AIBU to feel lonely and forgotten as the last friend with young children?

[SundayMay]

Just needing a bit of advice really and possibly a little hand hold. Or brutal honesty to snap me out of this feeling.

For context, I am mid 30's, married 10 years and have two children (4 and 2). I truly love our family unit and couldn't have asked for a more supportive husband.

But I'm lonely. I was the last to have kids in my friendship groups and I feel I've been forgotten about a bit? I appreciate everyone's in different phases, teenage hormones etc. I just feel a bit disappointed because I was there for them whether it was just popping in for a chat, bringing dinner with me, going out to the park with them. None of that has been reciprocated and its just making me feel a bit sad.

Is this just a normal phase of life? Do you tend to make more friends as you get older? We also don't have as big a village as our friends had so when they had the option of babysitters every weekend, we don't have that.

I have met a few "Mum friends" but again, life just gets in the way. They returned to work full time, I went back only 12 hours so my maternity leave life didn't change much.

I then look at what I do have and wonder why I'm not content enough with just that. A genuinely happy home!

AIBU to feel a bit sorry for myself as I navigate through this stage of life? x

Make the effort to meet with new friends as well as your old friends sometimes and also hire a couple of their teenagers as babysitters sometimes.
They would love it.

Yanbu. Adapting always takes a bit of time.

I was desperately lonely during/after maternity leave. For various reasons I was home for another year and I hated it. Other people are busy with their lives, all my family & friends had busy professional lives so I went back to work full time when ds as two. I gained my childminder as a close friend and I was a better, happier mum evenings and weekends, able to really enjoy my ds.
You’ll find a way that works for you. Don’t discount options, keep trying different things until you feel more comfortable & supported.

How old are your friends children? It’s likely they are just really busy. In my friendship group since school there’s 4 of us, we all have children ranging from 3 months- 21 years. We meet up once every 6-8 weeks at best. I only just manage to get tea on the table for my lot never mind taking it for someone else.

Do you have a partner? When we meet we tend to go early evening for something to eat normally on a week night so it doesn’t impact the weekend. Maybe suggest that. We’ve found the what’s app poll’s a game changer trying to arrange a date.

If you’ve got spare time I’d try and arrange some meet ups. Life is busy- especially when your children were older, I’m literally a taxi to every club under the sun if I’m not working.

Is your 4 year old at school yet? School can be a good way to make new friends who are at a similar stage to you .

You are totally right, everyone is so busy and i definitely dont expect dinner to be brought round in case I came across that way. It's just more that I was there for them, granted childfree at the time. Youngest is 9 and then the oldest is 19 across a few friends all having a two kids each.

I feel I'm always the one asking to meet up for a walk and sometimes it's a yes and others it's too busy.

I think I need help to not take it personally. Just because I have a certain outlook on how a friendship should be doesn't mean I am right and they are wrong. If that makes sense?

Do you tend to forget how hard having young kids is as they get older? Although contradicting myself because having teenagers is also hard, I get it. They are out every weekend which I just can't do at the minute but Im not sure they understand that.

Hello.

No, not yet! Next year. And we are also looking to move to a new town so maybe another good opportunity to meet people.

You don’t forget how hard young kids are. You just learn how hard it is having teenagers too, albeit in a totally different way.

although I don’t think “hard” is the right word. Probably more “wholly encompassing”.

The thing is if you asked me today to go for a walk today/tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to. With work and commitments with kids it would likely be next Saturday or even the Saturday after. Sometimes meeting up takes 2-3 weeks for the stars to align and a date become available.

Are you not being invited on the trips out every weekend by your close friends? Do you have a partner? You don’t need to go all day/night, just a couple of hours? Perhaps your friends are just doing things you don’t fancy doing?

Life is hard and busy regardless how old your children are. You probably feel it more only working 12 hours. Lots of free time.

Oh I feel so sorry for you. But it is hard to meet up just on the same weekend when you have teens and organising who has to be where when and they all need to be different places at the same time feels like a military operation.

if it’s any consolation, I felt the same as you but I was the first to have a child by almost ten years (I had DS when I was 15).

look forward to your move and try to make an actual effort to make friends there - don’t just expect it to happen but have a plan, maybe?

I can really relate to this. I did an awful lot for friends and family over the years with young children, I was hands on and so supportive. Helping out, had peoples kids overnight at mine or I stayed at theirs. Took kids for days out. ‘Entertained’ them at large family gatherings, I did love it and wouldn’t change it. Now we have small children, it hasn’t been reciprocated by any of them because there older kids now have weekends full of parties/club commitments, they are dealing with other teenage issues. I know at the time they appreciated all the time and support I gave them. We are still friends and meet but I certainly don’t get back the same. I think they aren’t in a position to do the same, whereas at the time I helped I could so it’s just the way it is. My brother for example I helped him on a weekly basis, often last minute. Did so much. Might now get a 30 min visit once from him every 3 months if we are lucky. At first made new friends through antenatal classes, then playgroup mum friends, then everyone went back to work different days so had to navigate that. As kids started to make friends at nursery and get party invites we’ve made lots of friends this way too. Some of these new friendships have really stuck. We use various paid babysitters. I think the first few years the different friendships are constantly evolving until you are all settled at school.

I do try and plan things in advance, I've even suggested meeting at my friends son's football practice which we have done a couple of times to make it easier for my friend.

I'm not really asked to social events they have at weekends. They don't do things together either, they tend to do things with other circles so it's not that I'm being left out. Whether it's work friends, mum friends etc.

I just feel I'm the one checking in with everybody else and nobody is checking in on me. Its hard not to take it personally. Although, totally take the feedback onboard about having a lot of spare time which I do albeit it's with a 4 year old and 2 year old with me constantly (my 4 year old only goes to nursery in the morning).

