AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

[Appleteeth]

Hi all, first of all I want to make it clear I’m not by any means saying I have been a good mother to my son, or that he doesn’t have every right to resent me for that, I don’t want this to read as woe is me.

Background
I have 2 children they are 41 and 26, I had my first child at 21, he was for the most part raised by my mother, I was completing my nursing degree then doing shift work, I provided for him financially, took him on holiday etc, but I will admit my mother did the vast majority of the day to day care. When he was 11 he wanted to try and live with me and my then partner, he moved in for 6 months but was having problems at school, we then trialled by partner moving out, nothing improved and he insisted he wanted to go back to his grans. So he did, my partner then moved back in.
3 years later my partner and I had our daughter, her father then left and never returned when she was 6 so I raised her alone.

Lately my son has increasingly been talking about the the injustice of his childhood, how DD did more hobbies than him, how the only reason DD now owns a home is because she had more support.

1. There was little in the way of financial disparity, actually I think my son got more money spent on him over all, he had a summer holiday every year, was taken abroad etc.
2. He always had the most fashionable clothes and toys, my mother and I worked extremely hard to ensure this

Yes DD did more hobbies, but my son never actually wanted to as a child, and as a result the last time DD left the country for a family holiday in childhood she was 4, we didn’t do a single holiday between 4 and 11, not even a uk break. DDs birthday and Christmas gifts were often made up of whatever she needed for hobbies that year.

She did go on to go to university being the first in our family to do so, got married and now has children.

She owns a home but I had no involvement in this at all, she and her partner (who had been together since they were 14 saved, and received help from his family, I didn’t have any money to offer).

Now I’m mortgage free but not very high earning as I left nursing for my own health 20 years ago.

I make no difference in the gifts I give to my son’s children and my daughters. I pay for us all to go on holiday once a year (just a uk break).

My son also borrows money every month which he doesn’t always pay back in full but I’ve accepted this.

This afternoon my son came over and he was complaining that his sons didn’t have their proper PE kit and went back to school last week, I told him I don’t have anymore money to give him, he has already had £400 this month and still owes me money from last month.

He then went on a rant that he knows I spent more on my daughter’s children’s school shoes than I did on his sons. This is true but I didn’t do it deliberately, I told them both I could afford £50 per child on school shoes, DD bought her children shoes from start rite so she spent it all, he sent me a link to some shoes which were only £30, I ordered exactly what he sent me.

This then spiralled into me apparently loving my DDs children more than his! This isn’t true at all. I see DDs children a little more as she is in the same town as me and a walk away, I babysit them one day a week for 2 hours and they come over for dinner once a week. I see my son’s children once a week as he brings them over and I try to stop in and see them when I can but it’s a bus away and I’m still working. He also asks me not to come to his ok the weekend so the only option is either the day I already have DDs children or after work. I have offered him babysitting countless times and he always says no he will get his partners mum to do it.

I don’t know what to do?

AIBU to feel I’m not currently doing anything wrong even if in the past I did mess up in having my mum raise him?

Im open to advice!

You could give your son millions and he would still feel the situation was unjust. No amount of money is going to make up for the loss of stability and support that he really missed out on. You had time to develop a relationship, but not time to parent. Your son was always low down on your list of priorities.

Every decision you make now is viewed through that lens. Babysitting for his sister on a day when you could see him. Spending slightly more on her children. Even the menu you choose for a family dinner is going to be judged for signals on your priorities.

This is a fundamentally broken mother-son relationship that needs serious repair. He needs to be able to express his feelings, be heard, and move past his anger. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves because it makes our own lives lighter.

I would suggest family counseling. Addressing the underlying problems in your relationship will help your son live a happier life. It may improve your relationship and it may not. As a mother, you will at least know you did your best to help him live a good life.

Reading between the lines, did your mum push to keep him and you felt you couldn’t say no?
Family counselling sounds like a really good idea.
Good luck OP.

All the criticism of what you should have done is a bit pointless now .

I suspect DS was spoiled by DGM and hence his selfishness now.
The only disparity is that one child went to uni and the other didn't - possibly because a parent wasn't there to demand homework is done etc
Does he have a good professional job?
I can see one child owning their own home and the other not is going to cause some resentment but you didn't give DD money for her home so he can't really complain. Surely his DCs are teens or older now? and DDs small.
Perhaps a talk with his wife if you have a good relationship with her - you could be putting the money you give to your DS into a bank account for his teen's future.

You need to be sorting out your pension now not helping out DS start looking to the future and tell him your sad about the past but you have to move on now

Exactly

it wouldn’t even be hardship if it meant I had my child living with me for the first time since birth

I don’t think it was that simple, my mum obviously loved him and wanted him to stay and would always pose well his school is here, and I can’t get him into town if he stays here while you’re doing night shift for school if you move it and you can’t get to work if you live in the village as the buses are infrequent and don’t line up well, and he’s settled here.
But I should have said no actually he’s my son this is my responsibility, and figured it out.

Then she was also a soft touch with him, let him rule the roost which definitely played into problems when he did come to live with me, as I wasn’t willing to let him be out on the street until 10pm, or skip school just because he wanted to, while my mum happily let him.

It sounds like he just wants to be awkward and only wants you to babysit when he knows you’re already committed to babysitting DD’s children!! Yes he had a tough childhood but so do lots of people and they don’t all turn into financially grabby, selfish individuals!

My mum buggered off to new Zealand when I was 12 it was my father that stuck around for us mum was too busy with her new boyfriend hence why nobody was at her funeral I didn't care to go and neither did my siblings

I feel you’re getting a tough time of it here, OP. Yes, I can see your DS’s childhood was far from ideal in some ways, but it sounds as though he was loved, even if he didn’t always feel it.
To me it sounds as though he’s very jealous of your DD (which I can understand), and that puts you in a very difficult place. If the only way to prove your love for him is to alienate your DD, then you’re always going to feel torn between your two DC.
FWIW, I had a very different upbringing to my DBs, but they’ve never held that against me or my DParents. (I was the surprise baby, and am much younger than my DBs!)

