To think it’s almost impossible to have a successful relationship

[sugarplumlily]

I’m in my fifties and have been married over ten years. I had many failed relationships before my marriage. My marriage has been through some serious tests (bereavement, illness, financial). It’s still survives through a combination of effort and what I consider luck.

To me it feels like it is almost impossible to find a partner and it to last. These are the things a relationship needs to start in the first place and last, and I just don’t think it’s an achievable thing:

1. You have to fancy the person. But even if you start off doing that the changes of that changing are high - body changes, aging teeth, no teeth, bad dress sense
2. One you might suddenly want to drink more or less that is add odds with the other
3. You have unequal wealth/salaries. Or you start if the sane but one gets wealthier and this causes issues
4. You have mismatched sex drives and even if you start off the same, menopause is going to shrivel your bits and turn your love canal into a strip of sandpaper
5. Every family has a dickhead in it, or disordered toxic person giving somewhere. Long term one of you just can’t tolerate them any longer.
6. One is a safer and one is a spender. Problem.
7. One likes hot weather and one likes cold. Problem.
8. One listens to hip hop the other listens to classical music. Problem.
9. It’s hard living with an extrovert if you are introvert and vice versa.
10. In every couple, one is cleaner and tidier than the other.
11. Even if you defeat the odds of all the above and meet, survive for years, you can get your bottom dollar your partner will announce something like ‘I’ve always wanted to wear your knickers” on your 30th anniversary or something.

It’s a miracle we find someone that matches us in the first place, and an even bigger miracle if it lasts long long term. AIBU?

Exactly that! It’s a gauntlet!

No. But for example my DM got dementia and she was terrible to me for years because of the personality changes. I didn’t love her any less, but I definitely liked her less and our relationship was torn apart because of it. I know people who have spouses with dementia. Outside of actual illnesses causing changes, if my DH suddenly starting acting like a different person I’d be unhappy. For example, I didn’t sign up or fall in love with a cross dresser so if he suddenly announced that I’d be very unhappy and get the ick. If that makes me a bad person then I guess I am 🤷‍♀️

You have to fancy the person. But even if you start off doing that the changes of that changing are high - body changes, aging teeth, no teeth, bad dress sense
Exactly, we change. So why is lust number one on your list? If your relationship's foundation is lust, the rleationship will absolutely fall apart once the lust is gone. Whereas if the relationship is build on genuine love, admiration, respect, loyalty, partnership...people in such relationships usually don't loose attraction for one another despite bodily changes. It really is true that when your relationship is genuine and real, you don't see your partner's flaws with age as unattractive. On the contrary, many people in such couples mention that they feel MORE attraction towards their partner with age.

One you might suddenly want to drink more or less that is add odds with the other
If a relationship revolves around drinking, you're doomed from the get-go, yes. Why is that a revelation to you? Alcohol never brings the best out in people or rleationships. Consuming it doesn't help relationships last, quite the contrary. It's not the sudden change in drinking habits that's the problem, it's the habit itself.

You have unequal wealth/salaries. Or you start if the sane but one gets wealthier and this causes issues
Not really. Only if you're in a modern 50/50 relationship where the roles and responsibilities are blurred and unequally divided. I don't recommend any women to be in such a relationship.

You have mismatched sex drives and even if you start off the same, menopause is going to shrivel your bits and turn your love canal into a strip of sandpaper
And good men will understand the changes you're going through, see your suffering and will want stand by your side through it all. All men I know would drop absolutely everything to be there for their wife. It's the norm in many families, and in many cultures.

Every family has a dickhead in it, or disordered toxic person giving somewhere. Long term one of you just can’t tolerate them any longer.
Sure, but that's what setting boundaries are there for: people like this. It's your responsibility to draw the line and keep people behind it.

