To think it’s almost impossible to have a successful relationship

[sugarplumlily]

I’m in my fifties and have been married over ten years. I had many failed relationships before my marriage. My marriage has been through some serious tests (bereavement, illness, financial). It’s still survives through a combination of effort and what I consider luck.

To me it feels like it is almost impossible to find a partner and it to last. These are the things a relationship needs to start in the first place and last, and I just don’t think it’s an achievable thing:

1. You have to fancy the person. But even if you start off doing that the changes of that changing are high - body changes, aging teeth, no teeth, bad dress sense
2. One you might suddenly want to drink more or less that is add odds with the other
3. You have unequal wealth/salaries. Or you start if the sane but one gets wealthier and this causes issues
4. You have mismatched sex drives and even if you start off the same, menopause is going to shrivel your bits and turn your love canal into a strip of sandpaper
5. Every family has a dickhead in it, or disordered toxic person giving somewhere. Long term one of you just can’t tolerate them any longer.
6. One is a safer and one is a spender. Problem.
7. One likes hot weather and one likes cold. Problem.
8. One listens to hip hop the other listens to classical music. Problem.
9. It’s hard living with an extrovert if you are introvert and vice versa.
10. In every couple, one is cleaner and tidier than the other.
11. Even if you defeat the odds of all the above and meet, survive for years, you can get your bottom dollar your partner will announce something like ‘I’ve always wanted to wear your knickers” on your 30th anniversary or something.

It’s a miracle we find someone that matches us in the first place, and an even bigger miracle if it lasts long long term. AIBU?

Relationships are about compromise, the good ones are worth it.
I am always freezing. DH is always hot. We work it out.

I get that. But the chances of aligning in the first place on all the important areas, I think is tiny.

Well I suppose it varies how you define successful - successful could be 'managing to thrive' despite or with the things you mention. Some people could not bear a romantic, sexual relationship turning into a comfortable friendship, others would call that a success. Some people think you should never exchange a cross word, others manage with it (though those who think relationships 'have to' be argumentative tend not to last IME)

Despite all that, my husband and I managed to stay together, and love each other,for 49 years, till he died.
I have many friends who have done the same.
Love through all that life threw at us, ill health, menopause, redundancies, money troubles, children, grandchildren. We worked through our problems and solved them together.

Given that the majority of people in the UK are in relationships, and there are many successful, long-term marriages, it doesn’t strike me as a particularly rare, elusive miracle.

I had a 20+ year marriage which just fizzled out. I then had a 20+ year marriage that lasted until he died. I'm now with a lovely partner.

I've never had these problems. 🤷‍♀️

We have been married for over 50 years. We have had bereavements, financial issues, health problems and we are very different people in many ways. But we have worked through everything and we still love each other very much.

I have a long marriage (we're both in our 60s)and have brought up 4 children together, been through the usual bereavements, struggle , loss of jobs, ill health and financial stress that most people face in a long life together.

At no point has it felt like it was hard work in the relationship. We have always been equal partners who have loved each other a lot, and done all we could to make the other one's life easier. Our troubles were always easier because they were shared and their was someone you could rely on to make it half as difficult as it would have been alone.

I've been fortunate, but I don't think I'm some kind of 'rare' or deluded minority. To me, that's just what marriage is. My parents have been married now for almost 70 years and still look after and care about each other.

I've been married nearly 40 years and we just adapt and grow together. I don't think problems are insurmountable if the willingness to solve them is there.

Your points are pertinent however

Attraction is more than the aesthetic, if you're attracted to the whole person changes matter less, it's the chemistry, so we're 20 years, 2 kids and various health issues in and both have fluctuates weight, hair, clothing, I juries etc. we've never not been attracted to each other.

Money- we have 1 pot, each of us has been the higher earner by double the other at various points it's all our money and we discuss purchases over around £100.

Drinking- neither of us have ever drank to excess as a rule but each of us have been very drunk while the other was sober. I once threw up red wine all over our bathroom and in the morning it was gone and a coffee and bacon sandwich was waiting for me. Same with dh when he fell asleep on the toilet and is to half carry him to bed.

Sex drive, if you believe in enthusiastic consent and only have sex when you're both properly interested and understand the needs and nuances of masturbation etc it's just not a huge deal. We've been at it daily at points and gone over a year due to illness but we've kept intimacy without sex.

He's todier, I'm cleaner, he's quieter, I'm more social. We like each other. We argue of course but we have the same values and overall life plan.

