AIBU to ask what controlling behaviour once seemed normal?

[Jane143]

Abusive/ weird stuff we thought was almost normal at the time? I’ll start with something I mentioned on a previous thread so as not to derail that one.
my ex used to make me have another shower if I farted at anytime during the evening before we had sex. Also HAD to wear stockings etc. was this normal? Seemed so at the time and I did it all to make him be nice to me.

Also to clarify I wasn’t allowed to pass wind, but sometimes it comes out unexpectedly. It’s not like I was trumping out loud or anything, I don’t think he ever truly heard me fart in the marriage

I think a man asking his partners father for her hand in marriage is something we shall look back on and think wtf

But there was a time when woman needed their fathers permission to marry as women were property and it evolved but seems outdated (to me)

Yes that’s very true. It never happens the other way round with the mother in law

Did he have ocd or something. That is really abnormal and don’t think it was ever normal for someone to be like that

Women needing a man’s permission for a bank account or credit card.

Women not being able to have property in their own name. It was just the way things were. Now we think wtf? So many women of my mums generation can’t drive. The husband always drove.Mil can’t drive and neither can most of her female friends. Their husbands all can.it was about 50% in my friendship group where the mums could drive. It was one thing I made sure I learned. I hate driving, it overwhelms me (diagnosed ADHD, not a myth) but it’s been really important.

Even if Jane143 ex did have ocd that is his issue that she HAD to do certain things after normal bodily functions or wear stockings to be acceptable to him is controlling

Is this a stealth farting troll thread?

No it was about potential germs

What’s one of them?🤣 no , it’s the honest truth, it’s how we lived for several years , ridiculous as it may sound now

My DH actually did this and my father told him it’s the 21st century and none of his business who I CHOOSE to marry.

Children being automatically given their father’s last name. Women expected to change their name after marriage. Miss and Mrs used as signifiers.

I like having the same name and tbh it’s less hassle to change using a marriage certificate. I hated my maiden name. I do think though Ms should be standard as my marital status shouldn’t be visible simply by my title. No one can tell if a man is married by the title Mr. It all again came down to women being property, father’s and then husband’s.

Tbf, In some cultures that would be because the women of both families, would be matchmaking and it only was a surprise to the men.
When women's football became professional. Some of the men around me just didn't get how incredible it was that our granddaughters had a hobby/career suddenly open up, that wasn't open to our daughters. Even the black/ethnic minority men didn't get it.
In my lifetime, rape in marriage, even if seperated. The removal of babies from single women, domestic violence being legal. Us having to do sewing/home education, while the boys pissed about making a fibreglass canoe.

My DH didn’t ask my parents permission but he did let them know he was going to ask me. God knows how my mum kept that a secret! 🤣

Here’s mine- and it’s still happening every day- women getting married and CHOOSING to include that bit about “who gives/brings this woman”

Ok, it isn’t controlling in practice (anymore) and I do understand that brides think it’ll be nice for their dads etc, but it perpetuates the ‘women as property’ way of thinking.

Brides- please stop doing this! Your dad will cope without it and to be honest should be proud of you for leaving it out.

I makes me want to scream every single time. Wtf is going on?!
(Yes I work in weddings)

In the early 19th century, children of married parents "belonged" to the father. If the parents wished to separate, the children had to go with the father. Mothers had no rights over their children. That would be different if they were illegitimate, as then there was no lawful father who "owned" them and they could go with their mother.

I was listening to a podcast about https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caroline_Norton recently - following a civil case where she was accused of adultery, she was separated and her husband took the children. Her campaigning on this issue led to a change in the law. "Under the Custody of Children Act, legally separated or divorced wives, provided they were not found guilty of criminal conversation, were granted the custody of their children up to the age of seven, and periodic access thereafter."

conjugal rights

Tbf that goes both ways and you don't marry someone expecting them to refuse to have sex with you.

Ordering food for your wife at a restaurant. I'll have the steak, she'll have the salad. Ugh

I think posters are missing the OP's point.

I took it as not so much about old fashioned customs that now seem strange to us, but OP meaning what coercive or abusive behaviour was normalised in your relationship but seems obviously crazy to you now you're out of it?

I was going to ask this OP.
Do you mean traditions that we accepted, that in today’s world are unacceptable?
Or abusive things that we personally put up with, but that others wouldn’t have considered normal?

being screamed at that “I’m entitled to my conjugal rights” after
“refusing to have sex with him” as described above ^^ albeit
in the middle of a busy weekend morning when it was clear the
marriage was over, my parents anout to arrive, seemed obviously
crazy to me at the time, let alone now
there were so many - it’s water under the bridge now - the stand out
demand for his rights and my responding mirth is not easily forgotten

now my own Mother was bullied and kept in line, didn’t have her
own BS or bank account until in her sixties, her salary paid into
the joint account
she wanted to learn to drive in her late fifties, yet dad undermined
her so badly she ended the lessons which she was financing herself,
not allowed to be independent
’allowed’ is a key word in controlling behaviour

the asking permission for a woman’s hand is archaic - I would be mortified
if any man had done this, behind my back, I’m a modern woman, would say No.

Tbf you sound like an apologist for conjugal rights and possibly on the wrong thread.

An apologist for conjugal rights? What are you on about? 😂
'Conjugal rights' refers to the expectations from both spouses of marriage eg, sex, affection, living under the same roof. It's completely normal to expect all that in a marriage.

I think you're confusing it with marital rape maybe, which is very much not okay and is quite rightly illegal.