One is a safer and one is a spender. Problem.
True. That's why you discuss finances as early and openly as possible in the dating process, instead of yapping on about dumb things like music preferences and favourite foods. The dating period is the time to make expectations and boundaries clear, share ambitions and goals, and watch out for any sign that the person you're dating acts upon his words - not just doing a whole lot of empty talking. If he does that, you can bin him off early instead of wasting years of your life on him, learning these basic facts about your partner 3 years and a baby down the line.

One likes hot weather and one likes cold. Problem.
Why? I genuinely don't understand this "problem".

One listens to hip hop the other listens to classical music. Problem.
Seriously, why? Who CARES about this?

It’s hard living with an extrovert if you are introvert and vice versa.
It doesn't have to be. It's only a problem if you make it a problem. Which it sounds like you do.

In every couple, one is cleaner and tidier than the other.
Sure, but it's your responsibility to choose a partner who has common decency and tidies up after himself at the very least. You can't teach a man this habit, he either has the inclination or he doesn't. Choose one who does.

Even if you defeat the odds of all the above and meet, survive for years, you can get your bottom dollar your partner will announce something like ‘I’ve always wanted to wear your knickers” on your 30th anniversary or something.
What kind of men have you been hanging around...?

Very few of these are my problems. They are the complaints from others around me. You sound very smug though as if you think anyone who ends up in an unhappy relationship it’s their own fault, whereas you are superior and too clever to end up in such a predicament

I think it really depends on personality types and how willing each person is to compromise for the other. I’ve given up on dating tbh, I’m a single mum and my only childcare is when I’m working or gigging on weekends (I’m a weekend musician) - every other time I have my kids and there is no way I’m having any man around my children unless they are genuinely a friend, never anyone I’m dating, so it doesn’t leave much room. I tend to have a few online chats with people and give up 😂

Sorry but your post has really made me laugh. You’ve really thought it all through carefully 😂

I take issue with the description of the menopausal love canal as sandpaper. It is more like a paper bag full of glass shards.

I think there’s an evolutionary reason most long term couples get together in their 20s & 30s when they’re still full of energy and hormones and teeth and hair.

Then by the time life tests them with loss or misfortune, or broader incompatibilities emerge, they are too tired or financially stuck to split so they either find ways to make it work (unexpectedly deepening their bond in some rare cases), or resign themselves to resentment and lovelessness.

Your list items are not all important though. For some people they only need to tick 3/4 of those boxes.

@LejlaKapovic 's post doesn't come across like that to me, at all.

You asked "AIBU to think it’s almost impossible to have a successful relationship" and people (incl Lejla) are responding to you. That doesn't make any of us 'smug'. We are just disagreeing with your pronouncement, and offering our own experiences.

Can't agree. I have a very successful relationship, 30 years now. I know many couples like us.

We've had our difficulties and hard times , but the thing is we genuinely enjoy each others company and prioritise time spent together. He's my best friend and my ride or die, and I'm his.
So we're older and fatter and looser and balder, so what? I've earned more or he has or one of us hasn't earned at all...never an issue. None of your points matter at all when you're with the right person.

It's not a unicorn 🤷

Lots of those statements could be true of DH and I (at one time or another)... we've been together over 30 years.

Anyone having problems with the menopausal ‘love canal’ investigate the e-string. No hassle vaginal destroyed. My bits are going to be young/normal for ever 🤩

Most of the things you list are not big problems if you love each other and have respect and empathy for the other person.

You’ve been married for ten years, that seems successful to me!

I know so many women who really struggle with dating of varying ages. What I find interesting is that the older they get, the worse the men are, which really suprised me because I thought the older 60 plus range would want companionship but many just want sex.

Honestly some of the stories ive heard, id rather stay single forever than enter the dating scene again for the reasons you stated above. No one could even compare to my partner so I wouldnt waste my time

We have quite a few of those issues in our relationship. The key is being individuals and pursuing our own interests while also meeting in the middle with shared interests. Compromise. Putting each other first at times. We’ve been ticking along nicely since 2009, not without issues, but nothing insurmountable either. The duvet is MINE though. 😬

Nah. Been very happily married for 30 years. You’re overthinking it. It shouldn’t be hard.