I do think we're very lucky and we're 45 so it still could go wrong of course but so far it's about communication, compromise and not holding each other to unrealistic standards. By which I mean it's not the end of the world if we're grumpy and snappy when hangry or whatever but it would be the end if someone cheated or intentionally hurt the other.

We’re the same but he’s cold and I run hot! I found a split duvet so he gets 10.5 tog and I get 4.5! There’s always a solution to most problems with a bit of compromise!

That's why you don't settle, I went on a LOT of first dated between my first boyfriend and my husband and never went on a second date until I met my husband. If I wasn't feeling it I moved on immediately. You do need to vote with your feet early.

Long, happy marriage…we’re both easy going, laugh a lot together and face any problems as a team. I bless the day I met him ❤️

You don't have to be the same to be in a relationship with someone. You just have to accept people for who they are.

Me and my husband are opposites in lots of ways but we get along fine, I've never found him difficult to live with. In fact I think it's good to have your own personality and interests.

You don’t have to align. DH & I like different things and it’s not a problem. We have our own independence and I think that makes it interesting!

Not at all, it's always been easy with DH, and yes we're older now but I never stopped fancying him - I see him as he was as well as how he is, somehow.

I do think true compatibility is rare. Among all the men I've known I think I could've been long-term compatible with 2 or 3 max, and I'm married to one of those. It's not because the rest were arseholes, indeed most men I know are brilliant - but just wouldn't have worked in a romantic relationship with me.

I also think too many people feel pressured to be in a relationship or have kids or whatever, and ignore massively obvious incompatibilities to get those things. That's on them.

That said most of your sticking points can be overcome with decent communication.

1. I think everyone knows that the aging process happens and the nature of fancying your partner changes. This feels like a non-problem for most people.
2. If one of us suddenly wanted to drink more there would obviously be something deeper going on, and we would care enough about each other to talk about it.
3. If you can't communicate honestly about money the relationship is a non-starter.
4. If you can't communicate honestly about sex the relationship is a non-starter.
5. I wouldn't want to tolerate the disordered toxic people in my family (and indeed I don't) let alone inflict them on DH. It's possible to be on the same page about this.
6. You work this out in the first month of dating.
7. Ditto
8. Ditto and in any case headphones have been invented. DH and I like a lot of the same music but in the cases where it's something the other one can't stand... door gets closed or headphones get put on. Not a problem.
9. I find the extrovert/introvert dynamic quite easy and handy at times!
10. Compromise is easy. I am the messier one. We divvy up chores and stick to our own lanes. Ensures I pull my weight (eventually, in my own way) and he knows that my chores will get done so he doesn't nag.
11. See number 4, though I can't say I'd be remotely bothered by this.

Give and take, a sense of humour, and realising nobody is going to fulfil all your needs, that's your job.

I really disagree, OP, and I think you're confusing a successful relationship for an effort-free relationship. Of course a long marriage is going to to have ups and downs but the things on your list are non-issues providing you've both got a degree of emotional maturity.

Disagree.

If you both want to make it work, you will.

The wedding vows acknowledge that there will be hard times - in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer,

A vow is a significant commitment for many people. For others, not so much.

I forgot to add, a sense of humour helps! We always found something to laugh at whatever happened.

Like everyone else who has commented (though oddly not reflected in the poll) I can't agree with you OP.

I totally agree with @Octopusk 's post at 17.09

I think you are perhaps confusing having a successful relationship with 'finding the perfect person'. I doubt very much if any of us is "perfect" throughout life, but a in a successful relationship you recognise that and work through changes together.

This is heartening to read about all the great relationships where many of the above points are not a problem. I guess it’s because I look around at the majority of friends and family in relationships and although many are ‘technically’ still together, there are not successful relationships to me because there is a LOT of disharmony due to one or a combination of my opening post points.

I hear never ending complaints linked to financial incompetence causing misery, not feeling sexually attracted anymore, unhappiness about laziness and untidiness around the house, prioritising hobbies over family life, on and in. And some I know who are claiming on social media etc that they adore their spouse, literally on the same day I know they’ve packed a bag and gone to stay at their mum’s for the night.

I wish I saw more good and successful relationships around me but they are so thin on the ground.

So you'd abandon your kids of they got fat, ill, changed their personality as they got older 🙄

Sorry that made me laugh. Great examples.

I think you are right there is a gauntlet and when you get through you should be damned pleased.