I do have a husband who is great and an even better Dad.

Sorry probably replying to a few people in one post here x

I have 4 kids - the oldest 2 are ND and quite complicated and honestly, I yearn for the days of having 2 small ones. Life is unbelievably chaotic and sometimes just lacking joy - teenagers are so so much harder work than my 8 year old and consume most of my time and energy.

my other 3 are 15-20 and it is so simple and lovely when I hang out with my friends whose eldest are 8 but I just simply don’t have time most of the time. Don’t take it personally - my experience isn’t everyone’s but most of my friends with teenagers agree that life is exponentially busier and harder dealing with logistics and emotions kids of that age than little ones - I suspect that is what is happening.

Ahh this sounds exactly how I feel! Thank you! My two will only be 1 year apart in school so hopefully that's where we meet new people.

At the risk of sounding like I have a big ego 😂, I really do feel like I'm a good person and a good friend so it's just hard not taking things personally and sort of doubting myself.

But when I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I totally understand everyone is just busy and that's all it comes down to. It just feels like everyone has someone but then I would consider my husband my best friend. We have fun together and laugh together so maybe I should be more thankful for that?

Thank you! I've just said in another reply that when I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself (😂), I totally understand people are busy. Myself included.

I think the move will be good for us. We have both always lived in the same town so going a bit further afield is maybe the change we need.

It’s hard when friends are across circles. Hopefully, when you move you’ll find a friendship group. It’s so tough when your this age to make solid friendships. Everybody is over consumed in family life and putting time and effort into new friendships feels like too much.

My advice would be to try and nurture and build on the friendships you already have. At the end of meet ups I say ‘shall we get a date in now to meet again?’ It sounds like you’ve been friends with them for a really long time if you were there for them when they had children so there must be something solid there? You see so many threads of ladies our age who have lost all contact with friends and struggle to meet new ones.

FWIW I tend to be the organiser of meets in my group. But I work shifts and tend to be the tricky one to fit in. One girl always sorts out transport if we go anywhere, I suppose we all have our ‘roles’ after over 30 years!

Thank you for this. It's nice to just gain a bit of perspective ❤️

I really do love being at home with my two and don't really see myself going back to work full time so I understand my choices are also separating me from having that friendship groups.

They are great friends and I know if I actually approached them about how I feel, they would have a chat about it and reassure me. I just don't want to bring it up because I know it's a "me issue".

I've always been the organiser so if I don't suggest something, it just won't get done. The same with a message, I'm generally the first one who reaches out. That's when I take it personally thinking oh maybe they don't want to do something or don't want to chat, when in reality they are just innocently waiting on me to do it.

I think it’s hard as your lives just have different rhythms now. When they had wee ones and you were child free, you’d fit in with them. Having children at hugely different stages is just harder. Mine are 10/13 and we have a couple friends with toddlers. I try to see them every few months on their own as obviously the kids have 0 interest in each other.

@SundayMay i have a 6 & 9 year old and I’m a lot busier now than I was when they were young, the shorter days (school finishes at 3.30) is a real killer, then all the kids activities and sports. It’s never ending! Try not to take it personally, it’s a tough season for everyone.

I think the issue is you have always been the one more free with time.
When they had their children you were the one without so were able to be flexible and meet up when they suggested anything or to offer help. It sounds like these are your only friends too, so while since having children they went on to make other friends you stuck to them.
Now they have new friends and are busy, you often see from posts about people being taxis for their kids taking them to various clubs etc. You are still the one with time on your hands which is why it is hard.
Also without being mean, sometimes it is just down to different life stages. They are likely to have forgotten what it's like with toddlers and find that stuff boring as they are out of those days. A meet up with you is harder work, as you have to monitor the kids constantly whereas with their teens you can socialise with friends while the kids do their own thing.

I think focusing on making new friends would help. When your eldest starts school join the PTA for example.

This is pretty much what I was going to say.

You've always had more time, don't mentally punish them for something they didn't actively choose. They didn't choose you having kids later and only working 12 hours.

Assume these are local friends? Your friends, or both your and DH’s?

If the former what’s stopping you joining their more ‘adult’ weekend things while DH parents the DC?

It seems like you gave a lot of your time to and did things for your friends when they had DC and you didn’t, this hasn’t been reciprocated.

I think that is different from them not reciprocating your contact and social invitations.

If you still enjoy their company and they reciprocate contact, organise things etc that could work. You say though that they don’t, so it could be worth conversations with a couple of ones you like best and trust about what might work better for you.

Wouldn’t stop trying to connect with at least some of the friends and make new ones, however fantastic your DH is.

I think it’s hard when you have toddlers to imagine how much of your life is taken up with driving older kids and teens around to various activities etc. plus work expectations. I find having older kids far more exhausting than young ones. They probably haven’t forgotten you, just have absolutely no time.

it’s never too late to make new friends. Have a look for local groups for parents, what about a new activity eg yoga etc

I think the key is that when they had young kids, you were often available

But your friends aren't often available now, due to their own children. And teens often require more input than younger children, IMHO

I wouldn't worry too much

I’ve been quite surprised at finding common ground with mums of kids in my youngest’s year group.

More are actually, strangely, my actual age (older parents) than my eldest. The rest are only just turning 40 but seem to be more similar to me and up for a laugh than parents I met via my eldest son.

I made lots of life long friends in my late 20s via a hobby. My own mother did in her 60s via dog walking - a group of women just became mates via walking their dogs locally.

It’s hard to go through the transition phases. Stay true to your own identity and the things that bring you joy during this time and then when you move and your youngest is at school I’m sure you’ll find new people and new friends