I’m the only divorced person amongst my friendship groups (mid 40s) I would say that 90% of them are in successful marriages. Are they challenging sometimes, yes, but they are still genuinely happily married.

I settled and it didn’t work. Now with someone who it works with, we aren’t identical, but we compromise and bring out the best in each other. I’m a much more “everything will be alright person”, but I like that he balances that with a much more guarded sensible approach to things

edited because my phone posted mid sentence!

I’m feeling like this right now. It’s our anniversary today and I’m rethinking the relationship. We’re just too different. We never do anything. I love him so much and I can’t understand why he never wants to do anything. He wanted a flat I want a house. I want to drive he doesn’t. I want to go on holiday he doesn’t. I know I want kids he doesn’t know if he does. I want to be married one day he hates wearing suits. I want to do xyz he wants to do none of it. It’s so sad because I want to make memories with him and he just thinks being there is enough. He’s such a kind man. Never raises his voice, treats me with respect, great in bed. BUT. it’s always the but isn’t it. Sad.

Re your first point about needing to fancy the person, yes true but your body will age and change too.

It depends on your definition of success.

If by success you mean finding someone who is totally compatible with you in every possible way and who you remain passionately in love with after decades then yes this is as rare as a unicorn.

But most people define a successful relationship as a good enough compromise with someone who shares enough of your interests and values to not be a complete alien but also has their own life. Someone with whom you will have some friction but resolvable friction.

The question obviously is at what point you are compromising so much that you have ceased to be happy. Many people get to this point.

But there is no such thing as a long term relationship with no compromise.

The menopause sex bit, you know there are so many things for that! Don’t suffer.

I'll use your list to discuss DH and myself.

1. You have to fancy the person. But even if you start off doing that the changes of that changing are high - body changes, aging teeth, no teeth, bad dress sense 15 years in and I still fancy him... he still dresses like the 21 year old I met, but will dress appropriately for the situation when called. He isn't a muscley as he was when we met, I'm a lot softer after having children. He shows me he still fancies me
2. One you might suddenly want to drink more or less that is add odds with the other Our drinking habits have never matched, never been an issue
3. You have unequal wealth/salaries. Or you start if the sane but one gets wealthier and this causes issues We pool our wages now, so it doesn't matter, when we first started living together we proportionally paid into a joint account for bills and outgoings. He has always out earnt me, especially these days.
4. You have mismatched sex drives and even if you start off the same, menopause is going to shrivel your bits and turn your love canal into a strip of sandpaper Can't comment on this, the only time it's not matched is when the children were small/newborn and I haven't hit menopause yet
5. Every family has a dickhead in it, or disordered toxic person giving somewhere. Long term one of you just can’t tolerate them any longer. Very true, both of our families do, we avoid them for the most part... it isn't too hard
6. One is a safer and one is a spender. Problem. I am the spender, he is the saver. But we have pots - fun money, bill money, savings. It works
7. One likes hot weather and one likes cold. Problem. Compromise. You can do both types of holidays. Sometimes you have to be uncomfortable for your partner, it isn't a bad thing to step out of your comfort zone
8. One listens to hip hop the other listens to classical music. Problem. I don't see the problem here. I listen to anything and everything. Most of my music DH tolerates. Most of the time we listen to what the children choose 🤷‍♀️
9. It’s hard living with an extrovert if you are introvert and vice versa. I disagree

10. In every couple, one is cleaner and tidier than the other. Correct, but a none issue 11. Even if you defeat the odds of all the above and meet, survive for years, you can get your bottom dollar your partner will announce something like ‘I’ve always wanted to wear your knickers” on your 30th anniversary or something. Maybe he will, I wear his boxers to bed, theyre comfy.

Relationships take work, nothing is ever straightforward and easy. But as long as you keep talking, listening , trying to understand and giving eachother (yourself included) grace I can't agree that successful relationships are impossible

😆

I don’t suffer at all this problem but many of my friends do so I’m dreading it when it’s my turn