AIBU to feel lonely and forgotten as the last friend with young children?

[SundayMay]

Just needing a bit of advice really and possibly a little hand hold. Or brutal honesty to snap me out of this feeling.

For context, I am mid 30's, married 10 years and have two children (4 and 2). I truly love our family unit and couldn't have asked for a more supportive husband.

But I'm lonely. I was the last to have kids in my friendship groups and I feel I've been forgotten about a bit? I appreciate everyone's in different phases, teenage hormones etc. I just feel a bit disappointed because I was there for them whether it was just popping in for a chat, bringing dinner with me, going out to the park with them. None of that has been reciprocated and its just making me feel a bit sad.

Is this just a normal phase of life? Do you tend to make more friends as you get older? We also don't have as big a village as our friends had so when they had the option of babysitters every weekend, we don't have that.

I have met a few "Mum friends" but again, life just gets in the way. They returned to work full time, I went back only 12 hours so my maternity leave life didn't change much.

I then look at what I do have and wonder why I'm not content enough with just that. A genuinely happy home!

AIBU to feel a bit sorry for myself as I navigate through this stage of life? x

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate your input.

I think finding myself a hobby is a good idea. I don't really do anything for myself. Not much on offer in our small town but it won't hurt to try.

Friendships often have to take a back seat temporarily when kids come along. Even if the kids are all the same age, they might not get on, so meet-ups are limited.

And people have busy lives. When your friends had young kids, you were childless and had time to spend with them. Now you’ve got young kids, your friends aren’t suddenly childless. They’ve got older kids, and trust me, teens can be just as time consuming and exhausting as toddlers!

Some of my friends had kids before me, some after, and some not at all. What I did was keep the friendships ticking over, on a reduced frequency, but still there. Then as the kids get older, you can pick the friendships up again.

And you’ll definitely make new friends when your 4 year old starts school. I assume you’ve either deferred his entry, or you’re not in England, because most 4 year olds in England will be starting in a couple of weeks.

Do you think them not reciprocating what you did is reflective of a wider theme in your friendship or just a one off?

I would raise it with them if they're good friends, otherwise you're going to feel resentful.

I'm one of the last in my group to have small kids and rarely see friends as everyone's busy (best friend I see 2-3 times a year) so I can relate to the loneliness (not yet having the same rapport with newer friends) but I must as admit my friends have been thoughtful about gifts etc.

Tbh now my kids are young adults and I’m working full time, I find it really difficult to have any time to myself so spending my day off with my friends who’ve carried on having kids or who have young children isn’t what I want do
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Thst said, they don’t want to do evenings out or whatever because of bedtimes and routines so we are probably just out of step. It’s just different life phases and sadly people do outgrow each other

You probably need to find some friends through a hobby or something that has nothing to do with children. Having had 4 kids I made lots of friends and had plenty of social get togethers. The few that have lasted are those friendships where we had something in common outside of having kids in the same class.

I had my children young so I'm in the teen & pre teen stage, many of friends are just having babies now. I must admit I don't have the patience I once had we're at totally different stages and my kids don't want to be entertaining young kids. Find some new friends.

I could have written this. I’m definitely the one with the youngest kids in my group and several of my friends have moved away or emigrated so have new groups of friends and I’m left here with only a few people I’d class as more acquaintances than friends. I try to keep in touch but it’s often one word answers and a meet up every 5/6 months. I’m lonely but also overwhelmed working full time and having two (soon to be 3) kids. My eldest starts school this year and I’m hoping to make some new local mum friends then, especially as I’ll be on mat leave. It’s really hard to make friends as adults.

Hi OP,

Ive seen this happen a lot across friendship groups & families. So, before one friend (or sister/cousin) has children, she gives a lot of time to her friends with children. She then has children when their’s are teens, and gets nothing back. Zero - no advice, no babysitting, no quality time.

And I understand the friends with teens are still busy - but theyre out of the trenches. They just seem to totally forget about “the last mum”. I don’t really understand it. Everyone talks about “the village” but parents need to be active members of the village too - it cant just be comprised of childless women and grandparents.

So, i guess my point is, OP, that this isnt personal. It’s a widespread phenomenon. It is something that seems to be entrenched in societal norms as opposed to being any indication of how your friends feel about you.

It’s what happens with different life stages.

People with small children always need friendships to work around their lives, so are better being friends with people at the same life stage as them.

In my 20s and 30s i calmly walked away from any friends who got pregnant - it was so much easier on both sides than trying to juggle different priorities.

I was the first to have friends and I remember feeling lonely but really my friends didn’t get it and were too busy enjoying themselves. There was a point where we all had young kids and it was great but then I was also the last to have a baby (several years after ) and I found it was even harder as everyone was back at work full time busy with careers / family.