He experienced emotional neglect as a child and that wound runs deep and taints his perception of how you treat him and his sibling now. It does sound like you have made efforts to apologise and tried to offer an equal amount of support to him but I don’t think he really wants that, I think he wants you to do less for his sister so he can feel that his sister is the one missing out for a change. I’m not sure what you can really do to address that wound now, other than continuing to do what you’re doing in offering him the same as his sister, and suggesting he seeks therapy, which you could offer to pay for.
I also think you and his grandmother need to stop lending money to him. You’ve got no idea if he needs it, if he’s spending problematically or if it’s just a way he feels he is equalling things out. You could offer to go through his finances to figure out why he isn’t able to make ends meet, and could also offer to pay for online food shops if he thinks it will help.

She didn't do the majority then, she did all the parenting

No, it's guilt money/feeling like he's getting something from you that was lacking in his childhood. Money will never fill that void or turn back the clock.

If you want to stop the money, that's fine but stop for both children. I can only recommend trying to sit him down and start to try and work through this. You'll have some difficult conversations but hopefully with time the pair of you will find a way to move forward. Seek professional help perhaps. Sorry OP, you made your choices and he had little say. Just hope with communication that things may improve with a better relationship.

Yes. He clearly has a spending habit well beyond his means. He is 41. His attitude is similar to my younger brother - although not in the materialistic sense. Just the bitterness that families are not perfect and an unwillingness to move on properly.

I don't think it's really about money, he needs your time and attention. Babysitting isn't giving him your time and attention. Can you not pop in after work one day? Meet him when you have DDs children and let the cousins play?
You're not really treating them fairly in terms of time and attention and it sounds like that is just a repeat of his childhood, you paid for him to have nice things but all your time and attention was with your DD.

The circumstances in which you had your son, and later your daughter, were different. As a result, their childhoods were different. It happens, even in nuclear families. It isn’t your daughter’s fault, so I wouldn’t fall into the trap of pulling back from her as a way of compensating your son. It won’t.

He resents you, and I don’t think anything you can do now will right the perceived wrongs tbh. You’re already ‘favoring’ him financially over your daughter, and he’s complaining that you should be providing more. That’s a hole that you will never be able to fill, no matter what you pour into it.

That he had a tougher childhood is not something you would be wise to allow him to dine out on and weaponize against you forever. At this point he’s actively choosing to sit in his bitterness, and you’re actively choosing to sit in your guilt. For what? You can’t change the past. The healthiest way forward is to come to terms with it, and stop dragging it with you into the future.

He needs to take responsibility for himself, financially. Tough childhood or not, he’s a grown man with his own family.

It's really telling that your mum allowed him to do want he wanted as a child / teenager; no boundaries, no rules, no consequences for his behaviour.

Does he ever demand money in front of his partner? If not, I would unfortunately assume gambling or addiction that she is not aware of.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a gambling addiction

He sounds very jealous of his sister.

I wouldn't stop babysitting your DD's DC because he's in a strop. I know there is a lot behind the strop but the very specific 'you can only babysit at my house at the one time you have my sisters DC and no you can't bring them' is just mean, its vindictive. He's being petty about the school shoes.

Why can't you see his children at the weekend? That's quite odd.

I'll be honest OP he doesn't sound like a very nice person especially with borrowing substantial amounts of money every month from you and his grandma.

His childhood sounds very difficult and unsettled but he can't then spend his whole adult life punishing you for it or expecting you to pay for it financially. However shitty or not his childhood was he's an adult now. The suggestion of family therapy is a good one, there's probably a lot he still needs to say and process.

He wants a Wednesday so you are choosing him and his DC and not prioritising your DD and her DC.

Alternative weeks if you feel you need to be fair but please make the time to see DS on his terms.

Edit to add: to do you spend Christmas, Easter and birthday with?

This ^ From the sounds of it Op has had a tough time too with partner leaving etc but hasn’t shown any self pity in her posts.

OP is getting a hard time here. She’s doing her best.
No matter what this son feels about his childhood he shouldn’t now be strong arming his mother as a grown adult.
Constantly borrowing money and not giving it back is not right.
He is a grown bloody man and I know he might carry some resentments but that doesn’t mean he can treat his own mum this way.
He is continually punishing her. It’s not on.

Making more effort. You could easily get a bus straight from work on a different night than you have daughters kids to spend time with him and his kids. You are making effort for your daughter but not for him. Stop making excuses and start parenting

You are not going to want to hear this, OP, but I don't think this is fixable now. It's too late.

Your son is in his 40s and believes (with fair reason) that you were a more loving mother to his much younger sister than you were to him. You could cut your DD out of your life and fall over backwards to do everything you can for your son, and it won't change the fact that he resents you and thinks you were a shit mother who let his granny raise him and couldn't be arsed with him.

That's been the thinking in his head for most of his life and it is fixed there. Nothing you can do now can replace the childhood he had, where he obviously felt side lined by you. He's an adult now and you can't change this.

I have no solutions others than to accept that you've damaged him a lot and he will keep lashing out verbally and keeping you at a distance from his family.

Or drugs... Lots of people maintain relatively normal lives with an expensive weed or coke habit.

Good point

Your son is playing the victim to manipulate you,stop lending him money and then he can finally stand on his own two feet. Go low contact with him if he gets unpleasant,he has to take responsibility for his own life in the end, pandering to his view of him as victim is not helping him ultimately.