without the kids

I know, and I felt humiliated when it happened to me, I just don't want things to be awkward between us at work

Please don’t do it anonymously. As someone who was on the receiving end of that, it’s awful. You don’t know who it has come from which makes it so much harder to trust it’s real. It adds a whole extra level of stress to an already stressful situation

Please don't do it anonymously.
If you are going to share what you have found out, don't make her even more confused by wondering who else knows, just tell her honestly and kindly.

Ok, I take it on board....I think I'll just need to suck it up and tell her myself. I hate this! I hate that he's put me in this position

I'd tell her but in a way that she can save face if she feels the need (the shame is absolutely not hers). Something like ' I was on tinder last night and Jeff's profile is still up there' - laugh and move on.

Maybe they're in an open marriage but more likely he's a cheating loser.

I agree with this.

I like the way this is worded, but o wonder if it might be an idea to pause after the first sentence and ask if she wants you to go on.

She might already know and they are working through whatever issues they have.

How difficult.

I'd keep well out of it

I am sure anyone would want to know about their Dh if this was the case, I imagine even Justaquestion would actually want to know!

Keep well out of it, this isn't a friend it's someone where you work. A work colleague. It will either all go wrong or she will turn on you for interfering.
At work I see nothing and hear nothing. I just get on with my job.
I'd be livid if any of my work colleagues interfered with my private life.

I disagree - OP has screenshots she can attach to the email so her colleague will have black and white evidence. OP, you want to do the right thing and let her know, and of course that's the right thing to do, but no good deed goes unpunished and you have no idea how she will react to receiving this news. Sometimes people shoot the messenger so you need to consider how to protect yourself from being collateral damage, especially since you work with her.

Please do tell her, but don’t do it anonymously. I got an anonymous message telling me of my Xh’s affair, and whilst I was so glad to have confirmation of my suspicions I am plagued ten years later by who sent it, and who knew

But definitely tell her

Please please treat this with extreme caution and consider saying nothing. Early in what was a promising career, I had a similar situation albeit not tinder where I gently and emphatically showed a colleague what I assumed was evidence of her DH cheating.

Unbeknown to me, she was fully aware and it was an arrangement they had between themselves. She took it as me spreading malicious gossip which resulted in HR being involved with grievances and it all became incredibly toxic to the point I was forced out.

To this day I wish I’d kept my mouth shut and minded my own business, trying to do what i thought was the right thing in my mind cost me a lot and was very painful.

I know everyone is saying to tell her bit really we don’t know other people’s business so please consider carefully. If it was a close friend or family I would say something but a colleague absolutely not.

sorry you’re in this position x

Don't ask fucking ChatGPT about this sort of thing, for god's sake.

Personally, I'd only tell her if she was a good friend as well as a colleague.

Well I'd say tell. But on another post, when a man was genuinely concerned about a Tinder post, thinking a woman was at risk, and reported it to a DSL/safeguarder, lots of people said he was a busybody!

I would want to know (whether abuse was suspected, or just cheating), but would said it as a simple statement "I saw X. Don't know if it's any of my business, and I won't say another word if you don't, but in your shoes, I'd want someone to talk to me".

Interesting, there is another thread where some friend of the OP had seen the wife of someone from a sports club on a dating app and was worried she had been cloned or something so told someone and every reply on that thread is saying he is a nosy gossip yet everyone on this thread says tell the friend. 🙄

Whether MN deems someone nosy or not you should always tell the friend.

Cheaters need blowing out of the water.